A Birthday Limerick for Nathan

Another collaborative effort with my wonderful husband as a birthday surprise for our good friend, Nathan. Since he enjoyed the Shakespeare one we wrote for him, and because we've been reminiscing about all the fun we had together in our old Dungeons and Dragons campaign, we hoped this would be another home run. :)

A Birthday Limerick for Nathan

There once was a DM named Nate

His players would watch him create!

Immersed in a world

Adventure unfurled

Their hunger for fun he did sate!

His love for great tales did abound

Such clever ones rarely were found!

Topics to discuss

Those chats were a plus

Good friends loved to gather around,

A master of DRP known to all

Committed to acting, enthralled!

Words danced from the scripts

Though gender was flipped

In some of the best scenes and brawls!

Today on most special of days

May no hurdles stand in your way.

Know that you are strong

Despite what comes ‘long.

May you feel belov-ed, we pray.

The Psychology of Well-Being

This has been a challenging few months. It is so easy to find ourselves falling into a trap of hopelessness and complacency. I've been trying to spend this unexpected amount of free time in a meaningful way when I can. One thing that I have been trying my best to focus on is personal growth. I've reflected about how I feel my best when I am learning or growing in some area of my life. Taking a free course on the science of well-being was both a fun challenge and a great reminder of how much better I feel on days when I am stretching my mind. Reflecting on what I've learned during the course seems like the perfect way to share what I've taken away from it and to remember the wisdom I've gained from the course in the future.

I started to include links to all the mentioned studies, but than I quickly realized it would be very time-consuming to find accessible links to them all. Plus, it started to feel like too much of a college paper searching for links to many, many journal articles. :-P  Suffice it to say, the Science of Well-Being course is free on Coursera, so you can find more info there if you are interested.  Or, if you're a friend reading this and you're curious about something in particular, let me know, and I'd be happy to look it up for you. :)

The Psychology and Science of Well-Being

Primarily, the class examined how our minds have a tendency to "miswant..." meaning, we tend to be overly confident that we know what will make us happy... but in reality, we're not very good at predicting what will actually bring us joy. A perfect example is television. Who hasn't thought that vegging out and binge-watching would improve our mood? The course showed how our intuition actually fools us. Studies show that we tend to be much happier when we are engaging our minds, challenging ourselves, and finding "flow," the state where we feel so fully immersed in what we're doing that we lose track of time. Although you may lose track of time watching your favorite series, actions as simple as watching more TV actually lead you to not only have more unrealistic expectations of reality, but also, lead you to spend more money on things you regret purchasing. Another study showed that you are twice as likely to want to buy a new car simply because your neighbor has a new vehicle sitting in their driveway. And yet another showed that regardless of how much money you're making, you always think you should be making more- just because you know others have more money than you. The thing is, we get stuck thinking that whatever we have isn't enough, because we're bombarded with unrealistic comparison points and ideals that we should constantly be seeking more.

We think we'll be happier if we attain our dream job, lose enough weight, or the reach the perfect achievements. Research shows that the perfect job doesn't exist, your ideal weight will just keep fluctuating, and the wonderful feeling you get from achievement is fleeting. In reality, only 10% of your happiness is based on circumstance. In theory, if you win the lottery, your life will only have the chance to get about 10% happier at the most. With that in mind, is happiness simply biological and completely out of our control? Only 50% of our happiness is said to be based on genetics. It is estimated that about 40% of our happiness relies on our actions, intentions, and habits. When you think about this, that can be very empowering. You may feel out of control, but improving your happiness is more within your grasp than you think.

Not only do the things we see and the people we interact with provide us with countless reference points, but they tend to be inaccurate comparison points. We tend to assume that what we see is what we should be striving towards or comparing ourselves to. This makes it incredibly challenging to ever be satisfied with the material things you own, your job or your salary, or your appearance. Of course, I could go on and on about this, but I'm also very passionate about the impact of unrealistic body expectations on our self esteem. Once again, I was horrified to learn of multiple more studies where husbands and wives rated their spouses' photos as less attractive after viewing heavily edited photos of models. Partners (especially women) often end up reporting increased anxiety, depression, and self-doubt after viewing photos of models or even after simply knowing that their spouse looked at a photo of a model.
 And once again, I was saddened to see more research about how there is a strong correlation between the amount of time spent on social media and  plummeting self esteem and increased anxiety and depression. Attempting to measure up to an unrealistic depiction of happiness, beauty or wealth is hazardous to our mental health. Studies continue to show that if you truly want to increase your happiness, it's more effective to quit social media than it is to win $100,000!

Time and time again, psychology research shows us that experiences make us so much happier than material things ever could. Anticipation of an experience alone actually boosts our happiness levels much more thinking about a purchase we intend to make or even actually attaining that item. Experiences may be fleeting, but they are dynamic. They provide us with positive memories, encourage us to be present in the moment, and foster gratitude. Plus, sharing experiences actually brings us closer with others as well. Here, the basic logic is that hearing about someone's fun story is far more entertaining than hearing about the new thing they just bought. Studies show we are more likable when we share about an experience than when we talk about the newest item we purchased.

The class delved deep into the concept of "hedonic adaptation," meaning, we get used to everything that brings us pleasure when it sticks around long enough. In order to maintain our satisfaction with activities or things that bring us joy, a suggestion would be to not engage with them as often, to take a break from them, or to change positions of where you typically see these items. Our brains get used to things being in certain locations, so if we change these locations often enough, the theory is that they won't fade into the background. Surprisingly, a study showed that commercial breaks actually make us enjoy our favorite shows more. With a pause, we break the hedonic adaptation cycle and come back to enjoy it more again once the break is over. Spacing out positive activities makes us happier. More variability can actually make us happier too. Breaking routine and making even just a small change can change our perspective and can increase our happiness.

On a more meaningful note than looking at how our brains respond to mere objects, given enough time, our minds even start to take the best relationships in our lives for granted. If we want to keep appreciating the people in our lives, it is so important to remind ourselves to practice gratitude, to savor time with them, or to even try a new activity together to change things up.

The silver lining here is that there are ways we can combat our minds' struggle to miswant and our tendency towards hedonic adaptation. One way is negative visualization. Similarly to the plot in "It's a Wonderful Life, " think about what would happen if you didn't have your spouse, your job, your home, etc. Consider, what would happen if you lost this aspect of your life that you take for granted. Chances are, in that moment, you'll remember how blessed you are.

Another way to combat the miswant of coveting what someone else has is by acknowledging when our references points are unhealthy or biased. By making our reference points more accurate, we can focus on genuineness.  Ways to do this could be to get off social media, to stop watching so much TV, or to spend more time with people who share both the good and the bad of their lives.

To find what truly brings us meaning and happiness, the course discussed how we should know our signature strengths and how to use them in different ways every day. After taking the Yale happiness assessment, I found that my top strengths were kindness, love, honesty, fairness, and social intelligence. (What am I, a Care Bear?) Studies show that using your signature strengths increases job satisfaction, productivity, and overall happiness and fulfillment. These strengths often can be translated to a feeling of a "true calling." You don't need to take an official quiz to know what makes you unique or which values fire you up. Just journaling or talking with someone you care about will likely reveal the areas of your personality that you respect and honor the most.


What are some other ways we can consciously increase our happiness levels?

Gratitude is a big buzz word lately, but it turns out there's a reason for that. Studies show that simply listing five things you're thankful for every day wires your mind to be happier. More powerful still, when you actively practice gratitude, you tend to worry less, to make better social connections, to take better care of yourself (exercising more, for example) and to even get sick less often. Sharing gratitude makes it even mightier. A marriage study showed that partners sharing gratitude for one another lessened their frequency of fights and improved martial satisfaction overall. A job study showed that work ethic increases by up to 50%, just by simply telling an employee that their work is valued and appreciated. Across the board, gratitude matters.

Kindness and generosity also provide us with opportunities to become happier. Studies show that those who have more motivation towards helping others are actually happier than those who consistently put themselves first. In fact, just thinking about an act of kindness instantly boosts your mood. A fascinating experiment showed that when participants were given either $5 or $20 and told to spend the money on either themselves or on a complete stranger, the participants predicted that they would be happiest if they spent $20 on themselves. Reality showed that participants were actually far happier if they spent money on someone else, and that the amount they spent didn't matter. The experiment ran in multiple cities, countries, and even continents. Even people in critical poverty were happier caring for others rather than keeping the money for themselves.

The signification of social connection can not be ignored either. Studies show that there are multiple connections between strong social bonds and increased levels of health and happiness. Those who are isolated tend to struggle with many more health complications. Very unhappy people spend more time alone than those who are happier. Even connections with random people make a difference in our lives. A very intriguing experiment showed that levels of enjoyment of a piece of chocolate increased significantly just by having two participants in the same room together (rather than having the participants isolated for the study), even if they could not speak or even make eye contact with one another.Simply knowing that someone else was sharing the experience was enough to change their perspective of the experience, in this case, how the chocolate tasted. The value of social connection cannot be understated. The healthier your relationships, the happier you are. 

Prioritizing free time and experiences actually leads us to becoming far happier than when we value money over leisure.Studies show that the wealthier you are, typically the less free time you tend to have. The theory seems to be that there is an "sweet spot" where you are earning enough to live comfortably, while still having enough down time to actually enjoy your life. The term "time affluence" is being used frequently to examine the important of having time for meaningful activities outside work.

Other ways we can increase our happiness are by sleeping and exercising regularly. This wasn't as interesting to me, just because I've read a lot about this, and I've already learned a lot about the importance of both over the years. I was reminded of the study that shows that exercise alone is actually more effective combating depression than even a combination of exercise and medication! It is a cool reminder of how important it is to be active at least a few days a week for even just 30 minutes a day. It doesn't have to be a huge commitment. We can all make time 30 minutes a few times a week, and we can certainly all reap the benefits.

A final way we can increase levels of happiness (that feels more daunting to me) is by practicing mindfulness or meditation. It is thought that our minds are wandering and are not focused on the here and now about 47% of the time. Meditation can help us make more connections with other parts of our brains and help us to focus on the present. Studies show that even when you're not meditating, your body and soul reaps the benefits of a consistent practice. By meditating, the gray matter in your brain increases, your cognition may improve, you feel an increased level of social closeness and love, and you feel happier overall.


For the final weeks of the course, we were challenged to focus on one of these areas that are said to boost happiness. It was uncomfortable at first, but I eventually leaned into my daily meditation practice. There were many days when I didn't want to or when I felt my mind wandering and getting frustrated. But there was not a single day that I wasn't glad that I took a few minutes to quiet my mind and to focus on the here and now. I continue to practice meditation. Although it's not perfect, and there are mornings when I forget, I am learning to be more self-forgiving and to keep trying.

At the beginning of the class, I took a couple happiness assessments to get a baseline measurement. At the end of the course, I retook these assessments. On both, my happiness scores went up by .5 to a full point. As the professor explained, a .5 point increase or above is significant. It was exciting to see measurable results of how the past few weeks of focusing on meditation and what I had been learning actually may have increased my happiness levels. Of course, correlation does not mean causation. But considering that not much else has been changing over those past few weeks, I am confident that my attitude of prioritizing self-care and of focusing on positivity has made this time a little more hopeful.

With all that said, life is complicated. Social comparison, diet scams, and materialism are very prevalent in our lives.  It will always be challenging with the constant exposure to them. Our minds will continue to miswant and to misjudge what reality is based on inaccurate comparison points. But we can choose to focus on our actions, our intentions, and our habits. Choosing gratitude, kindness, generosity, social connection, exercise, rest, and mindfulness are all excellent ways to start. We can recognize that what we're seeing isn't always an accurate reference point. We can choose to spend time with those who are genuine and with those who share a fuller, more realistic picture of their lives.  We can focus on using our signature strengths- on what makes us unique and worthy- at work, at home, and everywhere in between.

A Lofty Estilo

A collaborate (With the ever talented Brandon Williams!) attempt at a Shakespearean style poem for our dear friend, Nathan, who recently found his first job after earning his PhD. Though this is filled with inside jokes, the most important piece to know is that mostly all the names refer to apartment complexes. :-P

A Lofty Estilo

Goodbye to your old place: the cozy Bluffs.

Iambic feet are really not so tough!

With just a little eye on emphasis

Bard Shakespeare needn’t be our nemesis.

Digression! Let us toast the lovely Lofts.

That now and oft we’ll game with Drake and Croft!

Horizon yonder speaks of fun soon had.

Just dodge the “yuppies” in your sweet, new pad!

The choice you made will prove as no mistake

To place it high above those Em’rald Lakes.

The time will come to tackle chapters new.

Beware that concierge in tights that woo!

We’re bless’d to have us such a loyal friend.

Would only that our friendship never end.

What, ho! We’re happy so to have you here!

Along with Times of Greatness you bring near.

Make Covid Go Away

A little parody song to the tune of the well-known "I Want it That Way" Backstreet Boys tune. So kindly edited by Becky Coutinho and Audrey Strietz. :)

 My hands are on fire   

They say this is direee

Washing them all day!

Make COVID go away.

But we are six feet apart

Quarantine breaks my heart

Such dismay

Make COVID go away.

Tell me whhhyyy

Why can’t we play outside today? 

Tell me whhhyyy

Is this really going to last till May?

Tell me why

I’m so bored I guess I’ll hit the hay

Make COVID go away.

Lookin’ my best-  no doubt

Get dressed to take the trash out   

Yes, I know, it’s just the mailman

Great to see a human again!

Tell me whhhyy

Why you hoarding all the TP?

Tell me whhhy?

Just listen to the CDC!

Tell me why

Should I just go out and buy a bidet?

Make Corona go away

Now we can see the economy’s falling apart

People are losing their jobs. 

Yeeeeahhh 

With the six feet distance, I want you to know

When you cough, stay away from me!!!

My hands are on firre

Situation’s direee

Wash your hands

Wash your hands

Wash your hands

YOUR HANDS!

Don’t wanna hear you say…

Going to hang at my friend’s house

Seeing anyone but your spouse

I never want to hear you say

Make Corona go away

Tell me whhhyy

Why is Lysol now my best friend?

Tell me whyyyy

Social distance is the new trend?

Tell me whhhy

Stimulus checks will be delayed

Our nerves are really frayed…

Tell me why 

There’s nothing fresh at the store 

Tell me why

Don’t wanna eat dry pasta no more

Tell me why

Maybe I’ll go out and adopt a stray    

Make COVID go away

Make COVID  go away

The Night Before Crumb-Mas

Just a little joke surprise for Bran from last Christmas! (I'm posting this now so that all of my weird writings can be found in one place.)

The Night Before Crumb-Mas

It was the night before Christmas, and all through our bed.

Not a cutie was stirring. Not even a bread.

Just kidding. How could that possibly be true?

Certainly not with rambunctious little Crout.

For you see, our little breads had big plans in store.

They had lots to do before our feet hit the floor!

Breads like to cuddle, but they’re adventurous too.

At night they explore after cuddling is through!

On Christmas Eve, they found themselves at the North Pole...

Where they learned Santa needed their help to make Christmas whole.

You see, Rudolph had come down with a horrible cold.

Of course, Santa needn’t ask Crumb and Crout to be bold!

Our favorite little guys knew just what to do.

They would lead the way- those brave bread two!

With the help of their bread magic, of course they could fly.

But while Crouton Electron-ed about, Crumb gasped a loud sigh.

Without a bright nose, how could they help?

Crumb realized this and started to yelp!

“Santa, we’re not Rudolph. How can we light the way?”

“We’re worried we can’t help you save Christmas day!”

But Santa replied, “don’t you worry, my dears.”

“Your light will shine brightly from right in here.” 

Pointing to their hearts, Santa gave a bright smile.

To understand what he meant, it only took a short while.

Their loving mommy and daddy had taught them so much.

About how to be caring and to share a thoughtful touch.

Once Crumb and Crout believed in their power, their light began to shine.

Some may call it fate, others, just a sign.

But with their magic and light, they helped Santa deliver all the toys.

They even had time to cuddle with some of the nicest girls and boys!

Right before dawn, Santa reminded them of what’s true.

“Believe in yourself, cuties, and there’s nothing you can’t do!”

The two would have never thought they had a secret gift.

But when they were needed, they had felt a lift.

The two breads snuck back home before anyone was up.

Only to find the Grinch drinking hot cocoa from a green cup!

The two gasped with glee; could this possibly be real?

The Grinch was right there just like a snorfblazzle surcheal!

The Grinch let out a hee-haw and cackled with glee.

Right before using his magic to go up the chimney!

“Wait!” Crouton cried, wanting more time.

But the Grinch was gone at the drop of a dime.

When their mommy and daddy awoke to see what was the matter,

Crumb and Crout snuck into bed, without making a clatter.

The two breads looked at each other in astonishment and awe.

This was already the very best Christmas of all!

On Our 5th Wedding Anniversary

Five years of marriage feels like a long time while the years have simultaneously flown by. I recognize that at this point, we've been married or at least in a committed relationship for about a third of our lives. Regardless of life's hardships, my relationship with Brandon has been the constant anchor that continues to inspire me and to give me hope. Looking back on the past few years, I realize there are several important ideas I've learned about marriage and healthy relationships in general. Some might be obvious. But I always want to remember how these resonated with me now. I am deeply thankful for our shared passion to continue learning and growing together. If you're reading this and have other important lessons that you've learned about love or marriage, I'd love to hear them in the comments! 


Love is an action. It is a choice.
I wrote an entire blog post about this in the past, because I feel so passionately about it. Love is not simply some blind decision you make because of obligation or convenience. It isn't some uncontrollable feeling that you fall into. Love is commitment, respect, and unconditional support. It's choosing to put someone first above yourself and deciding to keep fighting even when things are tough. Commitment through the hard times is what grounds your relationship and inspires you to keep trying even when it's not easy.

Marry your best friend.
This speaks for itself. Your closest friends love you unconditionally, genuinely listen, and tend to know what's best for you. They understand you on a level that most others don't, and they empathize with you to an extent that sometimes seems incredible how they can just "get it." Your spouse should be no different. If you're able to enjoy each other's company above all others', and to feel closer with them than you do with anyone else, you are building a strong foundation together. 

Honesty and communication are key.
Vulnerability is one of the most challenging virtues for many of us. It's terrifying to put our feelings, wants, and needs out in the open, where we could be misunderstood or rejected. But thriving relationships require sharing, honesty, openness and lots of vulnerable communication. It's only when we're vulnerable that we are able to truly understand each other and to see the beauty in one another. Honesty also means that you are direct. Don't play games or leave your partner guessing about your thoughts or intentions. You can't expect your partner to read your mind, as tempting as it is for you to just expect them to know what's on your heart. Being upfront is the only way you can ensure that you are fully understood. 
A majority of the time, when friends and family come to me with relationship problems, a lack of communication tends to be the root of the issue. Of course, I understand that relationships and situations can be very complicated. But more often than not, most problems tend to lie with the notion that someone isn't being honest or communicating. Countless relationship problems could be alleviated with some honest communication.

Healthy marriages incorporate both forgiveness and encouragement.
Love is seeing someone entirely- flaws and all- and choosing again and again to both forgive and to encourage them to keep trying every time they make a mistake. It's seeing the best in them even when they can't see it themselves. Love is compassion. Love is empowerment. Love is always seeking to focus on one another's strengths while inspiring one another to improve as well.

You won't always put in 100%. You'll take turns being one another's strength. 
I tend to read cliches about how marriages aren't 50-50; they're 100-100, because you should always be giving your all. While I agree with this sentiment, that is simply not realistic. Throughout seasons of our marriage, there have been times when I know I'm not at my best. Those times when anxiety gets the best of me and I can't think clearly, or when I'm so depressed I can't get myself out of bed, Brandon is putting forth more than his fair share of effort. When he is so exhausted from work that I bring him dinner without him asking or I make sure that he finds a way to take a break even when he doesn't want to, I am taking on a bigger share of burden. Marriage isn't always fair. It's supporting one another and carrying more than your share of the hardship when your partner isn't able to. You take turns taking care of each other during the tough times. There will be times you need to be selfless in order to care for one another. As long as that is consistently reciprocated, it can be a very nurturing aspect of your relationship.

Prioritize time together. Share hobbies you both enjoy.
Make sure that you set aside time to be together without interruptions. Date nights (even if it's just relaxing enjoying take-out at home together!) help to remind you of how important you are to each other. Brandon and I are blessed that we share so many interests and hobbies together. But when we first met each other, that number of shared interests was much smaller than it is today. As we've grown closer, we've begun to share more past-times together, and as a result, we've discovered more ways to spend time together. For example, when I first met Brandon, he was terrified to dance even at weddings. Now he choreographs and leads Zumba songs with me! While we both enjoyed hiking before we met each other, exploring trails and parks together has helped us to discover that we love the mountains and photography (especially taking photos of our adorable stuffed bread. ;)). Brandon was a noob (lolz) when he first tried tennis, and now he serves up aces! He has always been crafty and artistic deep down, but he never fully discovered his talents before making Halloween costumes together or surprising me with creative anniversary gifts. Or take me! I liked video games alright when I first met Brandon, but now I can make him feel like a fool because of how skilled I am in Uncharted. ;) Sharing hobbies like being active, exploring, video games, puzzles, books, movies, etc. allow us to grow closer together while finding new interests we share too.

Keep pushing one another to grow and to try new things.
On that note, don't become complacent or get stuck feeling like things have to be a certain way. If your husband wants to quit his job and start a business with his old boss, (and if you're financially able to take the risk!) encourage him. If your wife wants to share a hobby with you (like Zumba) that you're not confident about, give it a shot anyway. You may end up being the best dancer in the class! ;) There are always going to be terrifying times, because that's life. But knowing that your spouse is there supporting you will make all the difference. Take risks. Empower one another when you're feeling terrified. Feel the fear and do it anyway- especially if you're by each other's side.

Respect each other- both the differences and the shortcomings.
Marriage is not just a buffet line where you pick what you love about someone and then just discard all their flaws. This is one I struggle with, because sometimes I feel unlovable. I don't always see how I can be loved regardless of my weaknesses. But the truth is, we're all complex individuals. To say that I'm an anxious person would disregard how I can also be incredibly calm under pressure when someone needs me. To reduce Brandon to an irritable grump when he's tired would fail to take into account how patient and playful he can be when he is rested. We all have conflicting facets of our personalities. As long as we're working to improve the negative parts of ourselves, we should focus on our strengths.
It can be challenging when you don't see eye to eye with someone you're close to. But I've come to realize that if it's something big, most likely Brandon and I will (at least eventually!) see eye to eye. Why? Because we're both interested in fully understanding one another's perspectives. Because if something is very important to me, I know Brandon will work incredibly hard to see why. And the same goes for me wanting to understand his point of view as well! 

Don't expect that your spouse is going to change.
Many divorces result from someone expecting that their partner is going to change in some fundamental way and then growing resentful when they don't. Maybe they hoped that their spouse would change their mind about having kids, or where to live, or their political beliefs. But the truth is, you can't expect that someone is going to change just because you've said your marriage vows. Thankfully, change and growth is a part of a healthy marriage. Don't get me wrong- I'm not saying we shouldn't encourage our spouses to keep bettering themselves. We should constantly strive to keep growing together. But when you expect someone to change in a fundamental way without previously communicating about it, that's unfair and toxic.

Learn how to resolve conflicts.
Conflict is a natural part of any close relationship. You're going to disagree and even just get on each other's nerves for no apparent reason. ("We're both a little tired..." :-P) It's not important that you don't fight; it's important that you fight fairly. I'll be the first to admit I struggle with shutting down or feeling attacked during an argument. But in order to work through a conflict, you need to be present and stay on track. Stay focused about your topic without bringing up additional hurts or past resentment. Listen with an open mind and take responsibility for hurting your partner. Don't assume the worst or feel discouraged. And if you need some time to cool off, more power to you for recognizing that. Walking away for a  while doesn't mean that you're giving up. Just make sure you come back when you're ready. Because I promise you, if you're in a healthy relationship, you will work through it.

The little things can become the big things.
Take time to notice the small things. A little note, a spontaneous hug or kiss, a mid-day meme (Wholesome is the best! :-P) that made you think of them, trips to get frozen custard for no special reason, embarrassing stories that turn into inside jokes. Brandon and I have a tradition where we write down the little fun things throughout the year and keep them in a memory jar. At the start of the new year, we read them all together and look back on the good times. It's amazing seeing how many of those little things actually led to something greater- or at the very least- how many moments we still reference and find significant.

Share your gratitude for one another.
So much psychological research shows that expressing gratitude profoundly impacts our lives. We're not only happier when we prioritize gratitude, but we're also mentally healthier. The idea is that once we start looking for things to be thankful for, we rewire our minds to continue focusing on those positive aspects of life. Expressing thankfulness for our spouses not only strengthens feelings of closeness, but it also helps us grow as individuals. It's also affirming seeing what someone finds special about you! So many of the silly little things I do seem to mean more to Brandon than I expect. Let your partner know what you admire and love about them. It matters- believe me!

Agree on finances.
Money is one of the leading causes of divorce. Unfortunately, there's a lot of research suggesting that many couples are either dishonest when it comes to their spending, or they have very incompatible views when it comes to how money should be spent. With Brandon and me, we are typically very much on the same page when it comes to how we spend our money. But we are also honest with one another, and we even *gasp!* communicate about what we want to buy if we're making a big purchase. We typically agree on whether or not we should use our savings for a vacation, a new video game, or what have you. But when we don't agree, we talk about it. We view it as our money, and as a shared decision. This mindset seems to help instead of arguing over who deserves to buy what. Admittedly, we are very blessed that we feel comfortable financially, but we also budget and prioritize saving together. Without having compatible views on finances or at least the ability to respect what your partner wants to prioritize, money can be a sore subject for many couples.

Allow yourself to learn from other couples, but remember that your relationship is unique.
It can be inspiring to be around couples who have been together for ages or who seem to be genuinely happy. It's awesome to learn from them or to want to know what their secret to happiness is. But the truth is, what works for one couple might not work for another. And assuming that another couple has it all figured out is not true either. Comparisons only lead to hurt- especially when you're most likely never seeing the down points or challenges of their relationship. Keep in mind that all couples struggle at times, and there is no "one size fits all" secret to success.

Laugh together. Embrace your weirdness!
Don't always take your relationship too seriously. Admittedly, Brandon and I are big dorks and will always be kids at heart. But don't be afraid to be goofy or to be a little ridiculous at times. Don't be ashamed of your goofy baby voice or of still cuddling with stuffed breads. ;) Sometimes I've felt judged or ashamed for being too child-like at times. But life is too short to not find the humor in it or to enjoy the playful moments.

Look forward to the future together.
Set goals. Make bucket lists. Keep travel ideas. Know that you're in this together forever, and realize what a gift that is. Yes, happy relationships require more work than we can imagine at times. But I promise that there is nothing more worthwhile.

Happy 5th anniversary, my Always. :) 

On Our 9th Cuterversary

Nine years have flown by, and I still can’t imagine what life would be like if I hadn't got up the courage to go share a pizza with you. Thanks for being such an incredible partner for another year. Happy 9th Cuterversary!

P.S. I realize I thought of most of this in the middle of the night, but as I was writing it out, I began to see how truly deep my main character complex runs. I tried to keep it in check for you.

You’re the Potts to my Stark.

I’m the Michael to your Fi.

You’re my Light in the Dark.

You’re the very best part of me.

I’m the Zelda to your Link.

You’re the Grinch to my Cindy Lou.

You always pull me back from the brink.

There Ain't No Place Like You.

You’re the Elena to my Drake.

You’re the Wyatt to my Knope.

I love the adventures we take.

You'll always be my hope.

You’re the Mario to my Peach.

I’m the Chuck to your Sara.

Together there’s nothing out of reach.

We’ll love each other in every era.

I’m the Thea to your Roy. (You have been known to do unnecessary somersaults…)

I’m the Kass to your Steve.

I’m the Nolan to your Troy.

Can’t wait to watch them play Among Thieves!

I’m the Jillian to your Shelly.

I’m the Sal to your Q.

You’re the peanut butter to my jelly.

There is no line when it comes to you! (As it is written on the doorways to paradise! )

I’m the Alpha to your Beta.

You’re the Topanga to my Cory.

I can always count on you for data.

Can’t wait to see where God takes our story.

You’re the Donald to my Daisy.

I’m the Jasmine to your Aladdin.

Thanks for being there when I feel crazy.

And for encouraging my writer within! (I wish I could have asked you for help with a rhyme for Aladdin. It seemed appropriate to not rhyme on the line about writing poetry. )

I’m the Leela to your Fry.

You’re the Sally to my Jack.

In a World Like This, you’re my favorite guy.

I’ll always love you To the Moon and Back.

30 Lessons I've Learned by 30

I've been slowly writing this for practically months now. After losing a huge chunk of my ideas, I was frustrated and felt like giving up. It's easy for me to get discouraged and tell myself lies- for instance, that I don't have anything worth writing. But I keep reminding myself that we all have valid thoughts and experiences. The more we share, the easier it becomes to combat the lies we tell ourselves. Besides, I am trying to work on being more vulnerable, which you'll see if you continue reading this post. ;) 

In no particular order, here are some of the lessons I've had on my mind lately as I turn 30. Some of them may be more crucial than others, and many of them aren't ground-breaking. But sometimes very simple truths are also powerful ones.  I'd love to hear if any resonate with you or if you have others in mind that I haven't included! 

Vulnerability can be terrifying. It is also essential for deep connections. 

It's tough admitting when we need help or when life isn't picture-perfect. But unless we are vulnerable and honest with others, it's impossible to make a genuine connection. If vulnerability is the root of empathy, we simply can't connect with someone unless we are able to open ourselves up. Some of my best relationships were strengthened or even solidified based on some of life's toughest moments. Unless we take a risk and show ourselves honestly, we may lose out on fostering deep, important connections. "Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” - Brene Brown

Comparison is a thief of joy. 

Our culture obsesses over comparing our experiences either on social media or in the endless competition to see who has it worse. But we all have different life experiences, strengths, circumstances, and  goals.These impact our choices that lead us to where we are right now. We are all on different paths and we reach different milestones at different times as a result.  With that said, does it even really make sense to compare our journey to someone else's?  I challenge us to instead, admire those unique talents and accomplishments of those around us. Allow them to inspire us and to empower us to make changes where we want to make changes. When we are able to share someone's happiness, we are no longer so envious.

Love is an action. It is a choice. 
I wrote an entire blog post about this in the past, because I feel so passionately about it. Love is not simply some blind action that you do out of obligation or some uncontrollable feeling that you fall into. Love is commitment, respect, and unconditional support. It's choosing to put someone first above yourself. It's sharing, honesty, openness, and lots of vulnerable communication. It's seeing someone entirely- flaws and all- and choosing again and again to both forgive and to encourage them to keep trying every time they make a mistake. It's seeing the best in them even when they can't see it themselves. Love is compassion. Love is empowerment. Love is honestly what makes life worth living. 

You have more power than you think.

With almost every decision you make, you have a choice. You can make all the excuses you want, but ultimately, you decide what you want to prioritize. You decide how you spend your time, what media you consume, and the people you surround yourself with. It may not always feel like it, but you control your thoughts and your actions. You can choose to make positive changes to improve your life.

Be present. 

In a busy culture obsessed with technology, it's easy to be distracted. As tempting as it may be to think that you can multi-task, the truth is, you can't. (Psychologists have proven this time and time again!) I end up feeling awfully torn and irritable when I attempt to divide my attention among multiple tasks that require my attention. I've learned that it's always better to genuinely focus on one task at a time- especially when it's clear which thing you should prioritize. 

The little things matter. 

Words, hugs, and gestures. A supportive text, the right song at the right time, a simple opportunity to spend time with loved ones. Sometimes I feel paralyzed by the idea that something just doesn't matter in the grand scheme thing of things. But often when I look back, I realize that the little things add up to impact a friendship, a mindset or a goal. When I'm feeling like I can't do enough, I remind myself that just because you can't do everything, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't do something. You have to start somewhere. Sic Parvis Magna, after all. ;) 

You can't help someone until they're ready to accept your help.  

I can't count how many times I've felt powerless when someone asks for advice, yet refuses to follow what they acknowledge is a good idea. It can be heart-breaking watching loved ones continue to make self-destructive choices while you stand on the sidelines attempting to help cheer them back onto a better path. Regardless of our good intentions, the simple truth is, we can't make choices for others. We can merely do our best to be supportive, to listen, and to be honest when they ask for our feedback. Which leads me to...

You can't make a change until you're ready. 
Something needs to click in order for you to make an enduring change. No amount of support or resources can force you to do something you don't want to do. You have to personally want a change badly enough to take steps towards it. Without that honesty about your motivations and priorities, you're not going to get far.

You can't help yourself until you're ready. 

"You are not your job; you're not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet... "               This is one I still struggle with. I still find myself feeling foolish for not using my Master's degree or for worrying about finances. But when it comes down to it, we are so much more than a job title or a paycheck. We are all complex individuals worthy of love regardless of how we are employed or how much we have in a savings account.

Give your all no matter where you are. 

We may not always find ourselves where we want to be. It still matters to be and to do your best. Take pride in everything you do, and suddenly even menial tasks are more significant. There are seasons to life, and regardless of how we may be impatient to begin a new chapter, life is more fulfilling when we care about doing our best in all circumstances. 

Don't be afraid to spend money on experiences or generosity. 

On a similar note, we are so much more than our material possessions. Some of the richest people have very little of value, and some of the poorest in the world are measured as being the happiest. Yet, we still feel compelled to have the newest and greatest when it comes to many material things. For decades, psychological research has continued to show us that at a certain point, having more money does not correlate with increased levels of happiness.  In my experience, buying that new throw pillow or cute top only provides a fleeting happiness. It is nothing compared to the joy of experiencing something new or of giving to others. Spending money on travel, experiences, and generosity all yield way more happiness than shopping. 

Helping others and volunteering is good for the soul. 

Spend time helping others around you. It can be something as simple as seeing a friend or a neighbor in need and taking time to be there for them. Or it can be making a commitment to an organization that gives back to your community. Being a mentor with Big Brothers Big Sisters has changed my life in so many ways. The perspective I've gained and what I've learned from my Little Brother have been eye-opening. Helping someone in need not only makes a difference, but it also changes you for the better. 

Show gratitude every day. 

Struggling with depression at times, this one can be challenging for me. But I've often found that being thankful can snowball. Finding one positive aspect of life often leads to noticing others. Shifting your mindset to recognizing your blessings can be a game-changer to slowly pull yourself away from a depressed episode. 

Friendships change. And that's normal.  

Time changes things. So does distance, busy schedules, new families, etc. Relationships start to look different as time goes on, but the best relationships will still remain in tact as long as you both prioritize each other. On the flip-side, if you feel like you're pulling teeth to plan a get-together with a friend, or if you feel drained after spending time with them, maybe you need to reevaluate how you're prioritizing your time. It can be painful to consider, but pulling back a bit can often allow you to devote more time to more fulfilling relationships. 

Try not to take things personally. 

At times I've felt personally attacked by how I felt  neglected or taken advantage of by others, but I have come to realize that their hurtful behavior is not a reflection on me. As Don Miguel Ruiz outlines in his "The Four Agreements:"  "Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." It is so challenging to remember in the moment, but everyone is carrying their own baggage. There is almost always more to the story than others share with us. We can't always understand the actions of others, but we certainly don't have to take responsibility for them.

“Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be; embrace who you are.”  

It's easy to obsess over how others view us and whether or not the world is going to accept our decisions. Working as a nanny, I still feel others' judgment and worry about others looking down on me for not being employed in the field of my Master's degree. However, if I am genuinely happy and know that I am making a difference with my chosen profession, it doesn't ultimately matter. Have a hobby that's not considered "cool?" My dad still doesn't understand how I developed a love for Zumba dance, video games, spy shows or superheroes. Who cares as long as these hobbies bring you joy? The bottom line is that you are the only one living your life. Lean into it. 

Forgive. Meet people where they are. 

This is a tough one for me. I struggle balancing the idea that I want to bring out the best in others and that I want to accept others fully for who they are. Most often, we need to move on from the past harm, accept that it happened, and acknowledge that there is a lot outside of our control. At a certain point, we need to let go. We can continue loving and encouraging people regardless of how they've harmed us. Ultimately, holding on to past pain hurts you way more than it hurts them.

Surround yourself with people who challenge and uplift you. 

It's wonderful to have a big heart and to care about lots of people in your life. But we also need to recognize who consistently empowers us to keep pushing ourselves and who leaves us feeling inspired to become better versions of ourselves. Spending more time with these people can be life-giving!

It's important to say "no" sometimes. 

This is a big one for me, and for a lot of my female friends especially. It's important to acknowledge that you can't do everything. You can't be everywhere at the same time. It's essential  to prioritize what's most important in your life and to acknowledge that just because you say "no" sometimes, that doesn't reflect negatively on you. Those who genuinely care will always understand if we are honest when we're being spread too thinly. It's easy for me to still feel guilty because I do care so much, and I don't want to let anyone down. But I've come to realize that if I don't say "no" and take care of myself when I need to, I often end up attempting to pour from an empty cup. And that's not helpful for anyone in the long run!

Stop rushing. 
This is one of my biggest triggers of anxiety. I fear that I need to complete tasks at an unachievable speed or that if I'm five minutes late, I'll be inconsiderate to others. If you're not a type A personality like me, more power to you! How I envy being so easy-going that you aren't concerned about the little things! For me, rushing is typically caused because of worrying about some future event; it's not about being in the present moment and focusing on what's at hand. Taking a moment to regain perspective and to slow down can be so incredibly helpful to regaining peace! Besides, everyone understands if you're running behind on occasion. ;) 

Prioritize self-care. 

This looks slightly different for everyone. But in general, pursuing relationships and activities that nurture your soul is essential to upholding your mental health. This may fluctuate depending on what's going on in your life. Sometimes I know a long chat or walk with Brandon is just what I need, and other times I need alone time to get pumped with a challenging workout or video game. For most of us, I think we typically know what we need even if we're afraid to ask for it sometimes. Listening to yourself and truly taking care of yourself go hand in hand. 

Eat. Sleep. Move. 

Self-care is pretty consistently finding time to be active, getting enough sleep, and eating healthy. (As much as it pains me to admit, fast food isn't going to make me feel good in the long run. ;)) It's so easy to neglect at least one of these areas when you're feeling stressed, but it's amazing what a difference balancing them all can make in terms of upholding our mental health and overall happiness. I've challenged myself to be aware of these three areas when I'm feeling down. And almost always I can point to at least one of them that I'm neglecting when I notice I'm not doing so well. 

Find an exercise that challenges you and inspires you. 

I can't emphasis enough how working out has improved my life. Besides helping to keep anxious and depression thoughts in check,  it has given me goals, a sense of self-pride, and empowerment. It reminds me that even when I feel like I can't, I can. Exercising with someone is even better through sharing an activity, support, and motivation. Zumba, bike-riding, hiking, tennis, and weight-lifting are some of my favorite hobbies, and I'm so glad that exercise typically doesn't feel like a chore to me. I hope everyone can find a way to stay active that they enjoy!

Join a church or a community where you feel connected. 

For years I didn't feel like I clicked well with my church. Don't go through the motions if it's not a good fit for you. When we joined St. Helen's, I felt a connection and pull to get more involved. I've been singing with the church choir for years now, and I'm very grateful for the amazing community there. 

We're way harder on ourselves than others typically are. 
It's true- we're our own worst enemies. It's amazing how insecure many of us are, while most others don't even notice our "huge flaws." We are constantly critiquing ourselves and feeling like we're under a microscope. But guess what? Everyone else is too busy feeling insecure or unsure about themselves to be nearly as critical as we are about ourselves. Studies show that there is a "spotlight effect" where we think others are far more critical and attentive to our flaws than they are in reality.

P.S. Perfection doesn't exist  
Believe me, I've tried again and again to reach some unobtainable measure of perfection, and ironically, it makes me fail every time. Striving towards growth is terrific. Wanting to do your best is not perfectionism. Perfectionism is just a manifestation of anxiety. It's a voice telling us that if we appear to have it together, others won't notice the flaws that we're hiding. But honestly, imperfection is beautiful.  It is authentic. As the brave Brene Brown says,  “Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.” (Also for Bran: "Perfect sucks. Perfect's boring!" -Jillian Michaels) 

Never lose your inner child. 
Working with kids is one of my passions. I am inspired by their kindness, their vulnerability, and their sense of wonder. Kids love hard, they say what they're thinking, and they're not afraid to ask for help. They don't hesitate to include others just because they look or talk differently. Most importantly, they aren't afraid to have fun and to continue learning. So many people I know are terrified of admitting that they need help or that they don't understand something. And so many others don't remember how to have fun because they take life so seriously. When it comes down to it, we can all benefit from enjoying life's little joys and loving a little more openly!

Don't be ashamed to admit you don't know or you need help. 
"Somehow we’ve come to equate success with not needing anyone. Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand, but we’re very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves. It’s as if we’ve divided the world into “those who offer help” and “those who need help.” The truth is that we are both.” -Brene Brown. We all need help with some area of our lives. When we stop shaming ourselves and others for this very fundamental part of our humanity, we'll enable ourselves to grow. I understand now more than ever that we need people who care in our lives. Without others, life isn't worth living.


Feel the fear. And do it anyway.  
Most of my best memories and biggest blessings have resulted from taking risks. Most valuable things in life require courage and taking a leap into the unknown. I'm the first to admit that I'm scared... a lot. I'm anxious about my health or the future, or wondering if I should have tried to get to sleep earlier or if I should have worded that text differently. My thoughts have a tendency to spiral and to lead me to question myself and to worry about almost anything. But the truth is, working through your fears and facing them even when you're terrified is the only way you can ever make progress. Oftentimes it's the only way you can make the first steps towards becoming happier.

Things have a tendency of working out better than we expect.  
And finally, I see the pattern of how even when I can't imagine overcoming something or getting through a tough event, I end up being ok in the end. Through heartbreaks, disappointments, anxious and depressed spirals, we overcome. As cliche as it sounds, we are stronger and braver than we often think we are. We are capable of so much more than we recognize, and even when we're feeling incredibly defeated, we stand back up again. We face the world a little wiser and stronger the next time.