Hollywood and pop culture have colored our perception of love for so many of us. Countless romantic comedies encourage us to imagine love as something we feel passionately, unexpectedly, and helplessly. The characters in a romantic relationship are typically "destined" for one another, and we're led to believe that they have no choice other than to embrace their fate of being together. Rarely are we given realistic expectations of relationships that show couples practicing commitment, patience, and compassion in the face of challenge. While I don't deny I enjoy romantic plot lines on some of my favorite shows or movies, I've found that the way love is often presented is very detrimental. The way love is often portrayed in our culture can create unrealistic and unhealthy expectations for real life relationships.
One of my biggest concerns is that so many people have convinced themselves that love is a noun. It's something we "fall" into--- desperately and occasionally even without consent. Like I mentioned, many people come to believe that they need to wait for their "destiny." While I'm certainly an advocate for waiting to be in a relationship with someone you're compatible with and who treats you the way you deserve to be treated, I've learned that love is, in fact, a verb. It is something we choose to do each and every day.
If I examine my marriage, I recognize that yes, often times I feel like I simply love Brandon without a second thought or without hesitation. Perhaps that's healthy that certain mindsets such as always trying to put one another above ourselves come naturally to us. But when I'm tired or anxious or depressed or when we're arguing, it's not always easy to put him first. When I do, it's because I am choosing to do so. I am choosing to make him my first priority, even when I don't feel like it.
Emotions are fleeting. But love should not solely be a feeling. The genuine joy and excitement I often feel through sharing my life with Brandon is incredible. But life isn't always sunshine and butterflies in our stomachs. Love doesn't bend when life circumstances impact our stress levels and mental health. It doesn't change because we're experiencing new struggles together. Love withstands all challenges, and in fact, grows in the face of challenge.
It's obvious that everyone is unique. We come into new relationships with differing baggage, hopes, and goals. How does it even make sense to expect there to never be challenges, when we know how exhausting life can be on our own? Add another person to that mix, and sharing your life with someone will include many unexpected trials.
Our media tends to place an emphasis on relationships needing to being easy, or else they're not worth it. How often have we witnessed characters receiving advice that encompasses the mentality that, "if it's not simple, it's time to get out of that relationship?" Romantic or otherwise, let me be completely honest with you. My marriage and my strongest relationships are not easy. They require effort, time, and compassion. They require understanding and forgiveness. Sure, maybe the shared compatibility makes it "easy" to want to be with Brandon, or my family or close friends, but the relationships themselves are not always so simple.
We're lying to ourselves if we think that real love is always going to be easy or perfect. In my experience, relationships aren't always as neat and tidy as media portrays them to be. But guess what? I wouldn't trade any one of my genuine relationships in for some other relationship that was actually "easy." The good and the bad all make those relationships stronger. If I'm completely honest, if I haven't experienced some sort of conflict or shared challenge with someone, I'm either not that close with them, or that relationship is still growing.
Speaking of growth, romantic comedies also encourage us to think that once you've found "the one," you should never have to change. Believe me, I love the sentiment of finding someone who respects you entirely for who you are and who doesn't judge you for your flaws or weirdness. I honestly don't know where I'd be without Brandon's unconditional love, and I am so grateful for that. But at the same time, he inspires me to want to be better. In only a couple years of our marriage, I've grown so much. He has empowered me to reach for new heights and to not give up on myself. He has been the constant voice in the back of my head encouraging me to do what's right, even when it's not easy. So, while I am incredibly thankful for his unfaltering love and his respect for me (besides my occasional unsolicited tum punch), he makes me want to change in order to be the best version of myself. In my opinion, real love is changing together. True love is inspiring one another to keep changing for the better.
What I've learned is that love is not easy. It is not some wavering, temperamental emotion. But the time, patience, and effort is always worth it when two people are genuinely making the choice to love one another.
 |
| I have always loved Shakespeare's Sonnet 116. Thanks, Boy Meets World. :-P |
I wholeheartedly agree with what you say here. When I read the title of your post, much of what I was thinking I had to say on the topic was stuff that you said in the post itself.
ReplyDeleteI think that there's an interesting trope that happens sometimes in movies or series where a couple (possibly one that the audience saw together in an earlier season/movie) hasn't been together for a while, but then they end up on a dramatic adventure and in the height of things "realize their feelings for one another" and get back together. It always seems to me that in these situations, the high drama is what got them together then, and probably why they'd been together before. As soon as it goes away, they'll probably fall apart again. But the credits roll before that happens.
And even without the 'together, apart, together' thing, I think it remains true for a lot of fictional couples. They're drawn together by adventurous, often life-threatening circumstances, and their relationship is based on drama and emotion rather than on any level of depth.
But yeah, love isn't an emotion. It's a choice. And it is hard. Sometimes it's really hard. I think a relationship that doesn't take effort is probably one that's very superficial. I think that the strongest relationships are with people who are going to test us and who are going to push us. That's often stressful and angering, because our minds always want to remain stagnant. But in the end, the trials of love and deep relationships make us better people.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Doug! It's funny... I actually meant to explore that same idea too. In my social psych class, we talked a lot about how shared experiences that involve danger or excitement can often lead couples to feel a very strong emotional bond. However, my professor cautioned that this bond is only as strong as it is in that moment. It won't last unless that couple continues to nurture the relationship (or they seek more danger?). Drama and emotional excitement could be potential catalysts for beginning a relationship, but they definitely aren't enough to foster a relationship of depth in the future.
DeleteI agree with what you wrote about how the strongest relationships often push us out of our comfort zones. Our minds definitely resist change. Those who encourage us to be brave enough to work on positive change are definitely blessings.