Lately I've been thinking a lot about honesty and security with relationships. Specifically, what exactly creates a feeling of comfort around others?
For me, I always feel uneasy when I'm trying to be vulnerable with someone I want to impress or someone I'm not very close with. Maybe as a side effect of my anxiety, I tend to doubt myself and to withhold information that might make me stand out from the "norm." But sometimes I do find the courage to share something that makes me unique. For instance, when my boss and I were working on a project together, she asked me who my favorite musician was. I'm not ashamed to consider myself a big fan of the Backstreet Boys, even if their peak of popularity was close to 20 years ago and their fan base consisted of mostly intensely obsessed teenage girls. ;) But I realize a lot of people would think that's weird. Without thinking, I joked with my boss that she probably wouldn't share my musical tastes, as I admitted my love for a 90s Boy Band. My boss just laughed and suggested another music choice. Not like I expected her to like BSB anyway, though, so I wasn't shocked. ;)
No harm done, right? No use in worrying about sharing something so trivial that doesn't truly reflect who I am. But to me, my favorite music group can actually be a big part of who I am. Maybe for someone like me who feels so passionately about my interests, it can feel like someone is rejecting me on a deeper level when they judge those interests. It's an irrational thought, I know. But in this world where we seem so obsessed with shared experiences like enjoying the same shows, movies, music, etc. it's easy to feel disconnected when others can't relate to those interests.
The other night we were hosting a game night with some of our close friends. It was surprising to me to note that I was feeling incredibly calm and confident just being myself. After a long day of helping my boss one-on-one and making lots of small talk, I was exhausted from filtering my thoughts and behavior. As I was acting like a complete dork with my friends, the contrast was stark (Just for you, Bran.;-)). When I am with someone of "authority," (in this case, the person who authorizes my pay check) I tend to fear looking stupid or odd. I want to be trusted and respected and to make a good impression. We all do, right?
The fear of rejection is not uncommon. But at what point does my fear become irrational and hindering to connecting with someone? Anxious thoughts can often cloud my judgement and lead me to accept ideas that are not true. Rationally, I know that someone will not suddenly dislike me because I may be different. That doesn't change the fact that I tend to error on the side of being overly cautious with being vulnerable.
Back to that game night. It's obvious that we feel more secure when we're with others who love and respect us. When we're around those we're closest to, we're not so consumed about their perceptions of us, because we tend to assume that they are least sort of like us already. We obviously feel a level of comfort around them because we realize that we are already accepted by them. There's a bond between us, so we no longer have anything to prove.
I wish I felt that same level of comfort and confidence around strangers or around people who don't know me as well.
A thought that I've also been dwelling on--- how many of us feel this way? When you think about it, no one is "normal." We all have our quirks and oddities and flaws. It's what makes us lovable and unique. I wouldn't change any of the interesting qualities that make my husband my husband or make my friends who they are. I respect them entirely- weirdness and all- so why can't I do the same for myself?
The truth is, when you're vulnerable with someone, that's when you can genuinely connect with them. When you're able to share your true self and to no longer feel consumed by fear of looking weird, that's when you're able to grow closest to someone.
Here's to focusing more on not caring what others think and on being more comfortable with who I am. Weirdness and all. ;)
Feel free to share any advice or thoughts!
I agree that it's exhausting to play a part and behave according to the expectations of others. I think that's a major component of introversion; settings that require active work will obviously be draining!
ReplyDeleteSomething about layers and complexity.
ReplyDeleteGrowing up, it wasn't necessarily what I liked so much as what I didn't like that I realized set me apart from the "norm". Towards the end of elementary school/early middle school, a lot of people around me were really into sports, which I couldn't understand the appeal of.
As I grew up, I became more geek-ish and got really into different fiction things (Harry Potter was probably my first fandom, followed by Dune, which was way deeper than I could possibly have understood when I first read it). I didn't really feel isolated from people because of them, but maybe a little different.
But, at present, it's the "age of the geek" as Harrdison from Leverage would say. There's not really the same stigma with getting passionate about sci fi television shows or things like that.
That said, my tabletop roleplaying games are still a bit further out on the fringe, and I usually like to get to know how geeky someone is before I share that part of myself with them, even though it's a pretty major part of who I am at this point in time.
I think that it's normal for people to act differently around friends than in a professional environment (and the professional environment is even further subdivided by hierarchies and things like that. How one interacts with a peer is different than an immediate supervisor which is different from much higher management.) Some of this is professionalism. Some of it is dynamics of power structures. But a lot of it, too, is that the people we become close to-the people who become our friends-usually are the ones who have some interests that are similar to ours. Something to bond over and enjoy together. Which makes it easier to share the things that don't overlap. With people from work, we have less inherently in common, and therefore don't have that same capacity to bond and share via the gateway of a shared interest/shared leisure activity.
Added on top of that, of course, is the fact that in work dynamics, you really don't want there to be emotional issues since it could affect the job itself. Therefore, it's even harder to share things that would make you seem different or like you have a clash of personality with those around you.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Doug! I agree with you that there's less stigma for enjoying nerdy or geeky things. I guess for me, I tend to fear that my boss and her generation don't understand more nerdy things. I worry that it'll appear like I'm irresponsible or not mature enough if I admit I'm excited to go home and play video games or something similar. But I think with a little more courage, I could try to explain why I'm excited about something and explain why it's cool. It is a weird dynamic only having one superior. It seems like it's healthy to want to share and for my boss to know who is essentially raising her kids some days. But at the same time, I also don't want her to judge or to worry due to not understanding my interests, I guess?
DeleteI think of vulnerability as a gift one can choose to bestow on others. You are never made to share your thoughts ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Die_Gedanken_sind_frei ), but you can so choose. With vulnerability, I would be choosy, because, as you said, "when you're vulnerable with someone, that's when you can genuinely connect with them." The more vulnerable you are with people, people you aren't close with, strangers, the less meaningful (to me) it is when you also bestow that gift on me. This goes for all sorts of connections: in business, networking; in friendship, commitment juggling; in sex, promiscuity; in emotional/spiritual life, oversharing. In vulnerable moments, you share and express 'the true you,' and that commodity, while being unbounded in quantity, has its value diminished by overproduction.
ReplyDeleteI hear you saying that there is a component of want for confidence. The different side of yourself in the context of authority, etc., is something that I identified in you before we were very close. And I see that one way to overcome your fear is to 'bare all' to others and not care, but I caution you that it might cheapen your gift to those that you've determined to be worthy.
Instead, I'd have you turn the situation on its head: Realize you're not censored, stifled, or mentally imprisoned, but instead you're empowered, special, and choosing to be selective. You're Joan of Arc!
Does your lack of vulnerability lead to others not understanding you? Sure.
Does vulnerability guarantee that you'll be understood? If only this were true!
Do you want them to know you? Do you think that they deserve to? If so, let them see your wonderful self; if not, it's their loss.
P.S.: It's sad how interest-oriented our social lives have become. I've heard of people questioning long-term relationships because of one questionable choice in TV shows!
ReplyDeleteWhile I agree that it is nonsensical to question long-term relationships based on TV show choices, I'm not sure I agree that it's sad our social lives are interest-oriented. Without a very broad definition of socializing, I'm not entirely sure how one socializes, especially enough to form a friendship, without having any common interests.
DeleteI'm not saying that there has to be a complete overlap, but if I am going to spend social time with someone, especially repeated social time-as with a friendship-it seems somewhat necessary that there be some common interest in which to participate. This might be an activity to participate in, or a subject to discuss. If no common interest can be met, then it seems that at least one party will always be dissatisfied. There are interactions that can be performed in these conditions, particularly professional ones, but in general it's not the sort of conditions I think function for social interaction.
Of course, it is possible that I am using a different definition of social than you are. Particularly, I tend to associate social activity with leisure which may not be inherently the case, depending on one's definitions.