Five years of marriage feels like a long time while the years have simultaneously flown by. I recognize that at this point, we've been married or at least in a committed relationship for about a third of our lives. Regardless of life's hardships, my relationship with Brandon has been the constant anchor that continues to inspire me and to give me hope. Looking back on the past few years, I realize there are several important ideas I've learned about marriage and healthy relationships in general. Some might be obvious. But I always want to remember how these resonated with me now. I am deeply thankful for our shared passion to continue learning and growing together. If you're reading this and have other important lessons that you've learned about love or marriage, I'd love to hear them in the comments!
Love is an action. It is a choice.
I wrote an entire blog post about this in the past, because I feel so passionately about it. Love is not simply some blind decision you make because of obligation or convenience. It isn't some uncontrollable feeling that you fall into. Love is commitment, respect, and unconditional support. It's choosing to put someone first above yourself and deciding to keep fighting even when things are tough. Commitment through the hard times is what grounds your relationship and inspires you to keep trying even when it's not easy.
Marry your best friend.
This speaks for itself. Your closest friends love you unconditionally, genuinely listen, and tend to know what's best for you. They understand you on a level that most others don't, and they empathize with you to an extent that sometimes seems incredible how they can just "get it." Your spouse should be no different. If you're able to enjoy each other's company above all others', and to feel closer with them than you do with anyone else, you are building a strong foundation together.
Honesty and communication are key.
Vulnerability is one of the most challenging virtues for many of us. It's terrifying to put our feelings, wants, and needs out in the open, where we could be misunderstood or rejected. But thriving relationships require sharing, honesty, openness and lots of vulnerable communication. It's only when we're vulnerable that we are able to truly understand each other and to see the beauty in one another. Honesty also means that you are direct. Don't play games or leave your partner guessing about your thoughts or intentions. You can't expect your partner to read your mind, as tempting as it is for you to just expect them to know what's on your heart. Being upfront is the only way you can ensure that you are fully understood.
A majority of the time, when friends and family come to me with relationship problems, a lack of communication tends to be the root of the issue. Of course, I understand that relationships and situations can be very complicated. But more often than not, most problems tend to lie with the notion that someone isn't being honest or communicating. Countless relationship problems could be alleviated with some honest communication.
Healthy marriages incorporate both forgiveness and encouragement.
Love is seeing someone entirely- flaws and all- and choosing again and again to both forgive and to encourage them to keep trying every time they make a mistake. It's seeing the best in them even when they can't see it themselves. Love is compassion. Love is empowerment. Love is always seeking to focus on one another's strengths while inspiring one another to improve as well.
You won't always put in 100%. You'll take turns being one another's strength.
I tend to read cliches about how marriages aren't 50-50; they're 100-100, because you should always be giving your all. While I agree with this sentiment, that is simply not realistic. Throughout seasons of our marriage, there have been times when I know I'm not at my best. Those times when anxiety gets the best of me and I can't think clearly, or when I'm so depressed I can't get myself out of bed, Brandon is putting forth more than his fair share of effort. When he is so exhausted from work that I bring him dinner without him asking or I make sure that he finds a way to take a break even when he doesn't want to, I am taking on a bigger share of burden. Marriage isn't always fair. It's supporting one another and carrying more than your share of the hardship when your partner isn't able to. You take turns taking care of each other during the tough times. There will be times you need to be selfless in order to care for one another. As long as that is consistently reciprocated, it can be a very nurturing aspect of your relationship.
Prioritize time together. Share hobbies you both enjoy.
Make sure that you set aside time to be together without interruptions. Date nights (even if it's just relaxing enjoying take-out at home together!) help to remind you of how important you are to each other. Brandon and I are blessed that we share so many interests and hobbies together. But when we first met each other, that number of shared interests was much smaller than it is today. As we've grown closer, we've begun to share more past-times together, and as a result, we've discovered more ways to spend time together. For example, when I first met Brandon, he was terrified to dance even at weddings. Now he choreographs and leads Zumba songs with me! While we both enjoyed hiking before we met each other, exploring trails and parks together has helped us to discover that we love the mountains and photography (especially taking photos of our adorable stuffed bread. ;)). Brandon was a noob (lolz) when he first tried tennis, and now he serves up aces! He has always been crafty and artistic deep down, but he never fully discovered his talents before making Halloween costumes together or surprising me with creative anniversary gifts. Or take me! I liked video games alright when I first met Brandon, but now I can make him feel like a fool because of how skilled I am in Uncharted. ;) Sharing hobbies like being active, exploring, video games, puzzles, books, movies, etc. allow us to grow closer together while finding new interests we share too.
Keep pushing one another to grow and to try new things.
On that note, don't become complacent or get stuck feeling like things have to be a certain way. If your husband wants to quit his job and start a business with his old boss, (and if you're financially able to take the risk!) encourage him. If your wife wants to share a hobby with you (like Zumba) that you're not confident about, give it a shot anyway. You may end up being the best dancer in the class! ;) There are always going to be terrifying times, because that's life. But knowing that your spouse is there supporting you will make all the difference. Take risks. Empower one another when you're feeling terrified. Feel the fear and do it anyway- especially if you're by each other's side.
Respect each other- both the differences and the shortcomings.
Marriage is not just a buffet line where you pick what you love about someone and then just discard all their flaws. This is one I struggle with, because sometimes I feel unlovable. I don't always see how I can be loved regardless of my weaknesses. But the truth is, we're all complex individuals. To say that I'm an anxious person would disregard how I can also be incredibly calm under pressure when someone needs me. To reduce Brandon to an irritable grump when he's tired would fail to take into account how patient and playful he can be when he is rested. We all have conflicting facets of our personalities. As long as we're working to improve the negative parts of ourselves, we should focus on our strengths.
It can be challenging when you don't see eye to eye with someone you're close to. But I've come to realize that if it's something big, most likely Brandon and I will (at least eventually!) see eye to eye. Why? Because we're both interested in fully understanding one another's perspectives. Because if something is very important to me, I know Brandon will work incredibly hard to see why. And the same goes for me wanting to understand his point of view as well!
Don't expect that your spouse is going to change.
Many divorces result from someone expecting that their partner is going to change in some fundamental way and then growing resentful when they don't. Maybe they hoped that their spouse would change their mind about having kids, or where to live, or their political beliefs. But the truth is, you can't expect that someone is going to change just because you've said your marriage vows. Thankfully, change and growth is a part of a healthy marriage. Don't get me wrong- I'm not saying we shouldn't encourage our spouses to keep bettering themselves. We should constantly strive to keep growing together. But when you expect someone to change in a fundamental way without previously communicating about it, that's unfair and toxic.
Learn how to resolve conflicts.
Conflict is a natural part of any close relationship. You're going to disagree and even just get on each other's nerves for no apparent reason. ("We're both a little tired..." :-P) It's not important that you don't fight; it's important that you fight fairly. I'll be the first to admit I struggle with shutting down or feeling attacked during an argument. But in order to work through a conflict, you need to be present and stay on track. Stay focused about your topic without bringing up additional hurts or past resentment. Listen with an open mind and take responsibility for hurting your partner. Don't assume the worst or feel discouraged. And if you need some time to cool off, more power to you for recognizing that. Walking away for a while doesn't mean that you're giving up. Just make sure you come back when you're ready. Because I promise you, if you're in a healthy relationship, you will work through it.
The little things can become the big things.
Take time to notice the small things. A little note, a spontaneous hug or kiss, a mid-day meme (Wholesome is the best! :-P) that made you think of them, trips to get frozen custard for no special reason, embarrassing stories that turn into inside jokes. Brandon and I have a tradition where we write down the little fun things throughout the year and keep them in a memory jar. At the start of the new year, we read them all together and look back on the good times. It's amazing seeing how many of those little things actually led to something greater- or at the very least- how many moments we still reference and find significant.
Share your gratitude for one another.
So much psychological research shows that expressing gratitude profoundly impacts our lives. We're not only happier when we prioritize gratitude, but we're also mentally healthier. The idea is that once we start looking for things to be thankful for, we rewire our minds to continue focusing on those positive aspects of life. Expressing thankfulness for our spouses not only strengthens feelings of closeness, but it also helps us grow as individuals. It's also affirming seeing what someone finds special about you! So many of the silly little things I do seem to mean more to Brandon than I expect. Let your partner know what you admire and love about them. It matters- believe me!
Agree on finances.
Money is one of the leading causes of divorce. Unfortunately, there's a lot of research suggesting that many couples are either dishonest when it comes to their spending, or they have very incompatible views when it comes to how money should be spent. With Brandon and me, we are typically very much on the same page when it comes to how we spend our money. But we are also honest with one another, and we even *gasp!* communicate about what we want to buy if we're making a big purchase. We typically agree on whether or not we should use our savings for a vacation, a new video game, or what have you. But when we don't agree, we talk about it. We view it as our money, and as a shared decision. This mindset seems to help instead of arguing over who deserves to buy what. Admittedly, we are very blessed that we feel comfortable financially, but we also budget and prioritize saving together. Without having compatible views on finances or at least the ability to respect what your partner wants to prioritize, money can be a sore subject for many couples.
Allow yourself to learn from other couples, but remember that your relationship is unique.
It can be inspiring to be around couples who have been together for ages or who seem to be genuinely happy. It's awesome to learn from them or to want to know what their secret to happiness is. But the truth is, what works for one couple might not work for another. And assuming that another couple has it all figured out is not true either. Comparisons only lead to hurt- especially when you're most likely never seeing the down points or challenges of their relationship. Keep in mind that all couples struggle at times, and there is no "one size fits all" secret to success.
Laugh together. Embrace your weirdness!
Don't always take your relationship too seriously. Admittedly, Brandon and I are big dorks and will always be kids at heart. But don't be afraid to be goofy or to be a little ridiculous at times. Don't be ashamed of your goofy baby voice or of still cuddling with stuffed breads. ;) Sometimes I've felt judged or ashamed for being too child-like at times. But life is too short to not find the humor in it or to enjoy the playful moments.
Look forward to the future together.
Set goals. Make bucket lists. Keep travel ideas. Know that you're in this together forever, and realize what a gift that is. Yes, happy relationships require more work than we can imagine at times. But I promise that there is nothing more worthwhile.
Happy 5th anniversary, my Always. :)
