Mentoring with Big Brother Big Sisters has had me reflecting more lately about the way our environment and the social influences in our lives hold so much power over us. Sometimes we don't recognize how impactful something we take for granted- such as our neighborhood or the people in our lives- can be when we're growing up.
In the case of my experience growing up with my family, we weren't lacking when it came to many comforts. It wasn't until I was older that I recognized how blessed we were. I had food on the table, good friends in our neighborhood, a spacious park to escape to right across the street from our home, and many friendly neighbors that allowed us to feel safe exploring the neighborhood on our bikes. I never found myself mixed up with trouble of any kind, (unless my sister and I were fighting over something dumb, but that is typical. :-P) and the people I surrounded myself with were generally caring friends. So many of my needs were met, and because of that I was able to focus on school work, social activities, and finding out who I was as a person.
According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs theory, we are only empowered to pursue higher needs once we have satisfied our more basic needs (shown starting at the bottom of the pyramid.) Essentially, we will only be motivated to seek higher aspirations once we are no longer preoccupied with the more basic needs that take precedence over them.
In my case, most of the time growing up I was able to focus on the "Esteem" tier, because my needs of food, security, friendship, and family were all met. I felt comfortable enough to focus on building my confidence and pursuing achievements because I wasn't worried about meeting those more primal needs.
Unfortunately, in the case of our Little Brother, he has not been so fortunate growing up. He has not always felt like he had enough food to eat, felt safe in his neighborhood, or felt like he can simply rely on family or good friends. If he has been stuck worrying about his physiological or safety needs, it seems like it would be a big leap for him to suddenly focus on building his self-esteem.
One goal of Big Brothers Big Sisters is to help Little Brothers' and Sisters' families find ways to meet their physiological and safety needs so that mentors can empower Littles to see the importance of the higher aspiration tiers. When Littles are in the program for long enough, some self-actualization could even be explored with their mentors.
The way our lives turn out is connected to so many different factors, so it would be oversimplifying to assume that our environments single-handedly make us into the people we are today. However, throughout my education in psychology and counseling, I have consistently been taught that there is a familiar shared theory that our circumstances significantly impact our choices and ultimately, who we become. Numerous experiments have been devoted to exploring the notion that placed within the same situation, in the same environment, or amidst the same people, most typical individuals behave similarly regardless of personality, upbringing, socioeconomic status, gender, race, etc.
If this is indeed the case, then when it is within our power, we truly ought to devote more energy ensuring that we put ourselves in positive, safe, encouraging environments in order to pursue the best versions of ourselves.
While we may not always be able to control our environment when it comes to our living arrangements, family, neighbors, or work environment, one huge part of our lives we are in control of is the company we keep. For me, my family and friends have played a very significant role in my confidence and my growth as a person. As cheesy as it sounds, as I get older, I recognize how valuable it is to have those people in my life who support my goals, love me unconditionally, and push me to be my best.
Especially when we are younger, friendships can often become toxic without us realizing it. It is all too easy for relationships to become one-sided or unhealthy when we genuinely care about others and want to be loyal to them. For me, it has been a long journey of recognizing when a friendship has crossed a line to become a draining relationship rather than a healthy one. There have been a few instances where I have learned the hard way that allowing some space between myself and someone who brings me down has actually been a better choice for my mental health in the long run.
And while I can't say that I don't miss some of those old friends from time to time, I recognize that I am better off focusing my energy on those who build me up and who see the goodness in me even when I it becomes challenging for me to see it myself. I am truly grateful for those people who have encouraged me to just be myself, to set my goals high, and to continue pursuing happiness and meaning.
It is my hope that Brandon and I can be a little glimmer of hope and empowerment for our Little Brother. We may not be able to change all his circumstances or fix his problems, but I truly do believe that often times people have more influence over our lives than does our environment. Schools, homes, and neighborhoods all change. But true friendship and love withstand the tests of time, distance, and change.
As the wise Corey Matthews simply put it, one secret to life is that "people change people." (You knew I'd need to get at least one Boy Meets World reference in here at some point. ;)) With that mentality, we should all try our best to be the type of people who empower others, see the best in them, and help them to reach their highest aspirations.
I saw the title and was going to say "secret to life", but it looks like you addressed the reference.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I agree with the jist of your message. I think that I have a hard time letting go of the memories of friendships, even (maybe especially) toxic ones.
I was talking to Hope about it recently. I have a hard time throwing anything away. I feel like keeping things from my past does something to preserve the memories and helps me understand who I am and how I got here. Even though I know that they don't really. I feel like I do the same thing with people. I want to keep people in my life to hold on to the memories and help me understand who I am and how I got here. But the truth is that that doesn't work at all. For one, the relationship would continue to affect me, thus changing who I am, often for the worse. For two, the relationship would change, being an impure way of preserving the memories/the past. But it is still something I wrestle with.
I have a very similar struggle with getting rid of anything too, Doug! I know Nathan and I have discussed a similar topic about how it seems vital to keep the door open with certain people who were there with us during important times in our lives. Not only do they help us remember the past, but they can help us understand how we got to where we are, like you said. I agree that it is something I still struggle with too, even if it's not rational to imagine the relationship still positively impacting me as life has changed. I'm not sure if the desire to keep holding on ever fully goes away, especially when we cared so deeply about the person. But I do found it gets easier with time as we grow closer to more positive influences.
Delete