I've been slowly writing this for practically months now. After losing a huge chunk of my ideas, I was frustrated and felt like giving up. It's easy for me to get discouraged and tell myself lies- for instance, that I don't have anything worth writing. But I keep reminding myself that we all have valid thoughts and experiences. The more we share, the easier it becomes to combat the lies we tell ourselves. Besides, I am trying to work on being more vulnerable, which you'll see if you continue reading this post. ;)
In no particular order, here are some of the lessons I've had on my mind lately as I turn 30. Some of them may be more crucial than others, and many of them aren't ground-breaking. But sometimes very simple truths are also powerful ones. I'd love to hear if any resonate with you or if you have others in mind that I haven't included!
Vulnerability can be terrifying. It is also essential for deep connections.
It's tough admitting when we need help or when life isn't picture-perfect. But unless we are vulnerable and honest with others, it's impossible to make a genuine connection. If vulnerability is the root of empathy, we simply can't connect with someone unless we are able to open ourselves up. Some of my best relationships were strengthened or even solidified based on some of life's toughest moments. Unless we take a risk and show ourselves honestly, we may lose out on fostering deep, important connections. "Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” - Brene Brown
Comparison is a thief of joy.
Our culture obsesses over comparing our experiences either on social media or in the endless competition to see who has it worse. But we all have different life experiences, strengths, circumstances, and goals.These impact our choices that lead us to where we are right now. We are all on different paths and we reach different milestones at different times as a result. With that said, does it even really make sense to compare our journey to someone else's? I challenge us to instead, admire those unique talents and accomplishments of those around us. Allow them to inspire us and to empower us to make changes where we want to make changes. When we are able to share someone's happiness, we are no longer so envious.
Love is an action. It is a choice.
I wrote an entire blog post about this in the past, because I feel so passionately about it. Love is not simply some blind action that you do out of obligation or some uncontrollable feeling that you fall into. Love is commitment, respect, and unconditional support. It's choosing to put someone first above yourself. It's sharing, honesty, openness, and lots of vulnerable communication. It's seeing someone entirely- flaws and all- and choosing again and again to both forgive and to encourage them to keep trying every time they make a mistake. It's seeing the best in them even when they can't see it themselves. Love is compassion. Love is empowerment. Love is honestly what makes life worth living.
You have more power than you think.
With almost every decision you make, you have a choice. You can make all the excuses you want, but ultimately, you decide what you want to prioritize. You decide how you spend your time, what media you consume, and the people you surround yourself with. It may not always feel like it, but you control your thoughts and your actions. You can choose to make positive changes to improve your life.
Be present.
In a busy culture obsessed with technology, it's easy to be distracted. As tempting as it may be to think that you can multi-task, the truth is, you can't. (Psychologists have proven this time and time again!) I end up feeling awfully torn and irritable when I attempt to divide my attention among multiple tasks that require my attention. I've learned that it's always better to genuinely focus on one task at a time- especially when it's clear which thing you should prioritize.
The little things matter.
Words, hugs, and gestures. A supportive text, the right song at the right time, a simple opportunity to spend time with loved ones. Sometimes I feel paralyzed by the idea that something just doesn't matter in the grand scheme thing of things. But often when I look back, I realize that the little things add up to impact a friendship, a mindset or a goal. When I'm feeling like I can't do enough, I remind myself that just because you can't do everything, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't do something. You have to start somewhere. Sic Parvis Magna, after all. ;)
You can't help someone until they're ready to accept your help.
I can't count how many times I've felt powerless when someone asks for advice, yet refuses to follow what they acknowledge is a good idea. It can be heart-breaking watching loved ones continue to make self-destructive choices while you stand on the sidelines attempting to help cheer them back onto a better path. Regardless of our good intentions, the simple truth is, we can't make choices for others. We can merely do our best to be supportive, to listen, and to be honest when they ask for our feedback. Which leads me to...
You can't make a change until you're ready.
Something needs to click in order for you to make an enduring change. No amount of support or resources can force you to do something you don't want to do. You have to personally want a change badly enough to take steps towards it. Without that honesty about your motivations and priorities, you're not going to get far.
You can't help yourself until you're ready.
"You are not your job; you're not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet... "
This is one I still struggle with. I still find myself feeling foolish for not using my Master's degree or for worrying about finances. But when it comes down to it, we are so much more than a job title or a paycheck. We are all complex individuals worthy of love regardless of how we are employed or how much we have in a savings account.
Give your all no matter where you are.
We may not always find ourselves where we want to be. It still matters to be and to do your best. Take pride in everything you do, and suddenly even menial tasks are more significant. There are seasons to life, and regardless of how we may be impatient to begin a new chapter, life is more fulfilling when we care about doing our best in all circumstances.
Don't be afraid to spend money on experiences or generosity.
On a similar note, we are so much more than our material possessions. Some of the richest people have very little of value, and some of the poorest in the world are measured as being the happiest. Yet, we still feel compelled to have the newest and greatest when it comes to many material things. For decades, psychological research has continued to show us that at a certain point, having more money does not correlate with increased levels of happiness. In my experience, buying that new throw pillow or cute top only provides a fleeting happiness. It is nothing compared to the joy of experiencing something new or of giving to others. Spending money on travel, experiences, and generosity all yield way more happiness than shopping.
Helping others and volunteering is good for the soul.
Spend time helping others around you. It can be something as simple as seeing a friend or a neighbor in need and taking time to be there for them. Or it can be making a commitment to an organization that gives back to your community. Being a mentor with Big Brothers Big Sisters has changed my life in so many ways. The perspective I've gained and what I've learned from my Little Brother have been eye-opening. Helping someone in need not only makes a difference, but it also changes you for the better.
Show gratitude every day.
Struggling with depression at times, this one can be challenging for me. But I've often found that being thankful can snowball. Finding one positive aspect of life often leads to noticing others. Shifting your mindset to recognizing your blessings can be a game-changer to slowly pull yourself away from a depressed episode.
Friendships change. And that's normal.
Time changes things. So does distance, busy schedules, new families, etc. Relationships start to look different as time goes on, but the best relationships will still remain in tact as long as you both prioritize each other. On the flip-side, if you feel like you're pulling teeth to plan a get-together with a friend, or if you feel drained after spending time with them, maybe you need to reevaluate how you're prioritizing your time. It can be painful to consider, but pulling back a bit can often allow you to devote more time to more fulfilling relationships.
Try not to take things personally.
At times I've felt personally attacked by how I felt neglected or taken advantage of by others, but I have come to realize that their hurtful behavior is not a reflection on me. As Don Miguel Ruiz outlines in his "The Four Agreements:" "Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." It is so challenging to remember in the moment, but everyone is carrying their own baggage. There is almost always more to the story than others share with us. We can't always understand the actions of others, but we certainly don't have to take responsibility for them.
“Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be; embrace who you are.”
It's easy to obsess over how others view us and whether or not the world is going to accept our decisions. Working as a nanny, I still feel others' judgment and worry about others looking down on me for not being employed in the field of my Master's degree. However, if I am genuinely happy and know that I am making a difference with my chosen profession, it doesn't ultimately matter. Have a hobby that's not considered "cool?" My dad still doesn't understand how I developed a love for Zumba dance, video games, spy shows or superheroes. Who cares as long as these hobbies bring you joy? The bottom line is that you are the only one living your life. Lean into it.
Forgive. Meet people where they are.
This is a tough one for me. I struggle balancing the idea that I want to bring out the best in others and that I want to accept others fully for who they are. Most often, we need to move on from the past harm, accept that it happened, and acknowledge that there is a lot outside of our control. At a certain point, we need to let go. We can continue loving and encouraging people regardless of how they've harmed us. Ultimately, holding on to past pain hurts you way more than it hurts them.
Surround yourself with people who challenge and uplift you.
It's wonderful to have a big heart and to care about lots of people in your life. But we also need to recognize who consistently empowers us to keep pushing ourselves and who leaves us feeling inspired to become better versions of ourselves. Spending more time with these people can be life-giving!
It's important to say "no" sometimes.
This is a big one for me, and for a lot of my female friends especially. It's important to acknowledge that you can't do everything. You can't be everywhere at the same time. It's essential to prioritize what's most important in your life and to acknowledge that just because you say "no" sometimes, that doesn't reflect negatively on you. Those who genuinely care will always understand if we are honest when we're being spread too thinly. It's easy for me to still feel guilty because I do care so much, and I don't want to let anyone down. But I've come to realize that if I don't say "no" and take care of myself when I need to, I often end up attempting to pour from an empty cup. And that's not helpful for anyone in the long run!
Stop rushing.
This is one of my biggest triggers of anxiety. I fear that I need to complete tasks at an unachievable speed or that if I'm five minutes late, I'll be inconsiderate to others. If you're not a type A personality like me, more power to you! How I envy being so easy-going that you aren't concerned about the little things! For me, rushing is typically caused because of worrying about some future event; it's not about being in the present moment and focusing on what's at hand. Taking a moment to regain perspective and to slow down can be so incredibly helpful to regaining peace! Besides, everyone understands if you're running behind on occasion. ;)
Prioritize self-care.
This looks slightly different for everyone. But in general, pursuing relationships and activities that nurture your soul is essential to upholding your mental health. This may fluctuate depending on what's going on in your life. Sometimes I know a long chat or walk with Brandon is just what I need, and other times I need alone time to get pumped with a challenging workout or video game. For most of us, I think we typically know what we need even if we're afraid to ask for it sometimes. Listening to yourself and truly taking care of yourself go hand in hand.
Eat. Sleep. Move.
Self-care is pretty consistently finding time to be active, getting enough sleep, and eating healthy. (As much as it pains me to admit, fast food isn't going to make me feel good in the long run. ;)) It's so easy to neglect at least one of these areas when you're feeling stressed, but it's amazing what a difference balancing them all can make in terms of upholding our mental health and overall happiness. I've challenged myself to be aware of these three areas when I'm feeling down. And almost always I can point to at least one of them that I'm neglecting when I notice I'm not doing so well.
Find an exercise that challenges you and inspires you.
I can't emphasis enough how working out has improved my life. Besides helping to keep anxious and depression thoughts in check, it has given me goals, a sense of self-pride, and empowerment. It reminds me that even when I feel like I can't, I can. Exercising with someone is even better through sharing an activity, support, and motivation. Zumba, bike-riding, hiking, tennis, and weight-lifting are some of my favorite hobbies, and I'm so glad that exercise typically doesn't feel like a chore to me. I hope everyone can find a way to stay active that they enjoy!
Join a church or a community where you feel connected.
For years I didn't feel like I clicked well with my church. Don't go through the motions if it's not a good fit for you. When we joined St. Helen's, I felt a connection and pull to get more involved. I've been singing with the church choir for years now, and I'm very grateful for the amazing community there.
We're way harder on ourselves than others typically are.
It's true- we're our own worst enemies. It's amazing how insecure many of us are, while most others don't even notice our "huge flaws." We are constantly critiquing ourselves and feeling like we're under a microscope. But guess what? Everyone else is too busy feeling insecure or unsure about themselves to be nearly as critical as we are about ourselves. Studies show that there is a "spotlight effect" where we think others are far more critical and attentive to our flaws than they are in reality.
P.S. Perfection doesn't exist
Believe me, I've tried again and again to reach some unobtainable measure of perfection, and ironically, it makes me fail every time. Striving towards growth is terrific. Wanting to do your best is not perfectionism. Perfectionism is just a manifestation of anxiety. It's a voice telling us that if we appear to have it together, others won't notice the flaws that we're hiding. But honestly, imperfection is beautiful. It is authentic. As the brave Brene Brown says, “Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.” (Also for Bran: "Perfect sucks. Perfect's boring!" -Jillian Michaels)
Never lose your inner child.
Working with kids is one of my passions. I am inspired by their kindness, their vulnerability, and their sense of wonder. Kids love hard, they say what they're thinking, and they're not afraid to ask for help. They don't hesitate to include others just because they look or talk differently. Most importantly, they aren't afraid to have fun and to continue learning. So many people I know are terrified of admitting that they need help or that they don't understand something. And so many others don't remember how to have fun because they take life so seriously. When it comes down to it, we can all benefit from enjoying life's little joys and loving a little more openly!
Don't be ashamed to admit you don't know or you need help.
"Somehow we’ve come to equate success with not needing anyone. Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand, but we’re very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves. It’s as if we’ve divided the world into “those who offer help” and “those who need help.” The truth is that we are both.” -Brene Brown. We all need help with some area of our lives. When we stop shaming ourselves and others for this very fundamental part of our humanity, we'll enable ourselves to grow. I understand now more than ever that we need people who care in our lives. Without others, life isn't worth living.
Feel the fear. And do it anyway.
Most of my best memories and biggest blessings have resulted from taking risks. Most valuable things in life require courage and taking a leap into the unknown. I'm the first to admit that I'm scared... a lot. I'm anxious about my health or the future, or wondering if I should have tried to get to sleep earlier or if I should have worded that text differently. My thoughts have a tendency to spiral and to lead me to question myself and to worry about almost anything. But the truth is, working through your fears and facing them even when you're terrified is the only way you can ever make progress. Oftentimes it's the only way you can make the first steps towards becoming happier.
Things have a tendency of working out better than we expect.
And finally, I see the pattern of how even when I can't imagine overcoming something or getting through a tough event, I end up being ok in the end. Through heartbreaks, disappointments, anxious and depressed spirals, we overcome. As cliche as it sounds, we are stronger and braver than we often think we are. We are capable of so much more than we recognize, and even when we're feeling incredibly defeated, we stand back up again. We face the world a little wiser and stronger the next time.
