I am a perfectionist. I fear failure more than almost anything.
I also struggle with pretty severe anxiety and depression at times. Because of this, I often find myself fixating on what I need to accomplish and questioning whether or not I am using my time wisely. At times, this can be crippling. However, sometimes the anxiety can actually energize me as well. I feel motivated to achieve, because I'm obsessed about what others think about me. Or I'm focused on how terrible I'll feel if I don't reach the (sometimes impossible) goals I set for myself.
Then without notice, the depression crashes over me. I can suddenly find myself resenting my choices and feeling defeated all within a few short moments. Maybe in the future I'll attempt to describe this roller coaster in detail. For now, simply put: it's exhausting.
Combine these factors with the fact that I also find my schedule much more hectic than I once did, and it's a recipe for all kinds of excuses to not try when something pushes me out of my comfort zone.
I used to write much more often. May it be journaling, songs, stories, etc. Somewhere along the line I started getting hung up on no longer feeling the same creative spark I once admired in myself. A few years ago, I found myself caught up in the fear that I had nothing original to say or that I was simply pressuring myself to write. Unfortunately, I lost the joy I once experienced in writing, and so I stopped encouraging myself to try.
I've been reflecting more about my mental health and who I want to become. For a few months now I've been feeling a creative pull again. I've been keeping ever-growing lists of story ideas, but every time I've attempted to pursue a thought, I find myself feeling drained before I even really begin.
It is my hope that I can attempt to write some short blogs- potentially just ramblings and random sharings- in order to get myself excited about writing again. I'd love to arrive at a place where I'm no longer so terrified of failure or of what others think of me.
I've always been resistant of change- even when it is a potentially positive change.
But I am trying my best to let go of the past and to fully embrace the idea of positively impacting my life now.
Any thoughts, advice, or motivation for writing would be greatly appreciated!
