I am a perfectionist. I fear failure more than almost anything.
I also struggle with pretty severe anxiety and depression at times. Because of this, I often find myself fixating on what I need to accomplish and questioning whether or not I am using my time wisely. At times, this can be crippling. However, sometimes the anxiety can actually energize me as well. I feel motivated to achieve, because I'm obsessed about what others think about me. Or I'm focused on how terrible I'll feel if I don't reach the (sometimes impossible) goals I set for myself.
Then without notice, the depression crashes over me. I can suddenly find myself resenting my choices and feeling defeated all within a few short moments. Maybe in the future I'll attempt to describe this roller coaster in detail. For now, simply put: it's exhausting.
Combine these factors with the fact that I also find my schedule much more hectic than I once did, and it's a recipe for all kinds of excuses to not try when something pushes me out of my comfort zone.
I used to write much more often. May it be journaling, songs, stories, etc. Somewhere along the line I started getting hung up on no longer feeling the same creative spark I once admired in myself. A few years ago, I found myself caught up in the fear that I had nothing original to say or that I was simply pressuring myself to write. Unfortunately, I lost the joy I once experienced in writing, and so I stopped encouraging myself to try.
I've been reflecting more about my mental health and who I want to become. For a few months now I've been feeling a creative pull again. I've been keeping ever-growing lists of story ideas, but every time I've attempted to pursue a thought, I find myself feeling drained before I even really begin.
It is my hope that I can attempt to write some short blogs- potentially just ramblings and random sharings- in order to get myself excited about writing again. I'd love to arrive at a place where I'm no longer so terrified of failure or of what others think of me.
I've always been resistant of change- even when it is a potentially positive change.
But I am trying my best to let go of the past and to fully embrace the idea of positively impacting my life now.
Any thoughts, advice, or motivation for writing would be greatly appreciated!
Blog! Blog! Blog!
ReplyDeleteProud! Proud! Proud!
I'm glad you finally took a step towards a creative outlet. Maybe you could include short stories, as well. Perhaps a series detailing the adventures of an Arabian street urchin who used to be a spy that is spending his burned years searching for ancient treasures from locations of legend!
You're the Cutest and Wormiest. :)
DeleteWell, starting is a good start. And doing this blog seems to be starting something. Even if you don't update all the time, it is a good way of having a place to put things.
ReplyDeleteI know that I've found that I'm more motivated to work on my creative endeavors when I have people reading and responding to my things. Instant (or semi-instant) gratification and what not, so the blog format may be helpful to you depending on what you're wanting to do with your creativity. Since at this point it seems like your main goal is just exploring it, I'd say it's ideal.
I definitely get what you're saying about using time effectively, and get really stressed when I feel like I am not doing so...and sometimes get burned out and end up spending lots of time doing stuff that I don't find very effective. (Of course, some of what I find to be good uses of time might be of debatable value anyway).
There's something about balance as well. I think that I tend to lean to much towards using time for leisure activities, while others I know lean to much towards using time for work activities. Doing either in excess can be unhealthy and problematic.
In any case, I look forward to hearing more from you in the days to come.
Thanks for the encouragement, Doug! I agree that as I'm still just exploring, a blog seems like a safe bet for trying to keep myself accountable. I get what you're saying about gratification as well. Thanks again for caring!
ReplyDeleteI often feel that inner struggle. This podcast gave voice and structure to some of those feelings:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.npr.org/templates/transcript/transcript.php?storyId=507901716
In particular, this line struck a chord: "The unknown competitor that you haven't had a chance to think up yet is a vicious antagonist to your peace and happiness in life."
Here's to you finding your storytelling tongue able to spit your tales as fast as your mind conceives them!
A sincere thanks for how much you always care and encourage me, dear friends. :) I just listened to the podcast this morning. Thank you very much for sharing that with me! You tend to have a knack for sharing pertinent works that relate to my life. It made a lot of interesting points about searching for meaning and fulfillment even when we can't turn an interest into a paid profession and about how we place too much emphasis on finding some "ideal" that truly doesn't even matter. Thanks for sharing and for your support! :)
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