Choices & Change

I realize it's been a couple months since I've attempted to write, so I figured I was long overdue to share some thoughts. It's not that I haven't been keeping a memo of ideas I'd like to explore through writing, but I guess I often get stuck on my fears of not feeling like I am going to have something worthwhile to say. When I examine that idea further, I recognize that I honestly do believe everyone has thoughts that are "worthy" of sharing. Everyone has their own unique experiences and perspectives that can be thought-provoking or at the very least amusing. (As I recently discussed with Nathan and Brandon, anyone can be a Youtube star these days!)

I admit that I feel daunted by the thought of eloquently sharing a brand new idea. I certainly recognize that I am no expert when it comes to... well, anything really... but should that discount my attempts to write out my thoughts? Sometimes writing is therapeutic in a way that speaking is not. Plus, if I am genuinely interested in others' viewpoints and in them sharing their knowledge, does it matter if I want to explore a topic that has been "done before?"  As long as I am exploring something or as long as someone else is helping me to see something from a new perspective, that feels like it's worth it in my mind. So if I am able to rationally dismiss the notion that my thoughts aren't worth sharing, what holds me back?

Fear of judgment, of course. Fear of not being a good writer or of not being able to express myself well. But again... rationally, I recognize that if I don't try, I'm never going to get better. Self-confidence has always been an area where I struggle, but I am working on that. If I allowed my fear of failure to stop me every time it tried to hold me back, I can only imagine how miserable I'd be.

So all excuses aside, I just don't make writing a priority.

It's funny how that happens, isn't it? We have the best intentions of doing something that we know will be good for us, but we just don't get around to it. To clarify, I recognize that life happens. There are many times when we do have plenty of legitimate commitments and obligations that keep us busy.

However, a good friend often reminds me that regardless of what life throws our way, ultimately we always choose how we spend our time. Yes, sometimes we need to prioritize paying bills or being there for others when they need us. But if we get so caught up in these things that we don't make time for what brings us joy, we often miss out on more of what feeds our souls.

It's challenging to say, "no." Especially for those of us who strive to prioritize others and to do as much as we can, it can feel incredibly awful to stand up for what we need. For me, I recognize that I often end up feeling exhausted and resentful when I don't make time for the things that help me recharge. And yet, my fear of letting others down often seems more powerful than my desire to take care of myself. But if I allow this thinking to take the reins, I end up losing sight of my greater purpose.

That's something I've really made strides with over the past couple years. (Thanks to Brandon and conversations with good friends, mostly.) I have learned that I can't pour from an empty cup. Yes, I want to be there for others and to go above and beyond when I can. But sometimes I have to prioritize my own self-care and to realize when I'm burning the candle at both ends. There are always going to be plenty of distractions and opportunities in our lives. How we prioritize them makes a bigger impact than we think. I have been trying to be honest with myself more lately. I want to examine whether or not how I am using my time is best for me. It's tough to remember to question this, but once I do, I tend to be able to recognize pretty quickly if what I'm doing is effecting me in a positive way or not.

So if I can see this so clearly, why do I continue to struggle with not always prioritizing what's best for me? Perhaps it's because I tend to be terrified of change. So much so, that even if I realize something will be better for me in the long run, I am petrified of taking the steps to get there. There is a comfort in the familiar, and sadly enough, so many of us get stuck experiencing the comfort of discontent and even pain at times. It sounds sick when you think about it, and it is. We become addicted to our negativity and disappointment with our choices because we've grown to expect it. And when we have low expectations, it's easier to not get hurt.

Our brains are wired to make connections and to continue making those connections until we upset the thought cycle on enough circumstances. With anxiety for instance, my mind has wired itself to think irrational and fearful thoughts in certain circumstances. The only way for me to stop the cycle is for me to continue challenging those thought patterns until my brain makes a new, healthier connection. But the process is time-consuming and admittedly exhausting.

Easy, right? ;) So there's the core issue. It takes so much energy and wisdom to continue challenging our negative thoughts and habits. It takes so much commitment and drive to make a new habit or thought reality.

But what's incredibly powerful to me is the notion that everything starts with one choice. One positive change can lead to the next. One positive thought can empower you to have the energy to make that first step.

So with that said, time to start making writing more of a priority. ;)