Love and Unrealistic Expectations

Hollywood and pop culture have colored our perception of love for so many of us. Countless romantic comedies encourage us to imagine love as something we feel passionately, unexpectedly, and helplessly. The characters in a romantic relationship are typically "destined" for one another, and we're led to believe that they have no choice other than to embrace their fate of being together. Rarely are we given realistic expectations of relationships that show couples practicing commitment, patience, and compassion in the face of challenge. While I don't deny I enjoy romantic plot lines on some of my favorite shows or movies, I've found that the way love is often presented is very detrimental. The way love is often portrayed in our culture can create unrealistic and unhealthy expectations for real life relationships.

One of my biggest concerns is that so many people have convinced themselves that love is a noun. It's something we "fall" into--- desperately and occasionally even without consent. Like I mentioned, many people come to believe that they need to wait for their "destiny." While I'm certainly an advocate for waiting to be in a relationship with someone you're compatible with and who treats you the way you deserve to be treated, I've learned that love is, in fact, a verb. It is something we choose to do each and every day.

If I examine my marriage, I recognize that yes, often times I feel like I simply love Brandon without a second thought or without hesitation. Perhaps that's healthy that certain mindsets such as always trying to put one another above ourselves come naturally to us. But when I'm tired or anxious or depressed or when we're arguing, it's not always easy to put him first. When I do, it's because I am choosing to do so. I am choosing to make him my first priority, even when I don't feel like it.

Emotions are fleeting. But love should not solely be a feeling. The genuine joy and excitement I often feel through sharing my life with Brandon is incredible. But life isn't always sunshine and butterflies in our stomachs. Love doesn't bend when life circumstances impact our stress levels and mental health. It doesn't change because we're experiencing new struggles together. Love withstands all challenges, and in fact, grows in the face of challenge.

I chose to make Brandon the most important person in my life. That commitment inspires me to continue trying even when life isn't so simple. Yes, it requires effort. But just because something takes time and work doesn't mean that it's not entirely worth that effort.

It's obvious that everyone is unique. We come into new relationships with differing baggage, hopes, and goals. How does it even make sense to expect there to never be challenges, when we know how exhausting life can be on our own? Add another person to that mix, and sharing your life with someone will include many unexpected trials.

Our media tends to place an emphasis on relationships needing to being easy, or else they're not worth it. How often have we witnessed characters receiving advice that encompasses the mentality that, "if it's not simple, it's time to get out of that relationship?" Romantic or otherwise, let me be completely honest with you. My marriage and my strongest relationships are not easy. They require effort, time, and compassion. They require understanding and forgiveness. Sure, maybe the shared compatibility makes it "easy" to want to be with Brandon, or my family or close friends, but the relationships themselves are not always so simple.

We're lying to ourselves if we think that real love is always going to be easy or perfect. In my experience, relationships aren't always as neat and tidy as media portrays them to be. But guess what? I wouldn't trade any one of my genuine relationships in for some other relationship that was actually "easy." The good and the bad all make those relationships stronger. If I'm completely honest, if I haven't experienced some sort of conflict or shared challenge with someone, I'm either not that close with them, or that relationship is still growing.

Speaking of growth, romantic comedies also encourage us to think that once you've found "the one," you should never have to change. Believe me, I love the sentiment of finding someone who respects you entirely for who you are and who doesn't judge you for your flaws or weirdness. I honestly don't know where I'd be without Brandon's unconditional love, and I am so grateful for that. But at the same time, he inspires me to want to be better. In only a couple years of our marriage, I've grown so much. He has empowered me to reach for new heights and to not give up on myself. He has been the constant voice in the back of my head encouraging me to do what's right, even when it's not easy. So, while I am incredibly thankful for his unfaltering love and his respect for me (besides my occasional unsolicited tum punch), he makes me want to change in order to be the best version of myself.  In my opinion, real love is changing together. True love is inspiring one another to keep changing for the better.

What I've learned is that love is not easy. It is not some wavering, temperamental emotion. But the time, patience, and effort is always worth it when two people are genuinely making the choice to love one another.

I have always loved Shakespeare's Sonnet 116. Thanks, Boy Meets World. :-P

Dream Jobs and Meaning in Our Lives

In our culture, having a successful career is one popular indicator of accomplishment. We place value on earning a higher education degree in order to find that "dream job" that we've always believed will make us happy. The idea is that if we study hard, we'll be able to attain that perfect job that will make our life meaningful. Especially for women, if we don't have goals of achieving our "dream job," we are seen as unambitious or conforming to old-fashioned gender norms.  Up until very recently, I definitely bought into this notion. Not until lately have I recognized just how detrimental my thinking patterns (and countless others' thinking patterns as well!) about this matter really are.

From a young age, I've always wanted to help others. Even in elementary school my friends sought out my support and advice. I've always enjoyed being there to help others work through their struggles, and I've always thrived off of knowing I've made even the slightest difference in someone's life. Naturally, I wanted to turn helping others into a career. In college I decided to pursue psychology in order to better understand the way our minds work, and in turn use that knowledge to better help others to overcome their challenges. I knew that a bachelor's degree wouldn't be enough to find a job that would actually be in the psych field, so I went on to earn my Masters in School Counseling. I've always felt a strong connection with children, so it wasn't a big leap when I decided I wanted to specialize in working with kids. 

Fast forward a few years, and guess what? I still haven't found a permanent job in my field. For a very long time, I struggled with feeling like a failure due to my lack of a counseling job. When others asked me "what do you do?" I instinctively and anxiously replied, "Well, I still can't find a job in my field... I did just earn my Masters... I'm just working as a nanny right now." 

"Just nannying right now." Like nannying doesn't take a world of patience, problem-solving skills,  creativity, developmental knowledge, and compassion. Like nannying hasn't prepared me to be a better mother and taught me so much about unconditional love, the complexities of the growing brain, and how to be a better version of myself. The truth is, I have faced so many challenges at my current job, and I have grown so much as a person because of it. On any given day, I am often a counselor, a mentor, a role model, a psychologist, a teacher, a tutor, a coach, a personal assistant, an entertainer, a house keeper, a schedule planner, a (simple) chef, and a chauffeur. I wear many hats. I am challenged, and I am learning every day. I love what I do, and I am flattered to be one of the most influential people in the kids' lives. But for a long time, I looked down on myself simply because I wasn't directly using either of my degrees. 

I still make a difference with kids both as a nanny and as a mentor with Big Brothers Big Sisters. But my job doesn't require using my degrees that took me years to earn and thousands of dollars to complete. Well, I should say I'm not using my degrees directly, at least. I still find that my knowledge and experience plays a huge role not only in how I help out at work, but also in how I interact with so many people in my everyday life. The truth is, earning those degrees was not a waste of time. Not only did it provide the opportunity for me to help a lot of great people along the way, but I learned so much that continues to impact the way I think and who I am.

So many of my friends are in this same boat. Maybe you're not doing exactly what you expected to be doing after college or graduate school. The truth is, a lot of us aren't. But my guess is that you still use your educational background pretty often. It's likely that you had a similar life-changing experience and that you aren't the same person you were before you pursued higher education either. You don't need a particular career to prove that. Your character speaks for itself. And the truth is, you can still pursue your passions even when it's not through an outlet that provides your livelihood.  

Just because you don't have that dream job, that doesn't mean that you are a failure. I'm not a failure, and I've come to realize that now. It's extremely challenging to find a job in your field without having just the right connections these days. Unfortunately, with many job opportunities, it's a political or biased hiring process. It's not a reflection on us. It's a reflection on our environment. I wish I would have fully accepted this years ago in order to save myself a lot of heartache. (Anyone still reading, here's some comic relief:"tell me why-ay? Ain't nothing but a heartache!") I know we have it ingrained in our minds that without the fancy job, exciting promotions and big salaries we aren't successful. But I'm writing to remind you that that couldn't be further from the truth. There are so many other ways we can find pride or meaning in how we live our lives. Maybe it's not as flashy to go to bed proud of a tough decision you made or how you handled a situation, but it's still a good feeling. 

Most importantly, what we end up doing professionally is just a small piece of who we are. It's true that when people first meet someone new, they typically default to the "what do you do?" question to try to get to know someone better. And for a lot of people, that answer may reveal a lot about them as a person. But it does not define them. 

In the past couple years, I've been reflecting a lot about what brings me joy and who I am as a person. I admit, for so long I was seeking those answers by primarily looking at my career (or lack-there-of when it came to my dream job). But as I've grown to see the purpose and goodness in my current job, while not focusing on my lack of a dream career, I've become much happier. So many people I know may not be living the life they expected to be living, but they still do so with kindness, integrity, and passion. I have utmost respect for them. 

Thankfully I've been doing better to focus on my character rather than the way I earn a living. Who I am as a person is not defined by my job. I am distinguished by my choices, my character, my values, and the other ways I choose to spend my time as well. If I find meaning in my life through my relationships, volunteering, and singing with our church choir that's terrific. If I find joy through hiking, biking, playing tennis, taking photos, experiencing God in nature, and game nights with friends that's excellent too. Many times I don't have any concrete evidence (like a promotion, a raise, etc.) of experiencing that kind of joy besides photos to help me remember. But that doesn't make those experiences any less significant. Our jobs may consume a majority of our days, but there is so much more to experience in this life. It has been my experience that some of life's simplest joys can be the most powerful. 

We're all searching for meaning in our lives. Some people find that in their careers, and that's great. Others may find it in their family, their relationships, their faith, or their interests.  Rather than putting yourself in a box based on what you feel you're lacking, consider, what does bring your life meaning? Take time today to revel in life's genuine joys. "Maybe some things are that simple." :)