On Our 5th Wedding Anniversary

Five years of marriage feels like a long time while the years have simultaneously flown by. I recognize that at this point, we've been married or at least in a committed relationship for about a third of our lives. Regardless of life's hardships, my relationship with Brandon has been the constant anchor that continues to inspire me and to give me hope. Looking back on the past few years, I realize there are several important ideas I've learned about marriage and healthy relationships in general. Some might be obvious. But I always want to remember how these resonated with me now. I am deeply thankful for our shared passion to continue learning and growing together. If you're reading this and have other important lessons that you've learned about love or marriage, I'd love to hear them in the comments! 


Love is an action. It is a choice.
I wrote an entire blog post about this in the past, because I feel so passionately about it. Love is not simply some blind decision you make because of obligation or convenience. It isn't some uncontrollable feeling that you fall into. Love is commitment, respect, and unconditional support. It's choosing to put someone first above yourself and deciding to keep fighting even when things are tough. Commitment through the hard times is what grounds your relationship and inspires you to keep trying even when it's not easy.

Marry your best friend.
This speaks for itself. Your closest friends love you unconditionally, genuinely listen, and tend to know what's best for you. They understand you on a level that most others don't, and they empathize with you to an extent that sometimes seems incredible how they can just "get it." Your spouse should be no different. If you're able to enjoy each other's company above all others', and to feel closer with them than you do with anyone else, you are building a strong foundation together. 

Honesty and communication are key.
Vulnerability is one of the most challenging virtues for many of us. It's terrifying to put our feelings, wants, and needs out in the open, where we could be misunderstood or rejected. But thriving relationships require sharing, honesty, openness and lots of vulnerable communication. It's only when we're vulnerable that we are able to truly understand each other and to see the beauty in one another. Honesty also means that you are direct. Don't play games or leave your partner guessing about your thoughts or intentions. You can't expect your partner to read your mind, as tempting as it is for you to just expect them to know what's on your heart. Being upfront is the only way you can ensure that you are fully understood. 
A majority of the time, when friends and family come to me with relationship problems, a lack of communication tends to be the root of the issue. Of course, I understand that relationships and situations can be very complicated. But more often than not, most problems tend to lie with the notion that someone isn't being honest or communicating. Countless relationship problems could be alleviated with some honest communication.

Healthy marriages incorporate both forgiveness and encouragement.
Love is seeing someone entirely- flaws and all- and choosing again and again to both forgive and to encourage them to keep trying every time they make a mistake. It's seeing the best in them even when they can't see it themselves. Love is compassion. Love is empowerment. Love is always seeking to focus on one another's strengths while inspiring one another to improve as well.

You won't always put in 100%. You'll take turns being one another's strength. 
I tend to read cliches about how marriages aren't 50-50; they're 100-100, because you should always be giving your all. While I agree with this sentiment, that is simply not realistic. Throughout seasons of our marriage, there have been times when I know I'm not at my best. Those times when anxiety gets the best of me and I can't think clearly, or when I'm so depressed I can't get myself out of bed, Brandon is putting forth more than his fair share of effort. When he is so exhausted from work that I bring him dinner without him asking or I make sure that he finds a way to take a break even when he doesn't want to, I am taking on a bigger share of burden. Marriage isn't always fair. It's supporting one another and carrying more than your share of the hardship when your partner isn't able to. You take turns taking care of each other during the tough times. There will be times you need to be selfless in order to care for one another. As long as that is consistently reciprocated, it can be a very nurturing aspect of your relationship.

Prioritize time together. Share hobbies you both enjoy.
Make sure that you set aside time to be together without interruptions. Date nights (even if it's just relaxing enjoying take-out at home together!) help to remind you of how important you are to each other. Brandon and I are blessed that we share so many interests and hobbies together. But when we first met each other, that number of shared interests was much smaller than it is today. As we've grown closer, we've begun to share more past-times together, and as a result, we've discovered more ways to spend time together. For example, when I first met Brandon, he was terrified to dance even at weddings. Now he choreographs and leads Zumba songs with me! While we both enjoyed hiking before we met each other, exploring trails and parks together has helped us to discover that we love the mountains and photography (especially taking photos of our adorable stuffed bread. ;)). Brandon was a noob (lolz) when he first tried tennis, and now he serves up aces! He has always been crafty and artistic deep down, but he never fully discovered his talents before making Halloween costumes together or surprising me with creative anniversary gifts. Or take me! I liked video games alright when I first met Brandon, but now I can make him feel like a fool because of how skilled I am in Uncharted. ;) Sharing hobbies like being active, exploring, video games, puzzles, books, movies, etc. allow us to grow closer together while finding new interests we share too.

Keep pushing one another to grow and to try new things.
On that note, don't become complacent or get stuck feeling like things have to be a certain way. If your husband wants to quit his job and start a business with his old boss, (and if you're financially able to take the risk!) encourage him. If your wife wants to share a hobby with you (like Zumba) that you're not confident about, give it a shot anyway. You may end up being the best dancer in the class! ;) There are always going to be terrifying times, because that's life. But knowing that your spouse is there supporting you will make all the difference. Take risks. Empower one another when you're feeling terrified. Feel the fear and do it anyway- especially if you're by each other's side.

Respect each other- both the differences and the shortcomings.
Marriage is not just a buffet line where you pick what you love about someone and then just discard all their flaws. This is one I struggle with, because sometimes I feel unlovable. I don't always see how I can be loved regardless of my weaknesses. But the truth is, we're all complex individuals. To say that I'm an anxious person would disregard how I can also be incredibly calm under pressure when someone needs me. To reduce Brandon to an irritable grump when he's tired would fail to take into account how patient and playful he can be when he is rested. We all have conflicting facets of our personalities. As long as we're working to improve the negative parts of ourselves, we should focus on our strengths.
It can be challenging when you don't see eye to eye with someone you're close to. But I've come to realize that if it's something big, most likely Brandon and I will (at least eventually!) see eye to eye. Why? Because we're both interested in fully understanding one another's perspectives. Because if something is very important to me, I know Brandon will work incredibly hard to see why. And the same goes for me wanting to understand his point of view as well! 

Don't expect that your spouse is going to change.
Many divorces result from someone expecting that their partner is going to change in some fundamental way and then growing resentful when they don't. Maybe they hoped that their spouse would change their mind about having kids, or where to live, or their political beliefs. But the truth is, you can't expect that someone is going to change just because you've said your marriage vows. Thankfully, change and growth is a part of a healthy marriage. Don't get me wrong- I'm not saying we shouldn't encourage our spouses to keep bettering themselves. We should constantly strive to keep growing together. But when you expect someone to change in a fundamental way without previously communicating about it, that's unfair and toxic.

Learn how to resolve conflicts.
Conflict is a natural part of any close relationship. You're going to disagree and even just get on each other's nerves for no apparent reason. ("We're both a little tired..." :-P) It's not important that you don't fight; it's important that you fight fairly. I'll be the first to admit I struggle with shutting down or feeling attacked during an argument. But in order to work through a conflict, you need to be present and stay on track. Stay focused about your topic without bringing up additional hurts or past resentment. Listen with an open mind and take responsibility for hurting your partner. Don't assume the worst or feel discouraged. And if you need some time to cool off, more power to you for recognizing that. Walking away for a  while doesn't mean that you're giving up. Just make sure you come back when you're ready. Because I promise you, if you're in a healthy relationship, you will work through it.

The little things can become the big things.
Take time to notice the small things. A little note, a spontaneous hug or kiss, a mid-day meme (Wholesome is the best! :-P) that made you think of them, trips to get frozen custard for no special reason, embarrassing stories that turn into inside jokes. Brandon and I have a tradition where we write down the little fun things throughout the year and keep them in a memory jar. At the start of the new year, we read them all together and look back on the good times. It's amazing seeing how many of those little things actually led to something greater- or at the very least- how many moments we still reference and find significant.

Share your gratitude for one another.
So much psychological research shows that expressing gratitude profoundly impacts our lives. We're not only happier when we prioritize gratitude, but we're also mentally healthier. The idea is that once we start looking for things to be thankful for, we rewire our minds to continue focusing on those positive aspects of life. Expressing thankfulness for our spouses not only strengthens feelings of closeness, but it also helps us grow as individuals. It's also affirming seeing what someone finds special about you! So many of the silly little things I do seem to mean more to Brandon than I expect. Let your partner know what you admire and love about them. It matters- believe me!

Agree on finances.
Money is one of the leading causes of divorce. Unfortunately, there's a lot of research suggesting that many couples are either dishonest when it comes to their spending, or they have very incompatible views when it comes to how money should be spent. With Brandon and me, we are typically very much on the same page when it comes to how we spend our money. But we are also honest with one another, and we even *gasp!* communicate about what we want to buy if we're making a big purchase. We typically agree on whether or not we should use our savings for a vacation, a new video game, or what have you. But when we don't agree, we talk about it. We view it as our money, and as a shared decision. This mindset seems to help instead of arguing over who deserves to buy what. Admittedly, we are very blessed that we feel comfortable financially, but we also budget and prioritize saving together. Without having compatible views on finances or at least the ability to respect what your partner wants to prioritize, money can be a sore subject for many couples.

Allow yourself to learn from other couples, but remember that your relationship is unique.
It can be inspiring to be around couples who have been together for ages or who seem to be genuinely happy. It's awesome to learn from them or to want to know what their secret to happiness is. But the truth is, what works for one couple might not work for another. And assuming that another couple has it all figured out is not true either. Comparisons only lead to hurt- especially when you're most likely never seeing the down points or challenges of their relationship. Keep in mind that all couples struggle at times, and there is no "one size fits all" secret to success.

Laugh together. Embrace your weirdness!
Don't always take your relationship too seriously. Admittedly, Brandon and I are big dorks and will always be kids at heart. But don't be afraid to be goofy or to be a little ridiculous at times. Don't be ashamed of your goofy baby voice or of still cuddling with stuffed breads. ;) Sometimes I've felt judged or ashamed for being too child-like at times. But life is too short to not find the humor in it or to enjoy the playful moments.

Look forward to the future together.
Set goals. Make bucket lists. Keep travel ideas. Know that you're in this together forever, and realize what a gift that is. Yes, happy relationships require more work than we can imagine at times. But I promise that there is nothing more worthwhile.

Happy 5th anniversary, my Always. :) 

On Our 9th Cuterversary

Nine years have flown by, and I still can’t imagine what life would be like if I hadn't got up the courage to go share a pizza with you. Thanks for being such an incredible partner for another year. Happy 9th Cuterversary!

P.S. I realize I thought of most of this in the middle of the night, but as I was writing it out, I began to see how truly deep my main character complex runs. I tried to keep it in check for you.

You’re the Potts to my Stark.

I’m the Michael to your Fi.

You’re my Light in the Dark.

You’re the very best part of me.

I’m the Zelda to your Link.

You’re the Grinch to my Cindy Lou.

You always pull me back from the brink.

There Ain't No Place Like You.

You’re the Elena to my Drake.

You’re the Wyatt to my Knope.

I love the adventures we take.

You'll always be my hope.

You’re the Mario to my Peach.

I’m the Chuck to your Sara.

Together there’s nothing out of reach.

We’ll love each other in every era.

I’m the Thea to your Roy. (You have been known to do unnecessary somersaults…)

I’m the Kass to your Steve.

I’m the Nolan to your Troy.

Can’t wait to watch them play Among Thieves!

I’m the Jillian to your Shelly.

I’m the Sal to your Q.

You’re the peanut butter to my jelly.

There is no line when it comes to you! (As it is written on the doorways to paradise! )

I’m the Alpha to your Beta.

You’re the Topanga to my Cory.

I can always count on you for data.

Can’t wait to see where God takes our story.

You’re the Donald to my Daisy.

I’m the Jasmine to your Aladdin.

Thanks for being there when I feel crazy.

And for encouraging my writer within! (I wish I could have asked you for help with a rhyme for Aladdin. It seemed appropriate to not rhyme on the line about writing poetry. )

I’m the Leela to your Fry.

You’re the Sally to my Jack.

In a World Like This, you’re my favorite guy.

I’ll always love you To the Moon and Back.

30 Lessons I've Learned by 30

I've been slowly writing this for practically months now. After losing a huge chunk of my ideas, I was frustrated and felt like giving up. It's easy for me to get discouraged and tell myself lies- for instance, that I don't have anything worth writing. But I keep reminding myself that we all have valid thoughts and experiences. The more we share, the easier it becomes to combat the lies we tell ourselves. Besides, I am trying to work on being more vulnerable, which you'll see if you continue reading this post. ;) 

In no particular order, here are some of the lessons I've had on my mind lately as I turn 30. Some of them may be more crucial than others, and many of them aren't ground-breaking. But sometimes very simple truths are also powerful ones.  I'd love to hear if any resonate with you or if you have others in mind that I haven't included! 

Vulnerability can be terrifying. It is also essential for deep connections. 

It's tough admitting when we need help or when life isn't picture-perfect. But unless we are vulnerable and honest with others, it's impossible to make a genuine connection. If vulnerability is the root of empathy, we simply can't connect with someone unless we are able to open ourselves up. Some of my best relationships were strengthened or even solidified based on some of life's toughest moments. Unless we take a risk and show ourselves honestly, we may lose out on fostering deep, important connections. "Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” - Brene Brown

Comparison is a thief of joy. 

Our culture obsesses over comparing our experiences either on social media or in the endless competition to see who has it worse. But we all have different life experiences, strengths, circumstances, and  goals.These impact our choices that lead us to where we are right now. We are all on different paths and we reach different milestones at different times as a result.  With that said, does it even really make sense to compare our journey to someone else's?  I challenge us to instead, admire those unique talents and accomplishments of those around us. Allow them to inspire us and to empower us to make changes where we want to make changes. When we are able to share someone's happiness, we are no longer so envious.

Love is an action. It is a choice. 
I wrote an entire blog post about this in the past, because I feel so passionately about it. Love is not simply some blind action that you do out of obligation or some uncontrollable feeling that you fall into. Love is commitment, respect, and unconditional support. It's choosing to put someone first above yourself. It's sharing, honesty, openness, and lots of vulnerable communication. It's seeing someone entirely- flaws and all- and choosing again and again to both forgive and to encourage them to keep trying every time they make a mistake. It's seeing the best in them even when they can't see it themselves. Love is compassion. Love is empowerment. Love is honestly what makes life worth living. 

You have more power than you think.

With almost every decision you make, you have a choice. You can make all the excuses you want, but ultimately, you decide what you want to prioritize. You decide how you spend your time, what media you consume, and the people you surround yourself with. It may not always feel like it, but you control your thoughts and your actions. You can choose to make positive changes to improve your life.

Be present. 

In a busy culture obsessed with technology, it's easy to be distracted. As tempting as it may be to think that you can multi-task, the truth is, you can't. (Psychologists have proven this time and time again!) I end up feeling awfully torn and irritable when I attempt to divide my attention among multiple tasks that require my attention. I've learned that it's always better to genuinely focus on one task at a time- especially when it's clear which thing you should prioritize. 

The little things matter. 

Words, hugs, and gestures. A supportive text, the right song at the right time, a simple opportunity to spend time with loved ones. Sometimes I feel paralyzed by the idea that something just doesn't matter in the grand scheme thing of things. But often when I look back, I realize that the little things add up to impact a friendship, a mindset or a goal. When I'm feeling like I can't do enough, I remind myself that just because you can't do everything, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't do something. You have to start somewhere. Sic Parvis Magna, after all. ;) 

You can't help someone until they're ready to accept your help.  

I can't count how many times I've felt powerless when someone asks for advice, yet refuses to follow what they acknowledge is a good idea. It can be heart-breaking watching loved ones continue to make self-destructive choices while you stand on the sidelines attempting to help cheer them back onto a better path. Regardless of our good intentions, the simple truth is, we can't make choices for others. We can merely do our best to be supportive, to listen, and to be honest when they ask for our feedback. Which leads me to...

You can't make a change until you're ready. 
Something needs to click in order for you to make an enduring change. No amount of support or resources can force you to do something you don't want to do. You have to personally want a change badly enough to take steps towards it. Without that honesty about your motivations and priorities, you're not going to get far.

You can't help yourself until you're ready. 

"You are not your job; you're not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet... "               This is one I still struggle with. I still find myself feeling foolish for not using my Master's degree or for worrying about finances. But when it comes down to it, we are so much more than a job title or a paycheck. We are all complex individuals worthy of love regardless of how we are employed or how much we have in a savings account.

Give your all no matter where you are. 

We may not always find ourselves where we want to be. It still matters to be and to do your best. Take pride in everything you do, and suddenly even menial tasks are more significant. There are seasons to life, and regardless of how we may be impatient to begin a new chapter, life is more fulfilling when we care about doing our best in all circumstances. 

Don't be afraid to spend money on experiences or generosity. 

On a similar note, we are so much more than our material possessions. Some of the richest people have very little of value, and some of the poorest in the world are measured as being the happiest. Yet, we still feel compelled to have the newest and greatest when it comes to many material things. For decades, psychological research has continued to show us that at a certain point, having more money does not correlate with increased levels of happiness.  In my experience, buying that new throw pillow or cute top only provides a fleeting happiness. It is nothing compared to the joy of experiencing something new or of giving to others. Spending money on travel, experiences, and generosity all yield way more happiness than shopping. 

Helping others and volunteering is good for the soul. 

Spend time helping others around you. It can be something as simple as seeing a friend or a neighbor in need and taking time to be there for them. Or it can be making a commitment to an organization that gives back to your community. Being a mentor with Big Brothers Big Sisters has changed my life in so many ways. The perspective I've gained and what I've learned from my Little Brother have been eye-opening. Helping someone in need not only makes a difference, but it also changes you for the better. 

Show gratitude every day. 

Struggling with depression at times, this one can be challenging for me. But I've often found that being thankful can snowball. Finding one positive aspect of life often leads to noticing others. Shifting your mindset to recognizing your blessings can be a game-changer to slowly pull yourself away from a depressed episode. 

Friendships change. And that's normal.  

Time changes things. So does distance, busy schedules, new families, etc. Relationships start to look different as time goes on, but the best relationships will still remain in tact as long as you both prioritize each other. On the flip-side, if you feel like you're pulling teeth to plan a get-together with a friend, or if you feel drained after spending time with them, maybe you need to reevaluate how you're prioritizing your time. It can be painful to consider, but pulling back a bit can often allow you to devote more time to more fulfilling relationships. 

Try not to take things personally. 

At times I've felt personally attacked by how I felt  neglected or taken advantage of by others, but I have come to realize that their hurtful behavior is not a reflection on me. As Don Miguel Ruiz outlines in his "The Four Agreements:"  "Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." It is so challenging to remember in the moment, but everyone is carrying their own baggage. There is almost always more to the story than others share with us. We can't always understand the actions of others, but we certainly don't have to take responsibility for them.

“Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be; embrace who you are.”  

It's easy to obsess over how others view us and whether or not the world is going to accept our decisions. Working as a nanny, I still feel others' judgment and worry about others looking down on me for not being employed in the field of my Master's degree. However, if I am genuinely happy and know that I am making a difference with my chosen profession, it doesn't ultimately matter. Have a hobby that's not considered "cool?" My dad still doesn't understand how I developed a love for Zumba dance, video games, spy shows or superheroes. Who cares as long as these hobbies bring you joy? The bottom line is that you are the only one living your life. Lean into it. 

Forgive. Meet people where they are. 

This is a tough one for me. I struggle balancing the idea that I want to bring out the best in others and that I want to accept others fully for who they are. Most often, we need to move on from the past harm, accept that it happened, and acknowledge that there is a lot outside of our control. At a certain point, we need to let go. We can continue loving and encouraging people regardless of how they've harmed us. Ultimately, holding on to past pain hurts you way more than it hurts them.

Surround yourself with people who challenge and uplift you. 

It's wonderful to have a big heart and to care about lots of people in your life. But we also need to recognize who consistently empowers us to keep pushing ourselves and who leaves us feeling inspired to become better versions of ourselves. Spending more time with these people can be life-giving!

It's important to say "no" sometimes. 

This is a big one for me, and for a lot of my female friends especially. It's important to acknowledge that you can't do everything. You can't be everywhere at the same time. It's essential  to prioritize what's most important in your life and to acknowledge that just because you say "no" sometimes, that doesn't reflect negatively on you. Those who genuinely care will always understand if we are honest when we're being spread too thinly. It's easy for me to still feel guilty because I do care so much, and I don't want to let anyone down. But I've come to realize that if I don't say "no" and take care of myself when I need to, I often end up attempting to pour from an empty cup. And that's not helpful for anyone in the long run!

Stop rushing. 
This is one of my biggest triggers of anxiety. I fear that I need to complete tasks at an unachievable speed or that if I'm five minutes late, I'll be inconsiderate to others. If you're not a type A personality like me, more power to you! How I envy being so easy-going that you aren't concerned about the little things! For me, rushing is typically caused because of worrying about some future event; it's not about being in the present moment and focusing on what's at hand. Taking a moment to regain perspective and to slow down can be so incredibly helpful to regaining peace! Besides, everyone understands if you're running behind on occasion. ;) 

Prioritize self-care. 

This looks slightly different for everyone. But in general, pursuing relationships and activities that nurture your soul is essential to upholding your mental health. This may fluctuate depending on what's going on in your life. Sometimes I know a long chat or walk with Brandon is just what I need, and other times I need alone time to get pumped with a challenging workout or video game. For most of us, I think we typically know what we need even if we're afraid to ask for it sometimes. Listening to yourself and truly taking care of yourself go hand in hand. 

Eat. Sleep. Move. 

Self-care is pretty consistently finding time to be active, getting enough sleep, and eating healthy. (As much as it pains me to admit, fast food isn't going to make me feel good in the long run. ;)) It's so easy to neglect at least one of these areas when you're feeling stressed, but it's amazing what a difference balancing them all can make in terms of upholding our mental health and overall happiness. I've challenged myself to be aware of these three areas when I'm feeling down. And almost always I can point to at least one of them that I'm neglecting when I notice I'm not doing so well. 

Find an exercise that challenges you and inspires you. 

I can't emphasis enough how working out has improved my life. Besides helping to keep anxious and depression thoughts in check,  it has given me goals, a sense of self-pride, and empowerment. It reminds me that even when I feel like I can't, I can. Exercising with someone is even better through sharing an activity, support, and motivation. Zumba, bike-riding, hiking, tennis, and weight-lifting are some of my favorite hobbies, and I'm so glad that exercise typically doesn't feel like a chore to me. I hope everyone can find a way to stay active that they enjoy!

Join a church or a community where you feel connected. 

For years I didn't feel like I clicked well with my church. Don't go through the motions if it's not a good fit for you. When we joined St. Helen's, I felt a connection and pull to get more involved. I've been singing with the church choir for years now, and I'm very grateful for the amazing community there. 

We're way harder on ourselves than others typically are. 
It's true- we're our own worst enemies. It's amazing how insecure many of us are, while most others don't even notice our "huge flaws." We are constantly critiquing ourselves and feeling like we're under a microscope. But guess what? Everyone else is too busy feeling insecure or unsure about themselves to be nearly as critical as we are about ourselves. Studies show that there is a "spotlight effect" where we think others are far more critical and attentive to our flaws than they are in reality.

P.S. Perfection doesn't exist  
Believe me, I've tried again and again to reach some unobtainable measure of perfection, and ironically, it makes me fail every time. Striving towards growth is terrific. Wanting to do your best is not perfectionism. Perfectionism is just a manifestation of anxiety. It's a voice telling us that if we appear to have it together, others won't notice the flaws that we're hiding. But honestly, imperfection is beautiful.  It is authentic. As the brave Brene Brown says,  “Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.” (Also for Bran: "Perfect sucks. Perfect's boring!" -Jillian Michaels) 

Never lose your inner child. 
Working with kids is one of my passions. I am inspired by their kindness, their vulnerability, and their sense of wonder. Kids love hard, they say what they're thinking, and they're not afraid to ask for help. They don't hesitate to include others just because they look or talk differently. Most importantly, they aren't afraid to have fun and to continue learning. So many people I know are terrified of admitting that they need help or that they don't understand something. And so many others don't remember how to have fun because they take life so seriously. When it comes down to it, we can all benefit from enjoying life's little joys and loving a little more openly!

Don't be ashamed to admit you don't know or you need help. 
"Somehow we’ve come to equate success with not needing anyone. Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand, but we’re very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves. It’s as if we’ve divided the world into “those who offer help” and “those who need help.” The truth is that we are both.” -Brene Brown. We all need help with some area of our lives. When we stop shaming ourselves and others for this very fundamental part of our humanity, we'll enable ourselves to grow. I understand now more than ever that we need people who care in our lives. Without others, life isn't worth living.


Feel the fear. And do it anyway.  
Most of my best memories and biggest blessings have resulted from taking risks. Most valuable things in life require courage and taking a leap into the unknown. I'm the first to admit that I'm scared... a lot. I'm anxious about my health or the future, or wondering if I should have tried to get to sleep earlier or if I should have worded that text differently. My thoughts have a tendency to spiral and to lead me to question myself and to worry about almost anything. But the truth is, working through your fears and facing them even when you're terrified is the only way you can ever make progress. Oftentimes it's the only way you can make the first steps towards becoming happier.

Things have a tendency of working out better than we expect.  
And finally, I see the pattern of how even when I can't imagine overcoming something or getting through a tough event, I end up being ok in the end. Through heartbreaks, disappointments, anxious and depressed spirals, we overcome. As cliche as it sounds, we are stronger and braver than we often think we are. We are capable of so much more than we recognize, and even when we're feeling incredibly defeated, we stand back up again. We face the world a little wiser and stronger the next time. 

Video Games, Anxiety & Depression

While I recognize that video games have a complicated reputation for often being too violent, immoral, and encouraging of an isolated culture, more research supports the notion that video games can actually be helpful for our mental health and socialization. They can provide us the opportunity to relax, to encourage helpful socialization, and to develop our minds (See links below). Of course, it is important to note that there are many types of games and an even larger amount of mental health differences in people as individuals. I am not attempting to say that I think all video games are so wonderful that they should be played regardless of age, mental state, game subject content, etc. Like so many things, it is a complicated issue, and many factors impact how positively games may impact an individual. I am merely speaking from personal experience. 

Honestly, how many of us can say that we couldn't use a little more time to fully immerse ourselves in something outside of all our worries and negativity? For me, it is extremely rare that I am able to totally focus my attention away from life's many obligations.  With my anxious and depressed thoughts, I typically find myself struggling to cancel out the background track of worries and despairs that is constantly playing in the foreground of my mind. At times it feels impossible to forget about all the fears and obligations swirling around in my thoughts. But when the story in a game is engaging, I can often find myself more focused outside of myself than I am able to be with other hobbies. For the while I am playing, I am capable of fully engaging in something else so that I can actually recharge. That break is sorely needed at times, and I am thankful that I am able to unplug for a while. 

Besides improving my memory, spacial perception, and problem-solving skills (See links below), video games often provide me with the opportunity to tackle my fears of pressure. Similar to many others who battle depression or anxiety, I recognize that I put way too much pressure on myself. I tend to freeze up under time constraints or when I am not sure how to solve a problem. I am so terrified of making the wrong decision that I often become crippled by fears. Many games encourage me to let go of some of that pressure, since it is only a game after all. In that setting, I am reminded that I don't need to take everything so seriously or to be paralyzed by an unreachable desire for perfection.

Seeing progress is also very satisfying. I often fear I am stagnant in many areas of my life. Actually being able to track progress in a game is something we can not do with numerous aspects of the real world. It is often uplifting to me to see how far I have come in many games... and to remind myself of how that truth translates into my life as well. 

On a related note, games help me to feel more connected with those around me. Being able to play with a friend or even to just discuss it with someone is a great way to bond. It becomes a shared experience, whether you connect with an online community or with someone in person. Games with stories often present morals and plot lines that can be discussed. Similar to movies, this type of media allows us the chance to reflect on how the world around us relates to the presented moral. 

With the right games, I find myself feeling more hopeful. Splashes of history intrigue me to learn more about the past. I feel adventurous and am reminded of how there is so much to explore and experience in this world. Various game settings inspire me to travel and to learn more about the world's vast array of cultures. Knowing that there is so much left to experience allows me to feel hope when I am having a dark day. 

Most significantly, my favorite video games provide me with a sense of empowerment. I can't tell you how many times I have felt utterly hopeless (and may have accidentally thrown the controller) during frustrating points. I have considered quitting certain games because I didn't know what else to do besides gives up. Consequently, there have been many times I have asked Brandon for guidance or recognized that I needed a break so that I could allow the frustration to dissipate. But I have always persevered. 

One of my biggest struggles is with negative self-talk. Typically for most of my life's biggest issues, I find myself telling myself that I can't do something or that I'll never be able to overcome what lies before me. More often than I care to admit, I end up giving up before I have fully given myself a real chance of success. I often don't believe that I'm capable of something until I prove the anxious thoughts wrong.  That feeling when I finally conquer what feels insurmountable is pure pride.  Challenges push us to do what we don't think is possible. For me, sometimes video games remind me that when I don't give up, I can overcome more than I think I can. 

Further Reading:

http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2013/11/video-games.aspx

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freedom-learn/201502/cognitive-benefits-playing-video-games

https://my.vanderbilt.edu/developmentalpsychologyblog/2014/04/effect-of-video-games-on-child-development/

A Valentine's Day Reflection

You matter. You impact someone's life. Don't let your mind tell your otherwise.

Lately I find myself feeling depressed and more than a little hopeless at times. I know some of my friends don't get it, because I often seem very positive and happy. And I try to be! But I also struggle with feelings of doubt. This time of year will do that to me. It's not uncommon to question my purpose here or to feel like my attempts to make a difference don't add up to much.

But the past couple days I've been reminded that the little things matter. Caring matters. Compassion matters. Listening matters. Generosity matters. Reaching out or inviting someone matters. Honesty and making that vulnerable Facebook post matters. As cheesy as it sounds, we touch each others' lives in way we don't even recognize sometimes. Just because we don't always see the results right away, that doesn't mean that we aren't making a difference. Especially mentoring with our Little Brother lately, I've been opening my eyes to see how the little things add up to mean a lot more than I expect they would.

We all have days when we feel alone and helpless, but we should not stay discouraged for long. We are all here for our own unique purpose. We all have talents and parts of ourselves that we should share. Because no one else can be you. Because no one else will fill your void. Because it matters.

So call that person you're missing. Send that text you've been wanting to send. Be kind. Be emphatic. Show you care in ways that feel genuine to you. What better day to make an effort than Valentine's Day? ;)

And for what it's worth, I am always here if you need a friend or honestly just want someone to talk to. Life is too short to not genuinely connect with the awesome people in our lives. Happy Valentine's Day. <3

Creativity and a Goodbye to my Cobalt

I've recently been thinking about how sometimes setting restrictions for projects can actually create more opportunities to be creative. It sounds counter-intuitive, but limitations can actually bring out interesting brainstorms and problem-solving. For instance, attempting to write a Shakespearean sonnet may involve more rules, but it also encourages us to be clever with our words in order to fit a specific pattern. It is a different kind of creativity than a free-form poem, no doubt, but which is more impressive? I can see arguments both ways, and quite honestly, I tend to admire the talent that it takes for both. 

As I keep admitting, I tend to put way too much pressure on myself to fit certain molds. Originally, I wanted to have a cohesive blog theme, where I followed some sort of organized agenda for what I wanted to write every month. But I quickly recognized that I wasn't excited about writing when I felt like I was forcing a topic or like I had a strict deadline for completing what I wanted to write. I enjoy writing vulnerable pieces that encourage others to not feel alone. I enjoy trying to provoke a dialogue or to get others to consider a new thought. 

But I also don't want to restrict myself from pursuing ideas that may not be as deep as others. Sometimes we don't have a lot of time to devote to huge, serious projects. Sometimes creativity can be kindled in small, every-day choices that honestly don't need to turn into big projects. That doesn't mean that they can't be fun or still stretch our minds. Perhaps if we listen, we know what type of project best suits us at any given time. 

Working with kids, I've often been impressed by how creative young minds can be, especially when they are in their early elementary years. They are so uninhibited by pressure, time restraints, or how ridiculous an idea sounds, that they are not hindered by wondering if something is worthwhile to think about. They brainstorm freely and openly, and with no shame. Regardless of what many people think of me, I often think I'd be better off if my mind were more open like a child's! 

With that said, what better way to start the new year than with a playful poem to memorialize my first and only car I've ever driven? :-P 

To My Cobalt

You were my freedom when I wanted to get away

Now you're 11 years old and there's so much to say! 

Long commutes to school were certainly not the best

But thankfully your reliability always passed the test! 

So many times squished in a car filled with at least four or five

But it was worth it for how drives helped friendships to thrive!

So many memories of heart-to-hearts on road trips with friends

Even that one drive from Cedar Point when a bird's life I did end!

Singing along to the radio with windows down

Sometimes driving nowhere in particular, around and around

Stains from spills- some made by the kids that I care for

All the good memories that make my heart sore

Cuddling in the backseat at the end of a Backstreet Boys show, 

 Where I held Brandon's hand and our relationship began to grow.
Even the broken glove compartment for someone to repair
Helped me to see he was someone beyond compare!

Now that your "check engine" light is finally alight, 

I fear that it is almost time to bid you goodnight. 

I'll always remember the adventures and how you made me feel free

You'll never be replaced in my heart- even if we're getting a CR-V 

2017 Reflections

​Reading others' New Years posts has me feeling reflective too. This year I've been learning more to face my fears and to not be so caught up obsessing over what others think of me. I'm tired of letting anxiety hold me back from trying new things or being open with others. I've been proud of myself for the strides I've made to put aside my fear of failure and my insatiable drive for perfection. It's still a battle, but slow progress is enduring progress.

It's amazing how many times I've been terrified of social situations this year, only to recognize after the fact that I was ok just being present and being myself. Occasionally I've connected with others and been shocked to learn that they've been just as anxious as I've been. No matter how confident or "together" someone's life may seem, we are all fighting our own battles. Making assumptions about others only allows us to put up walls and to potentially miss out on knowing someone. To compare our lives to others' is pointless, because we are never going to fully understand someone else's experiences.

I've preached the fact that we're all unique and have our own strengths that make us lovable exactly how we are. I'm slowly learning to not be so hard on myself and to remember that all I can do is be me. If others don't click with who I am, that's their loss. I may not be the best at something, but that doesn't mean that it's not worthwhile for me to pursue something or to share my thoughts. There is value in not being perfect and in still being honest with others. Easier said than done to keep that in mind, of course, but I'm going to keep working on that.

Most importantly, in the midst of not feeling like I'm where I thought I'd be with my career, starting a family, or personal achievements, I recognize that I am still pushing myself. We can't control everything life throws out way, and there is always going to be a struggle to overcome those challenges. At the start of this year, I didn't think that Brandon would be laid off again, that my Nonna and cousin would pass away, that I'd get a new job only to lose it weeks later, or that I'd need to see a foot specialist because I was in so much pain just to walk.

But I also didn't think that I'd accomplish so much with my own personal fitness goals, become so involved in Big Brothers Big Sisters, blog as much as I have, finally finish our home remodeling project, feel like more of a leader in our choir, grow closer with some of the people in my life, or lead a Zumba class song. Life is not perfect. But sometimes opportunities happen when you don't expect them to, and it's amazing to see what happens when you're willing to take a chance. Growth happens when you surround yourself with those who love you for who you are and who continue to inspire you to not give up on yourself.

Ultimately, what's been solidified in my mind this year is that what matters more than anyone's perspective of you, your job, or what's in your bank account, is how you prioritize your time and the people you spend your time with. As cheesy as it sounds, isn't that what life's all about?


Here's to making 2018 another year of growth, openness, believing in ourselves, and prioritizing what truly matters. :)​

In Defense of Halloween

Growing up, I always had an attachment to Halloween. In general, the fall season was often met with great anticipation. I couldn't wait for the costumes, the parties, the story-telling, and the atmosphere of magic in the air. I admit, even when I was probably considered too old to be trick-or-treating, my friends and I still spent hours perfecting our costumes. Then we made our way around the neighborhood, politely asking for candy and laughing about how we were never going to grow up--- at least not completely ;)

Although some of that spark of excitement has naturally dwindled in me now, I still find myself feeling a child-like joy when Halloween approaches. And honestly, is that a negative thing? Too many adults are so caught up in the mundane obligations of every day life or in how others perceive us that we forget what it's like to have fun. We forget what it's like to be fully immersed in a creative experience. We find ourselves so caught up in fitting a mold that we think we're expected to fit, that Halloween becomes one socially acceptable way to break out of that norm. We can step outside ourselves and stop worrying so much about what others think when we're able to become pretty much whoever we want to be.

For me, Halloween has always been a chance to explore creatively and to occasionally practice my acting skills. ;) Carving pumpkins, creating decorations, and planning parties are all fun opportunities that I don't get throughout the year. It can be an adventure all its own learning how to make something for a costume or discovering an interesting way to complete your costume. It can require patience to keep searching for the right ideas or the items you need, but it's always a great feeling when you complete that perfect item that you've been searching for.

Plus, once you've completed a costume you're proud of, it's honestly a blast imagining yourself behaving like that character you're dressed as. I recognize that maybe my friends and I are "abnormal," but we have a lot of fun playing games where we're able to step outside ourselves and imagine life from a different perspective. Psych research shows that those who regularly read, play imaginative games, or act are actually able to better empathize and to consider others' different life circumstances. When we allow ourselves to explore and imagine, we unlock a part of our minds that I fear is often underutilized.

Halloween also presents a unique opportunity to ponder the unknown. Personally, I don't believe in ghosts, monsters, or goblins. But I am still a fan of the mystery and the unexplained when it comes to many "scary stories." I enjoy hearing stories that make me question and consider how these legends might relate to real life. Additionally, Halloween often presents many stories of bravery and overcoming darkness. The sense of adventure and magic is always abundant. All of this can often contribute to many stories' sense of awe and wonder.

On that note, kids' excitement is contagious around this time of year! Working with kids for many, many years, I see how Halloween has a magic about it. And I know what you're thinking... But it's not just about the candy. ;) Take all the candy and special treats out of the equation, and the kids are still buzzing with excitement about all the fun stories filled with magic, the extra time they get to spend with their friends, and the idea of acting like whoever they're dressing up as. Perhaps for kids, a costume choice is even more significant, because they tend to choose to dress up as someone they truly admire. To be able to embody that person (or dragon. :-P) often brings them a sense of pride and empowerment. (Never mind the fact that little Max wants to be Darth Vader this year... Maybe I'll write a post about our weird glorification of villains another time. ;))

Most importantly, Halloween has always been a chance to connect with my friends, family, and neighbors. Halloween is probably the one night of a year when some neighbors really connect with one another, because many people do not socialize much outside. When it comes to our neighborhood, it is a great way to talk with new neighbors and spread joy.

Not trying to denounce Thanksgiving or Christmas by any means, but the remainder of the year often becomes obsessed with creating the perfect meal, finding the perfect holiday gifts, perfecting fancy decorations, etc. We get so caught up in all the rushing around and planning that we tend to miss out on quality time with those around us. Because fall and Halloween are typically more low-key, it is often a much less stressful time of year for me... Yet it is still filled with so many unique and fun opportunities to spend time with those I care about.

As the wise Shawn Hunter once said, "Gotta love Halloween. It really brings people together."

Success

As my 10 year high school reunion approaches, I've been thinking more about success. Our culture would like us to think that we are only successful if we subscribe to a cookie cutter mold of what success looks like through a very specific lens. Stereotypically, we are shown that highly successful people have a high status job, a big income, a large home, the perfect family, an exciting social life, and no troubles at all. They're typically portrayed as extroverted, very intelligent, well-loved, and physically fit. Essentially, they "have it together" in all facets of their lives. Like I've previously admitted, I still find myself struggling to find "success" when I recognize that I don't fit this mold very well. 

I'm not where I thought I'd be professionally by this point. I'm not as adventurous and brave as I wish I was. I'm not confident and effortlessly social like some of the people I admire. I'm not as wise or smart as some of the awesome people in my life. We haven't started our family yet, which I now recognize is my ultimate life's goal. There's still so much I want to do, and to some degree, I am incomplete. I recognize that while I am very blessed, I am not "successful" in the way that many others are. 

But what if we rejected this stereotype of what success "should" look like and instead examined how success might look in our own lives? If we are able to honestly examine our values and goals, it becomes a lot easier to evaluate how "successful" we are in terms of how we are spending our time and working to honor these goals. But, you see, often "success" isn't able to be seen or measured in a way that most people expect. 

For a tangible example, when it comes to my personal health goals, I am proud of myself when I'm able to lift more weight than I could previously lift. This is something I can measure, and I can be proud because I can "prove" that I am lifting more than I could lift in the past. However, what's more important than the number on my dumbbells is the way I feel after I push myself harder than I pushed myself yesterday. The way I am empowered and proud after a particularly challenging workout means so much more to me than how much weight I lifted. Often times I most feel my progress in terms of being able to master a move that I once wasn't originally able to manage. I feel my growth and progress. But to anyone else watching me, they wouldn't see all the practice and determination that got me to that point. I can't "prove" how far I've come.

Similarly, when I practice mindfulness, I can't exactly measure how mindful I am. It's not a competition, and it's not about "getting better." So I do my best to not try to be perfect with mindfulness practice. There's no way to prove that my mindfulness has an impact on me. It doesn't produce any tangible results. But I know when a meditation has helped to keep my anxiety at bay, and to me, it is successful if I am able to feel a little more in control of my thoughts that day.  

Most of my "successes" can't be flaunted. They consist of something more abstract than a flashy car or a number of friends on social media. Success is a feeling of knowing that I have worked hard for something I value or something that's important to me. Prioritizing my friends and then having a meaningful conversation with them is success. Wanting to be vulnerable and sharing my true self is success. Giving it my all at work and being present in everything I do is success. Keeping our commitments to volunteering or participating in choir even when I'm exhausted is success. Making an effort to try something new even when I'm scared is success. Being a better person is success. 

Perhaps we are successful when we are able to reach our highest level in the Hierarchy of Needs and begin to focus on self-actualization. When we are able to prioritize our best selves, we can find the greatest level of fulfillment. 

To me, success is progress. It is achieving something that I wasn't sure if I could accomplish. It is pushing myself, even when I'm doubting myself. It is fighting the demons in my mind and overcoming my fears. 

It is learning. It is growing. It is change. 

Sometimes, success is simply not giving up. It's that tiny feeling of accomplishment when I know that I'm learning how to cope a little bit better than I was coping yesterday.

It's only when I stop worrying about "checking off the boxes" of these expectations of what makes me successful that I realize I've come pretty far. Besides, I have a difficult time believing that most people who are traditionally successful are actually that happy. Life isn't perfect, and there's always going to be something to overcome. 

With all that said, as long as you're striving to keep your values, goals, and true self in sight, I'd say you're pretty successful in my book. 

If Not Now, When?

This may be another obvious reflection, but I am pushing myself to stop worrying so much about that. I am writing this primarily for my own self-processing. And besides, you never know when someone may need to be reminded of a powerful truth, simple though it may be. ;)

Sometimes when I'm making big (or often small) decisions, my anxious thoughts tend to attach themselves to an insatiable desire to find the perfect timing, or the perfect circumstances, or sometimes the perfect sign from God. And while it would be very comforting to have total confidence every time I made a decision, I am realizing more and more how this mentality can stop me from fully living.

That sounds dramatic, I realize. But how many of us are paralyzed because we are waiting on the right timing or circumstances? "I'll go back to school when I have more time." "I'll try that new hobby when I have more money or freedom." "I'll take that trip when I have my dream job."  "I'll tell him how I feel when I know he likes me." "I'll be happy with myself when I have the perfect boyfriend, job, house, etc." We're so obsessed with perfection or ideal circumstances that we continue to neglect pursuing something that would bring our lives so much joy.

We all fall into this trap at times. We're so consumed by meeting certain goals before pursuing something else that may make us happy... and then we lose sight of the fact that happiness is a journey.

We are each a work in progress, and we'll never be fully "complete" in this life. Allowing our goals to inspire us is wonderful. But we will and should always have goals. If we're waiting for some perfect end game before we take action, we will never seize opportunities that are right in front of us. We will miss out on the growth and joy that could be occurring right here and now.

In my own life, I recognize that I very frequently don't do something because it doesn't feel like the timing is ideal. I get caught up in my feelings of doubt and fear of breaking outside how I think something should be. I analyze and wonder and predict when the "best" circumstances will be. But the truth is, those obvious "best circumstances" very rarely happen. And that's because life is way messier and less predictable than my obsessive mind wishes it was. ;)

For me, it all goes back to my previous post about change and priorities. I want to stop allowing myself to be petrified by the idea of waiting for the perfect moment, especially when I'm using that was an excuse to not take chances. And even in my every day life, I want to be more bold when it comes to taking small risks, even when it comes to the little things.  If I feel like reaching out to someone but I worry it's not the best time,  (Assuming it's not the middle of the night or something) I still want to do it. If we want to go out and do something special, even if it's in the middle of the week and we don't have a lot of free time, I still want to do it. If I recognize it's not an ideal night to stay up late, but I'm having a great conversation, I want to stay up and be a little sleep-deprived.

I want to stop worrying so much about perfection and circumstances, because more often than not, I end up missing out due to fear. I don't want to miss out on how amazing life can be, because it's too short as it is.

The bottom line is that when I'm able to fully let go of my fear of waiting for the perfect moment, I  experience some of life's best blessings. And sometimes that "perfect moment" ends up happening in hindsight anyway.

Choices & Change

I realize it's been a couple months since I've attempted to write, so I figured I was long overdue to share some thoughts. It's not that I haven't been keeping a memo of ideas I'd like to explore through writing, but I guess I often get stuck on my fears of not feeling like I am going to have something worthwhile to say. When I examine that idea further, I recognize that I honestly do believe everyone has thoughts that are "worthy" of sharing. Everyone has their own unique experiences and perspectives that can be thought-provoking or at the very least amusing. (As I recently discussed with Nathan and Brandon, anyone can be a Youtube star these days!)

I admit that I feel daunted by the thought of eloquently sharing a brand new idea. I certainly recognize that I am no expert when it comes to... well, anything really... but should that discount my attempts to write out my thoughts? Sometimes writing is therapeutic in a way that speaking is not. Plus, if I am genuinely interested in others' viewpoints and in them sharing their knowledge, does it matter if I want to explore a topic that has been "done before?"  As long as I am exploring something or as long as someone else is helping me to see something from a new perspective, that feels like it's worth it in my mind. So if I am able to rationally dismiss the notion that my thoughts aren't worth sharing, what holds me back?

Fear of judgment, of course. Fear of not being a good writer or of not being able to express myself well. But again... rationally, I recognize that if I don't try, I'm never going to get better. Self-confidence has always been an area where I struggle, but I am working on that. If I allowed my fear of failure to stop me every time it tried to hold me back, I can only imagine how miserable I'd be.

So all excuses aside, I just don't make writing a priority.

It's funny how that happens, isn't it? We have the best intentions of doing something that we know will be good for us, but we just don't get around to it. To clarify, I recognize that life happens. There are many times when we do have plenty of legitimate commitments and obligations that keep us busy.

However, a good friend often reminds me that regardless of what life throws our way, ultimately we always choose how we spend our time. Yes, sometimes we need to prioritize paying bills or being there for others when they need us. But if we get so caught up in these things that we don't make time for what brings us joy, we often miss out on more of what feeds our souls.

It's challenging to say, "no." Especially for those of us who strive to prioritize others and to do as much as we can, it can feel incredibly awful to stand up for what we need. For me, I recognize that I often end up feeling exhausted and resentful when I don't make time for the things that help me recharge. And yet, my fear of letting others down often seems more powerful than my desire to take care of myself. But if I allow this thinking to take the reins, I end up losing sight of my greater purpose.

That's something I've really made strides with over the past couple years. (Thanks to Brandon and conversations with good friends, mostly.) I have learned that I can't pour from an empty cup. Yes, I want to be there for others and to go above and beyond when I can. But sometimes I have to prioritize my own self-care and to realize when I'm burning the candle at both ends. There are always going to be plenty of distractions and opportunities in our lives. How we prioritize them makes a bigger impact than we think. I have been trying to be honest with myself more lately. I want to examine whether or not how I am using my time is best for me. It's tough to remember to question this, but once I do, I tend to be able to recognize pretty quickly if what I'm doing is effecting me in a positive way or not.

So if I can see this so clearly, why do I continue to struggle with not always prioritizing what's best for me? Perhaps it's because I tend to be terrified of change. So much so, that even if I realize something will be better for me in the long run, I am petrified of taking the steps to get there. There is a comfort in the familiar, and sadly enough, so many of us get stuck experiencing the comfort of discontent and even pain at times. It sounds sick when you think about it, and it is. We become addicted to our negativity and disappointment with our choices because we've grown to expect it. And when we have low expectations, it's easier to not get hurt.

Our brains are wired to make connections and to continue making those connections until we upset the thought cycle on enough circumstances. With anxiety for instance, my mind has wired itself to think irrational and fearful thoughts in certain circumstances. The only way for me to stop the cycle is for me to continue challenging those thought patterns until my brain makes a new, healthier connection. But the process is time-consuming and admittedly exhausting.

Easy, right? ;) So there's the core issue. It takes so much energy and wisdom to continue challenging our negative thoughts and habits. It takes so much commitment and drive to make a new habit or thought reality.

But what's incredibly powerful to me is the notion that everything starts with one choice. One positive change can lead to the next. One positive thought can empower you to have the energy to make that first step.

So with that said, time to start making writing more of a priority. ;)

The Legacy of Nonna

Grief is dynamic. I remember when my psych professors told my class that there really is no logic or consistent pattern to it. Contrary to popular belief, the "Five Stages of Grief" are not so universally applied by all psychologists as they used to be in the recent past. The common belief now is that we may move through different stages at different times, sometimes alternating quickly or skipping a stage altogether. Scientists and mental health professionals would love it if we could make classifications and diagnostics that match everyone's experiences. But as with everything in life, that simplistic thinking isn't always so accurate and certainly is not always helpful. We all have our own stories and reactions because we all have our own complex ways of processing and coping.

As I listened to my mom as she wearily told me that Nonna had just passed away, I admit I was in denial. Because I was at work caring for the kids, I recognized that I would not have an opportune moment for it all to sink in for some time. So rather than begin truly processing my mom's words, I did my best to go about my day being strong for my mom, my sister, my cousin, and the kids. I didn't exactly allow myself to feel, because I didn't want to end up an emotional mess while I was watching over the kids. It was not ideal, but like so many initial reactions to losing someone you care about, it was a defense mechanism.

After work, without thinking I drove to the grocery store where I picked up lots of foods that reminded me of Nonna. Coming from a proud Italian heritage, Nonna strongly believed in sharing her love for us by hosting big family get togethers- which naturally involved lots of delicious homemade food. But even when it was just Becky and me spending the night there, Nonna would spoil us with treats and goodies. Most of them were made by scratch, but a couple sweets such as Toaster Strudels stuck out in my mind as something I could get easily. Rather than spend hours in the kitchen whipping up some intricate dishes like Nonna used to do, I opted for the strudels, bakery bread, and an Italian sub. As I mindlessly drove home, I realized that I was surprisingly comforted by the delicious homage.

As the next few days unfolded, I wanted to be supportive for my mom, because I couldn't imagine how tough it is to lose your mother. To some extent, I think I was feeling depressed, because I felt guilty that I felt sad. Whatever I was feeling, I assumed that my mom and others were feeling worse. I resented myself for feeling sad, because I wanted to be strong.  Of course, I rationally recognize now that it's completely fine to feel however I'm feeling. It's pointless and harmful to compare our experiences to one another's.  I wish I would have been thinking clearly enough to have seen that days ago.

Eventually, my anger had got the best of me. I was frustrated that I couldn't allow myself to feel. Then I found myself unmoved by my friends' and family members' messages of, "I'm so sorry for your loss," or "let me know if you need anything." Sure, these messages may have been entirely genuine, but somehow the words felt hollow to me. Many of us have lost someone we care for, but rarely have I found that we genuinely know how to comfort each other. And perhaps that's because there's very little we can actually do to support one another during such an emotional time. Regardless, I grew irritable and especially anxious. I was furious at myself for feeling so anxious and for feeling like I wasn't coping well.  I left social media, partially because it was frustrating to see how everyone else was so happy. The world was still getting along just fine, so why wasn't I? I grew weary listening to others' problems, because I felt like we had an insurmountable emotional hill in front of me. If I was able to comfort others, why couldn't they help me? In sank the depression. I was upset that my family was struggling and that the funeral was still almost a week away. It felt like there was little to do in the mean time besides wait and wallow. I wanted to be able to fully grieve, but I felt like I couldn't.

Finally, thankfully.... the visitation and the funeral brought a surprising amount of peace. I was moved to see how many of Nonna's family, family friends, and neighbors came out to pay their respects. 94 years of relationships and memories filled the room. As strangers pinched our cheeks and told us how beautiful we (Becky and me. Not Brandon and me. ;)) were, the atmosphere changed from somber to lively. The silence and sad whispers eventually melted into laughter and stories all involving the incredible woman we were there to honor. People I had never met before reminded me of just how special Nonna was to so many of us and how she would never be forgotten.

The next day brought even more joy. It was so memorable hearing the priest share Nonna's life story at the mass. He spared no detail describing how Nonna was a courageous immigrant who didn't even know English when she first moved here from Italy. Nonna's commitment to family, community, the Italian culture, tradition, and prayer has touched so many of our hearts. Perhaps most notably, she had been such a big part of encouraging our family to cherish as much time together as we can.

I'll never forget her tirelessly playing the Aladdin board game with us even when we constantly switched up the rules on her. How she'd let us sleep in her bed every time we spent the night. How she'd always let us watch whatever we wanted to watch on TV, even if she couldn't really understand why we liked those weird shows (Even Stevens... Hello!). How every Easter without fail, she would give Becky, Audrey, and me a stuffed bunny, until that one year she got us giant plastic eggs.  How she knitted my Baby Peach (Baby Peach can get her own blog post sometime. ;)) a new "outfit." Switching out the grandkids' photos (Poor Keith...) crookedly hanging on the walls. Sneaking into Mav and Dom's room as they played Legos. Laughing at the photo of "Funny Grandpa." Playing Nightmare Before Christmas and Dark Water, or whatever the heck we called the game where we turned on and off the lights and had a narrator telling a scary story. Climbing the hill in her backyard. Sneaking up after dinner to peak at our gifts in the mountain of Christmas presents.  How as kids we experienced an atmosphere of magic in in her home celebrating every holiday in general. Her love of the Little Drummer Boy and Pinocchio. Hiding our uneaten dinner under napkins and couches, and throwing it off pool decks because we didn't want to disappoint her if we hadn't eaten enough. Eating dinner in the poorly light basement that seemed to have been designed perfectly to fit almost 30 family members at all the mismatched tables that formed one huge table. Movie nights with her and Audrey at the nursing home. Watching Titanic and Padre Pio again and again.  Setting off the security alarm at the nursing home that one time... And the list goes on!

Reflecting more, I recognize that without even realizing it earlier in my life, Nonna's desire to be hospitable, giving, and family-focused has been embedded into who I am. From a young age, I witnessed her spend days upon days preparing for Christmas dinner with the family. I saw how it made her incredibly happy to make others feel especially loved on their birthdays. As she cooked our favorite dishes, we felt how much she loved us. I watched her pour her heart into crocheting the huge Christmas stockings for each new member of the family, until her hands literally didn't work any longer. Every single time I saw her in the nursing home, she'd try to send me home with some candy or a gift. Even when she didn't have much left to share, she still wanted to be generous.

So many small actions and traditions showed us how much she loved everyone in our ever-growing family. I know that her memory will always live on, and I hope that we all continue to be inspired by the giving and loving heart of the matriarch of the Lanzillotta family- the one and only Nonna.