2017 Reflections

​Reading others' New Years posts has me feeling reflective too. This year I've been learning more to face my fears and to not be so caught up obsessing over what others think of me. I'm tired of letting anxiety hold me back from trying new things or being open with others. I've been proud of myself for the strides I've made to put aside my fear of failure and my insatiable drive for perfection. It's still a battle, but slow progress is enduring progress.

It's amazing how many times I've been terrified of social situations this year, only to recognize after the fact that I was ok just being present and being myself. Occasionally I've connected with others and been shocked to learn that they've been just as anxious as I've been. No matter how confident or "together" someone's life may seem, we are all fighting our own battles. Making assumptions about others only allows us to put up walls and to potentially miss out on knowing someone. To compare our lives to others' is pointless, because we are never going to fully understand someone else's experiences.

I've preached the fact that we're all unique and have our own strengths that make us lovable exactly how we are. I'm slowly learning to not be so hard on myself and to remember that all I can do is be me. If others don't click with who I am, that's their loss. I may not be the best at something, but that doesn't mean that it's not worthwhile for me to pursue something or to share my thoughts. There is value in not being perfect and in still being honest with others. Easier said than done to keep that in mind, of course, but I'm going to keep working on that.

Most importantly, in the midst of not feeling like I'm where I thought I'd be with my career, starting a family, or personal achievements, I recognize that I am still pushing myself. We can't control everything life throws out way, and there is always going to be a struggle to overcome those challenges. At the start of this year, I didn't think that Brandon would be laid off again, that my Nonna and cousin would pass away, that I'd get a new job only to lose it weeks later, or that I'd need to see a foot specialist because I was in so much pain just to walk.

But I also didn't think that I'd accomplish so much with my own personal fitness goals, become so involved in Big Brothers Big Sisters, blog as much as I have, finally finish our home remodeling project, feel like more of a leader in our choir, grow closer with some of the people in my life, or lead a Zumba class song. Life is not perfect. But sometimes opportunities happen when you don't expect them to, and it's amazing to see what happens when you're willing to take a chance. Growth happens when you surround yourself with those who love you for who you are and who continue to inspire you to not give up on yourself.

Ultimately, what's been solidified in my mind this year is that what matters more than anyone's perspective of you, your job, or what's in your bank account, is how you prioritize your time and the people you spend your time with. As cheesy as it sounds, isn't that what life's all about?


Here's to making 2018 another year of growth, openness, believing in ourselves, and prioritizing what truly matters. :)​

In Defense of Halloween

Growing up, I always had an attachment to Halloween. In general, the fall season was often met with great anticipation. I couldn't wait for the costumes, the parties, the story-telling, and the atmosphere of magic in the air. I admit, even when I was probably considered too old to be trick-or-treating, my friends and I still spent hours perfecting our costumes. Then we made our way around the neighborhood, politely asking for candy and laughing about how we were never going to grow up--- at least not completely ;)

Although some of that spark of excitement has naturally dwindled in me now, I still find myself feeling a child-like joy when Halloween approaches. And honestly, is that a negative thing? Too many adults are so caught up in the mundane obligations of every day life or in how others perceive us that we forget what it's like to have fun. We forget what it's like to be fully immersed in a creative experience. We find ourselves so caught up in fitting a mold that we think we're expected to fit, that Halloween becomes one socially acceptable way to break out of that norm. We can step outside ourselves and stop worrying so much about what others think when we're able to become pretty much whoever we want to be.

For me, Halloween has always been a chance to explore creatively and to occasionally practice my acting skills. ;) Carving pumpkins, creating decorations, and planning parties are all fun opportunities that I don't get throughout the year. It can be an adventure all its own learning how to make something for a costume or discovering an interesting way to complete your costume. It can require patience to keep searching for the right ideas or the items you need, but it's always a great feeling when you complete that perfect item that you've been searching for.

Plus, once you've completed a costume you're proud of, it's honestly a blast imagining yourself behaving like that character you're dressed as. I recognize that maybe my friends and I are "abnormal," but we have a lot of fun playing games where we're able to step outside ourselves and imagine life from a different perspective. Psych research shows that those who regularly read, play imaginative games, or act are actually able to better empathize and to consider others' different life circumstances. When we allow ourselves to explore and imagine, we unlock a part of our minds that I fear is often underutilized.

Halloween also presents a unique opportunity to ponder the unknown. Personally, I don't believe in ghosts, monsters, or goblins. But I am still a fan of the mystery and the unexplained when it comes to many "scary stories." I enjoy hearing stories that make me question and consider how these legends might relate to real life. Additionally, Halloween often presents many stories of bravery and overcoming darkness. The sense of adventure and magic is always abundant. All of this can often contribute to many stories' sense of awe and wonder.

On that note, kids' excitement is contagious around this time of year! Working with kids for many, many years, I see how Halloween has a magic about it. And I know what you're thinking... But it's not just about the candy. ;) Take all the candy and special treats out of the equation, and the kids are still buzzing with excitement about all the fun stories filled with magic, the extra time they get to spend with their friends, and the idea of acting like whoever they're dressing up as. Perhaps for kids, a costume choice is even more significant, because they tend to choose to dress up as someone they truly admire. To be able to embody that person (or dragon. :-P) often brings them a sense of pride and empowerment. (Never mind the fact that little Max wants to be Darth Vader this year... Maybe I'll write a post about our weird glorification of villains another time. ;))

Most importantly, Halloween has always been a chance to connect with my friends, family, and neighbors. Halloween is probably the one night of a year when some neighbors really connect with one another, because many people do not socialize much outside. When it comes to our neighborhood, it is a great way to talk with new neighbors and spread joy.

Not trying to denounce Thanksgiving or Christmas by any means, but the remainder of the year often becomes obsessed with creating the perfect meal, finding the perfect holiday gifts, perfecting fancy decorations, etc. We get so caught up in all the rushing around and planning that we tend to miss out on quality time with those around us. Because fall and Halloween are typically more low-key, it is often a much less stressful time of year for me... Yet it is still filled with so many unique and fun opportunities to spend time with those I care about.

As the wise Shawn Hunter once said, "Gotta love Halloween. It really brings people together."

Success

As my 10 year high school reunion approaches, I've been thinking more about success. Our culture would like us to think that we are only successful if we subscribe to a cookie cutter mold of what success looks like through a very specific lens. Stereotypically, we are shown that highly successful people have a high status job, a big income, a large home, the perfect family, an exciting social life, and no troubles at all. They're typically portrayed as extroverted, very intelligent, well-loved, and physically fit. Essentially, they "have it together" in all facets of their lives. Like I've previously admitted, I still find myself struggling to find "success" when I recognize that I don't fit this mold very well. 

I'm not where I thought I'd be professionally by this point. I'm not as adventurous and brave as I wish I was. I'm not confident and effortlessly social like some of the people I admire. I'm not as wise or smart as some of the awesome people in my life. We haven't started our family yet, which I now recognize is my ultimate life's goal. There's still so much I want to do, and to some degree, I am incomplete. I recognize that while I am very blessed, I am not "successful" in the way that many others are. 

But what if we rejected this stereotype of what success "should" look like and instead examined how success might look in our own lives? If we are able to honestly examine our values and goals, it becomes a lot easier to evaluate how "successful" we are in terms of how we are spending our time and working to honor these goals. But, you see, often "success" isn't able to be seen or measured in a way that most people expect. 

For a tangible example, when it comes to my personal health goals, I am proud of myself when I'm able to lift more weight than I could previously lift. This is something I can measure, and I can be proud because I can "prove" that I am lifting more than I could lift in the past. However, what's more important than the number on my dumbbells is the way I feel after I push myself harder than I pushed myself yesterday. The way I am empowered and proud after a particularly challenging workout means so much more to me than how much weight I lifted. Often times I most feel my progress in terms of being able to master a move that I once wasn't originally able to manage. I feel my growth and progress. But to anyone else watching me, they wouldn't see all the practice and determination that got me to that point. I can't "prove" how far I've come.

Similarly, when I practice mindfulness, I can't exactly measure how mindful I am. It's not a competition, and it's not about "getting better." So I do my best to not try to be perfect with mindfulness practice. There's no way to prove that my mindfulness has an impact on me. It doesn't produce any tangible results. But I know when a meditation has helped to keep my anxiety at bay, and to me, it is successful if I am able to feel a little more in control of my thoughts that day.  

Most of my "successes" can't be flaunted. They consist of something more abstract than a flashy car or a number of friends on social media. Success is a feeling of knowing that I have worked hard for something I value or something that's important to me. Prioritizing my friends and then having a meaningful conversation with them is success. Wanting to be vulnerable and sharing my true self is success. Giving it my all at work and being present in everything I do is success. Keeping our commitments to volunteering or participating in choir even when I'm exhausted is success. Making an effort to try something new even when I'm scared is success. Being a better person is success. 

Perhaps we are successful when we are able to reach our highest level in the Hierarchy of Needs and begin to focus on self-actualization. When we are able to prioritize our best selves, we can find the greatest level of fulfillment. 

To me, success is progress. It is achieving something that I wasn't sure if I could accomplish. It is pushing myself, even when I'm doubting myself. It is fighting the demons in my mind and overcoming my fears. 

It is learning. It is growing. It is change. 

Sometimes, success is simply not giving up. It's that tiny feeling of accomplishment when I know that I'm learning how to cope a little bit better than I was coping yesterday.

It's only when I stop worrying about "checking off the boxes" of these expectations of what makes me successful that I realize I've come pretty far. Besides, I have a difficult time believing that most people who are traditionally successful are actually that happy. Life isn't perfect, and there's always going to be something to overcome. 

With all that said, as long as you're striving to keep your values, goals, and true self in sight, I'd say you're pretty successful in my book. 

If Not Now, When?

This may be another obvious reflection, but I am pushing myself to stop worrying so much about that. I am writing this primarily for my own self-processing. And besides, you never know when someone may need to be reminded of a powerful truth, simple though it may be. ;)

Sometimes when I'm making big (or often small) decisions, my anxious thoughts tend to attach themselves to an insatiable desire to find the perfect timing, or the perfect circumstances, or sometimes the perfect sign from God. And while it would be very comforting to have total confidence every time I made a decision, I am realizing more and more how this mentality can stop me from fully living.

That sounds dramatic, I realize. But how many of us are paralyzed because we are waiting on the right timing or circumstances? "I'll go back to school when I have more time." "I'll try that new hobby when I have more money or freedom." "I'll take that trip when I have my dream job."  "I'll tell him how I feel when I know he likes me." "I'll be happy with myself when I have the perfect boyfriend, job, house, etc." We're so obsessed with perfection or ideal circumstances that we continue to neglect pursuing something that would bring our lives so much joy.

We all fall into this trap at times. We're so consumed by meeting certain goals before pursuing something else that may make us happy... and then we lose sight of the fact that happiness is a journey.

We are each a work in progress, and we'll never be fully "complete" in this life. Allowing our goals to inspire us is wonderful. But we will and should always have goals. If we're waiting for some perfect end game before we take action, we will never seize opportunities that are right in front of us. We will miss out on the growth and joy that could be occurring right here and now.

In my own life, I recognize that I very frequently don't do something because it doesn't feel like the timing is ideal. I get caught up in my feelings of doubt and fear of breaking outside how I think something should be. I analyze and wonder and predict when the "best" circumstances will be. But the truth is, those obvious "best circumstances" very rarely happen. And that's because life is way messier and less predictable than my obsessive mind wishes it was. ;)

For me, it all goes back to my previous post about change and priorities. I want to stop allowing myself to be petrified by the idea of waiting for the perfect moment, especially when I'm using that was an excuse to not take chances. And even in my every day life, I want to be more bold when it comes to taking small risks, even when it comes to the little things.  If I feel like reaching out to someone but I worry it's not the best time,  (Assuming it's not the middle of the night or something) I still want to do it. If we want to go out and do something special, even if it's in the middle of the week and we don't have a lot of free time, I still want to do it. If I recognize it's not an ideal night to stay up late, but I'm having a great conversation, I want to stay up and be a little sleep-deprived.

I want to stop worrying so much about perfection and circumstances, because more often than not, I end up missing out due to fear. I don't want to miss out on how amazing life can be, because it's too short as it is.

The bottom line is that when I'm able to fully let go of my fear of waiting for the perfect moment, I  experience some of life's best blessings. And sometimes that "perfect moment" ends up happening in hindsight anyway.

Choices & Change

I realize it's been a couple months since I've attempted to write, so I figured I was long overdue to share some thoughts. It's not that I haven't been keeping a memo of ideas I'd like to explore through writing, but I guess I often get stuck on my fears of not feeling like I am going to have something worthwhile to say. When I examine that idea further, I recognize that I honestly do believe everyone has thoughts that are "worthy" of sharing. Everyone has their own unique experiences and perspectives that can be thought-provoking or at the very least amusing. (As I recently discussed with Nathan and Brandon, anyone can be a Youtube star these days!)

I admit that I feel daunted by the thought of eloquently sharing a brand new idea. I certainly recognize that I am no expert when it comes to... well, anything really... but should that discount my attempts to write out my thoughts? Sometimes writing is therapeutic in a way that speaking is not. Plus, if I am genuinely interested in others' viewpoints and in them sharing their knowledge, does it matter if I want to explore a topic that has been "done before?"  As long as I am exploring something or as long as someone else is helping me to see something from a new perspective, that feels like it's worth it in my mind. So if I am able to rationally dismiss the notion that my thoughts aren't worth sharing, what holds me back?

Fear of judgment, of course. Fear of not being a good writer or of not being able to express myself well. But again... rationally, I recognize that if I don't try, I'm never going to get better. Self-confidence has always been an area where I struggle, but I am working on that. If I allowed my fear of failure to stop me every time it tried to hold me back, I can only imagine how miserable I'd be.

So all excuses aside, I just don't make writing a priority.

It's funny how that happens, isn't it? We have the best intentions of doing something that we know will be good for us, but we just don't get around to it. To clarify, I recognize that life happens. There are many times when we do have plenty of legitimate commitments and obligations that keep us busy.

However, a good friend often reminds me that regardless of what life throws our way, ultimately we always choose how we spend our time. Yes, sometimes we need to prioritize paying bills or being there for others when they need us. But if we get so caught up in these things that we don't make time for what brings us joy, we often miss out on more of what feeds our souls.

It's challenging to say, "no." Especially for those of us who strive to prioritize others and to do as much as we can, it can feel incredibly awful to stand up for what we need. For me, I recognize that I often end up feeling exhausted and resentful when I don't make time for the things that help me recharge. And yet, my fear of letting others down often seems more powerful than my desire to take care of myself. But if I allow this thinking to take the reins, I end up losing sight of my greater purpose.

That's something I've really made strides with over the past couple years. (Thanks to Brandon and conversations with good friends, mostly.) I have learned that I can't pour from an empty cup. Yes, I want to be there for others and to go above and beyond when I can. But sometimes I have to prioritize my own self-care and to realize when I'm burning the candle at both ends. There are always going to be plenty of distractions and opportunities in our lives. How we prioritize them makes a bigger impact than we think. I have been trying to be honest with myself more lately. I want to examine whether or not how I am using my time is best for me. It's tough to remember to question this, but once I do, I tend to be able to recognize pretty quickly if what I'm doing is effecting me in a positive way or not.

So if I can see this so clearly, why do I continue to struggle with not always prioritizing what's best for me? Perhaps it's because I tend to be terrified of change. So much so, that even if I realize something will be better for me in the long run, I am petrified of taking the steps to get there. There is a comfort in the familiar, and sadly enough, so many of us get stuck experiencing the comfort of discontent and even pain at times. It sounds sick when you think about it, and it is. We become addicted to our negativity and disappointment with our choices because we've grown to expect it. And when we have low expectations, it's easier to not get hurt.

Our brains are wired to make connections and to continue making those connections until we upset the thought cycle on enough circumstances. With anxiety for instance, my mind has wired itself to think irrational and fearful thoughts in certain circumstances. The only way for me to stop the cycle is for me to continue challenging those thought patterns until my brain makes a new, healthier connection. But the process is time-consuming and admittedly exhausting.

Easy, right? ;) So there's the core issue. It takes so much energy and wisdom to continue challenging our negative thoughts and habits. It takes so much commitment and drive to make a new habit or thought reality.

But what's incredibly powerful to me is the notion that everything starts with one choice. One positive change can lead to the next. One positive thought can empower you to have the energy to make that first step.

So with that said, time to start making writing more of a priority. ;)

The Legacy of Nonna

Grief is dynamic. I remember when my psych professors told my class that there really is no logic or consistent pattern to it. Contrary to popular belief, the "Five Stages of Grief" are not so universally applied by all psychologists as they used to be in the recent past. The common belief now is that we may move through different stages at different times, sometimes alternating quickly or skipping a stage altogether. Scientists and mental health professionals would love it if we could make classifications and diagnostics that match everyone's experiences. But as with everything in life, that simplistic thinking isn't always so accurate and certainly is not always helpful. We all have our own stories and reactions because we all have our own complex ways of processing and coping.

As I listened to my mom as she wearily told me that Nonna had just passed away, I admit I was in denial. Because I was at work caring for the kids, I recognized that I would not have an opportune moment for it all to sink in for some time. So rather than begin truly processing my mom's words, I did my best to go about my day being strong for my mom, my sister, my cousin, and the kids. I didn't exactly allow myself to feel, because I didn't want to end up an emotional mess while I was watching over the kids. It was not ideal, but like so many initial reactions to losing someone you care about, it was a defense mechanism.

After work, without thinking I drove to the grocery store where I picked up lots of foods that reminded me of Nonna. Coming from a proud Italian heritage, Nonna strongly believed in sharing her love for us by hosting big family get togethers- which naturally involved lots of delicious homemade food. But even when it was just Becky and me spending the night there, Nonna would spoil us with treats and goodies. Most of them were made by scratch, but a couple sweets such as Toaster Strudels stuck out in my mind as something I could get easily. Rather than spend hours in the kitchen whipping up some intricate dishes like Nonna used to do, I opted for the strudels, bakery bread, and an Italian sub. As I mindlessly drove home, I realized that I was surprisingly comforted by the delicious homage.

As the next few days unfolded, I wanted to be supportive for my mom, because I couldn't imagine how tough it is to lose your mother. To some extent, I think I was feeling depressed, because I felt guilty that I felt sad. Whatever I was feeling, I assumed that my mom and others were feeling worse. I resented myself for feeling sad, because I wanted to be strong.  Of course, I rationally recognize now that it's completely fine to feel however I'm feeling. It's pointless and harmful to compare our experiences to one another's.  I wish I would have been thinking clearly enough to have seen that days ago.

Eventually, my anger had got the best of me. I was frustrated that I couldn't allow myself to feel. Then I found myself unmoved by my friends' and family members' messages of, "I'm so sorry for your loss," or "let me know if you need anything." Sure, these messages may have been entirely genuine, but somehow the words felt hollow to me. Many of us have lost someone we care for, but rarely have I found that we genuinely know how to comfort each other. And perhaps that's because there's very little we can actually do to support one another during such an emotional time. Regardless, I grew irritable and especially anxious. I was furious at myself for feeling so anxious and for feeling like I wasn't coping well.  I left social media, partially because it was frustrating to see how everyone else was so happy. The world was still getting along just fine, so why wasn't I? I grew weary listening to others' problems, because I felt like we had an insurmountable emotional hill in front of me. If I was able to comfort others, why couldn't they help me? In sank the depression. I was upset that my family was struggling and that the funeral was still almost a week away. It felt like there was little to do in the mean time besides wait and wallow. I wanted to be able to fully grieve, but I felt like I couldn't.

Finally, thankfully.... the visitation and the funeral brought a surprising amount of peace. I was moved to see how many of Nonna's family, family friends, and neighbors came out to pay their respects. 94 years of relationships and memories filled the room. As strangers pinched our cheeks and told us how beautiful we (Becky and me. Not Brandon and me. ;)) were, the atmosphere changed from somber to lively. The silence and sad whispers eventually melted into laughter and stories all involving the incredible woman we were there to honor. People I had never met before reminded me of just how special Nonna was to so many of us and how she would never be forgotten.

The next day brought even more joy. It was so memorable hearing the priest share Nonna's life story at the mass. He spared no detail describing how Nonna was a courageous immigrant who didn't even know English when she first moved here from Italy. Nonna's commitment to family, community, the Italian culture, tradition, and prayer has touched so many of our hearts. Perhaps most notably, she had been such a big part of encouraging our family to cherish as much time together as we can.

I'll never forget her tirelessly playing the Aladdin board game with us even when we constantly switched up the rules on her. How she'd let us sleep in her bed every time we spent the night. How she'd always let us watch whatever we wanted to watch on TV, even if she couldn't really understand why we liked those weird shows (Even Stevens... Hello!). How every Easter without fail, she would give Becky, Audrey, and me a stuffed bunny, until that one year she got us giant plastic eggs.  How she knitted my Baby Peach (Baby Peach can get her own blog post sometime. ;)) a new "outfit." Switching out the grandkids' photos (Poor Keith...) crookedly hanging on the walls. Sneaking into Mav and Dom's room as they played Legos. Laughing at the photo of "Funny Grandpa." Playing Nightmare Before Christmas and Dark Water, or whatever the heck we called the game where we turned on and off the lights and had a narrator telling a scary story. Climbing the hill in her backyard. Sneaking up after dinner to peak at our gifts in the mountain of Christmas presents.  How as kids we experienced an atmosphere of magic in in her home celebrating every holiday in general. Her love of the Little Drummer Boy and Pinocchio. Hiding our uneaten dinner under napkins and couches, and throwing it off pool decks because we didn't want to disappoint her if we hadn't eaten enough. Eating dinner in the poorly light basement that seemed to have been designed perfectly to fit almost 30 family members at all the mismatched tables that formed one huge table. Movie nights with her and Audrey at the nursing home. Watching Titanic and Padre Pio again and again.  Setting off the security alarm at the nursing home that one time... And the list goes on!

Reflecting more, I recognize that without even realizing it earlier in my life, Nonna's desire to be hospitable, giving, and family-focused has been embedded into who I am. From a young age, I witnessed her spend days upon days preparing for Christmas dinner with the family. I saw how it made her incredibly happy to make others feel especially loved on their birthdays. As she cooked our favorite dishes, we felt how much she loved us. I watched her pour her heart into crocheting the huge Christmas stockings for each new member of the family, until her hands literally didn't work any longer. Every single time I saw her in the nursing home, she'd try to send me home with some candy or a gift. Even when she didn't have much left to share, she still wanted to be generous.

So many small actions and traditions showed us how much she loved everyone in our ever-growing family. I know that her memory will always live on, and I hope that we all continue to be inspired by the giving and loving heart of the matriarch of the Lanzillotta family- the one and only Nonna.

"13 Reasons Why" and Mental Health

My mind is a whirlwind right now, so forgive me if my thoughts are all over the place. This may be challenging for me to write or tough for you to read, but I think the topic is important enough to explore. 

I just finished watching the Netflix series 13 Reasons Why. For anyone who hasn't heard of it, the basic premise of the show is that a high school girl unexpectedly commits suicide. She has left a series of reflections via audio tapes that describe in (sometimes painful) detail the circumstances that led to her heart-breaking decision. Others in her life made choices that impacted her decision, and each one of them is given the chance to listen to the tapes. They are given the opportunity to consider how their actions could have made such a huge difference in someone else's life. The series tragically displays how sometimes it can be a long road full of many seemingly small incidents that lead someone to such despair. 

13 Reasons Why does a great job remaining honest and vulnerable throughout the entire series. It does not shy away from exploring how our selfishness and negligence can truly alter the way someone else views their world around them. Some episodes were very challenging for me to watch and others still have me reflecting on mental health and connections in our world. 

While the main character's decision to end her life was entirely her own, it is overly simplistic to assume that no one else played a part in her reaching the brink of hopelessness. As social creatures, our lives revolve more around interactions with others than we realize. I have certainly come to recognize how my mental health and my coping skills shift depending on who I surround myself with. Regardless of how we may want to think that our character shines through in all circumstances, our environment plays a bigger role in our behavior than we think. (I could write another post solely about that too. There have been plenty of fascinating social psychology experiments devoted to proving this notion.) 

Unfortunately, we have the tendency to villainize those who experience trauma or those who commit suicide because it's easier to assume that we couldn't have done anything to stop it. It's tragic enough to see someone struggling or to have lost someone, but to consider the fact that something could have been done to prevent the tragedy feels like it's too much to bear. 

Before I continue, I want to address the fact that some mental illnesses- specifically depression- can lead someone to feel such utter despair that being a good friend to them would simply not be enough to bring them back from the brink. Some depression is so evil that it requires considerable compassion, patience, therapy, and/or medication to treat. By no means am I trying to imply that you can just magically "love the depression away." Some people need serious help for their struggles, and trying to help them alleviate their suffering on your own is not logical nor wise. 

However, that doesn't mean that our choices don't have consequences. Forgive me if I sound like a broken record, but I am a firm believer in the idea that we change one another. It has been my experience that positive relationships can make all the difference between someone finding themselves lost in pure darkness vs. someone seeing a glimmer of hope through the light of a loved one.  The ways we choose to treat one another, the ways we prioritize our time, and the way we listen to others can make a phenomenal difference. We may not be able to stop every tragedy from occurring, but sometimes we have more power than we think. Our words and actions can make the difference between someone feeling utterly isolated and someone seeing light at the end of the tunnel. 

People ask me why I try to be so caring and encouraging to others. Maybe at times I'm going through something too, but I'm not being fake. I make a deliberate effort to be there for others, because it's simple. You never know what someone is dealing with. You may not realize it, but close to 1/3 of everyone you encounter has struggled with or is struggling with some sort of mental illness.  Many of us keep our heads high and others would never recognize how dark life can feel for us at times.

So what can you do for someone who's struggling with mental illness? Primarily, be present with them. Be there to listen. Ask them what they need. Remind them that you care and that you're there. Don't just try to solve their problems with cliches. I can't tell you how many times someone has told me, "cheer up!" or "don't worry!" and expected that simple advice to actually help. Recognize that it's not that easy. If it were, no one would be struggling with anxiety or depression. Even when they're seemingly unresponsive, don't stop trying. Sometimes it may not seem like they appreciate your efforts or your kindness, but they do. Chances are, if they're pushing you away, it's because they don't want their darkness to touch you. But hopefully with time, they will trust you as someone who can handle their pain, and they'll be able to be vulnerable with you.  Be wary when your loved ones' behavior seems to change drastically. It could be loss of interest in activities they once cared about, irritability, a change in appetite, energy or sleep, physical pains, and of course, feeling worthless or hopeless. All these signs can show that their mental health is declining. If it gets extreme, encourage them to seek professional help. In addition to being there for others, you can support mental health organizations like Yellow Ribbon or other charity events (For example, Beavercreek High School hosts the Walk for Life every year) that help spread awareness.  Ultimately, stop demonizing mental illness and see past someone's diagnosis to the person they are beneath all that. Don't decide not to reach out because you assume that someone is "fine." Mental illness or not, it can be very meaningful to be reminded that someone cares. 

Until recently, it has been the cultural norm to ignore mental health concerns. It is challenging to talk about these types of struggles when we are surrounded by a culture seeking instant gratification and pleasure. Deep issues and pain tend to not fall into the realm of acceptable conversation topics. It doesn't seem appropriate to discuss the invisible monsters you're battling, so many times, they are never brought up.  For many of us, you can't see that we're struggling. There are often no physical scars nor visible physical symptoms. 

But whether or not you can see it, the bottom line is that everyone is fighting some sort of battle. For many people in our lives, we may be their life line. So when you choose to be kind rather than to ignore or to make fun of someone, you are making a difference. When you choose to reach out to someone or to try to understand what they're going through, you may be making a bigger impact on their life than you realize. Maybe I sound like a broken record, but I don't care. We need to think about how our actions impact others around us and strive to be the light in the darkness for others who are struggling to see it. I know I am genuinely grateful to those of you who continue to be that light for me. And if you're reading this, know that you genuinely matter to me as well. 

Love and Unrealistic Expectations

Hollywood and pop culture have colored our perception of love for so many of us. Countless romantic comedies encourage us to imagine love as something we feel passionately, unexpectedly, and helplessly. The characters in a romantic relationship are typically "destined" for one another, and we're led to believe that they have no choice other than to embrace their fate of being together. Rarely are we given realistic expectations of relationships that show couples practicing commitment, patience, and compassion in the face of challenge. While I don't deny I enjoy romantic plot lines on some of my favorite shows or movies, I've found that the way love is often presented is very detrimental. The way love is often portrayed in our culture can create unrealistic and unhealthy expectations for real life relationships.

One of my biggest concerns is that so many people have convinced themselves that love is a noun. It's something we "fall" into--- desperately and occasionally even without consent. Like I mentioned, many people come to believe that they need to wait for their "destiny." While I'm certainly an advocate for waiting to be in a relationship with someone you're compatible with and who treats you the way you deserve to be treated, I've learned that love is, in fact, a verb. It is something we choose to do each and every day.

If I examine my marriage, I recognize that yes, often times I feel like I simply love Brandon without a second thought or without hesitation. Perhaps that's healthy that certain mindsets such as always trying to put one another above ourselves come naturally to us. But when I'm tired or anxious or depressed or when we're arguing, it's not always easy to put him first. When I do, it's because I am choosing to do so. I am choosing to make him my first priority, even when I don't feel like it.

Emotions are fleeting. But love should not solely be a feeling. The genuine joy and excitement I often feel through sharing my life with Brandon is incredible. But life isn't always sunshine and butterflies in our stomachs. Love doesn't bend when life circumstances impact our stress levels and mental health. It doesn't change because we're experiencing new struggles together. Love withstands all challenges, and in fact, grows in the face of challenge.

I chose to make Brandon the most important person in my life. That commitment inspires me to continue trying even when life isn't so simple. Yes, it requires effort. But just because something takes time and work doesn't mean that it's not entirely worth that effort.

It's obvious that everyone is unique. We come into new relationships with differing baggage, hopes, and goals. How does it even make sense to expect there to never be challenges, when we know how exhausting life can be on our own? Add another person to that mix, and sharing your life with someone will include many unexpected trials.

Our media tends to place an emphasis on relationships needing to being easy, or else they're not worth it. How often have we witnessed characters receiving advice that encompasses the mentality that, "if it's not simple, it's time to get out of that relationship?" Romantic or otherwise, let me be completely honest with you. My marriage and my strongest relationships are not easy. They require effort, time, and compassion. They require understanding and forgiveness. Sure, maybe the shared compatibility makes it "easy" to want to be with Brandon, or my family or close friends, but the relationships themselves are not always so simple.

We're lying to ourselves if we think that real love is always going to be easy or perfect. In my experience, relationships aren't always as neat and tidy as media portrays them to be. But guess what? I wouldn't trade any one of my genuine relationships in for some other relationship that was actually "easy." The good and the bad all make those relationships stronger. If I'm completely honest, if I haven't experienced some sort of conflict or shared challenge with someone, I'm either not that close with them, or that relationship is still growing.

Speaking of growth, romantic comedies also encourage us to think that once you've found "the one," you should never have to change. Believe me, I love the sentiment of finding someone who respects you entirely for who you are and who doesn't judge you for your flaws or weirdness. I honestly don't know where I'd be without Brandon's unconditional love, and I am so grateful for that. But at the same time, he inspires me to want to be better. In only a couple years of our marriage, I've grown so much. He has empowered me to reach for new heights and to not give up on myself. He has been the constant voice in the back of my head encouraging me to do what's right, even when it's not easy. So, while I am incredibly thankful for his unfaltering love and his respect for me (besides my occasional unsolicited tum punch), he makes me want to change in order to be the best version of myself.  In my opinion, real love is changing together. True love is inspiring one another to keep changing for the better.

What I've learned is that love is not easy. It is not some wavering, temperamental emotion. But the time, patience, and effort is always worth it when two people are genuinely making the choice to love one another.

I have always loved Shakespeare's Sonnet 116. Thanks, Boy Meets World. :-P

Dream Jobs and Meaning in Our Lives

In our culture, having a successful career is one popular indicator of accomplishment. We place value on earning a higher education degree in order to find that "dream job" that we've always believed will make us happy. The idea is that if we study hard, we'll be able to attain that perfect job that will make our life meaningful. Especially for women, if we don't have goals of achieving our "dream job," we are seen as unambitious or conforming to old-fashioned gender norms.  Up until very recently, I definitely bought into this notion. Not until lately have I recognized just how detrimental my thinking patterns (and countless others' thinking patterns as well!) about this matter really are.

From a young age, I've always wanted to help others. Even in elementary school my friends sought out my support and advice. I've always enjoyed being there to help others work through their struggles, and I've always thrived off of knowing I've made even the slightest difference in someone's life. Naturally, I wanted to turn helping others into a career. In college I decided to pursue psychology in order to better understand the way our minds work, and in turn use that knowledge to better help others to overcome their challenges. I knew that a bachelor's degree wouldn't be enough to find a job that would actually be in the psych field, so I went on to earn my Masters in School Counseling. I've always felt a strong connection with children, so it wasn't a big leap when I decided I wanted to specialize in working with kids. 

Fast forward a few years, and guess what? I still haven't found a permanent job in my field. For a very long time, I struggled with feeling like a failure due to my lack of a counseling job. When others asked me "what do you do?" I instinctively and anxiously replied, "Well, I still can't find a job in my field... I did just earn my Masters... I'm just working as a nanny right now." 

"Just nannying right now." Like nannying doesn't take a world of patience, problem-solving skills,  creativity, developmental knowledge, and compassion. Like nannying hasn't prepared me to be a better mother and taught me so much about unconditional love, the complexities of the growing brain, and how to be a better version of myself. The truth is, I have faced so many challenges at my current job, and I have grown so much as a person because of it. On any given day, I am often a counselor, a mentor, a role model, a psychologist, a teacher, a tutor, a coach, a personal assistant, an entertainer, a house keeper, a schedule planner, a (simple) chef, and a chauffeur. I wear many hats. I am challenged, and I am learning every day. I love what I do, and I am flattered to be one of the most influential people in the kids' lives. But for a long time, I looked down on myself simply because I wasn't directly using either of my degrees. 

I still make a difference with kids both as a nanny and as a mentor with Big Brothers Big Sisters. But my job doesn't require using my degrees that took me years to earn and thousands of dollars to complete. Well, I should say I'm not using my degrees directly, at least. I still find that my knowledge and experience plays a huge role not only in how I help out at work, but also in how I interact with so many people in my everyday life. The truth is, earning those degrees was not a waste of time. Not only did it provide the opportunity for me to help a lot of great people along the way, but I learned so much that continues to impact the way I think and who I am.

So many of my friends are in this same boat. Maybe you're not doing exactly what you expected to be doing after college or graduate school. The truth is, a lot of us aren't. But my guess is that you still use your educational background pretty often. It's likely that you had a similar life-changing experience and that you aren't the same person you were before you pursued higher education either. You don't need a particular career to prove that. Your character speaks for itself. And the truth is, you can still pursue your passions even when it's not through an outlet that provides your livelihood.  

Just because you don't have that dream job, that doesn't mean that you are a failure. I'm not a failure, and I've come to realize that now. It's extremely challenging to find a job in your field without having just the right connections these days. Unfortunately, with many job opportunities, it's a political or biased hiring process. It's not a reflection on us. It's a reflection on our environment. I wish I would have fully accepted this years ago in order to save myself a lot of heartache. (Anyone still reading, here's some comic relief:"tell me why-ay? Ain't nothing but a heartache!") I know we have it ingrained in our minds that without the fancy job, exciting promotions and big salaries we aren't successful. But I'm writing to remind you that that couldn't be further from the truth. There are so many other ways we can find pride or meaning in how we live our lives. Maybe it's not as flashy to go to bed proud of a tough decision you made or how you handled a situation, but it's still a good feeling. 

Most importantly, what we end up doing professionally is just a small piece of who we are. It's true that when people first meet someone new, they typically default to the "what do you do?" question to try to get to know someone better. And for a lot of people, that answer may reveal a lot about them as a person. But it does not define them. 

In the past couple years, I've been reflecting a lot about what brings me joy and who I am as a person. I admit, for so long I was seeking those answers by primarily looking at my career (or lack-there-of when it came to my dream job). But as I've grown to see the purpose and goodness in my current job, while not focusing on my lack of a dream career, I've become much happier. So many people I know may not be living the life they expected to be living, but they still do so with kindness, integrity, and passion. I have utmost respect for them. 

Thankfully I've been doing better to focus on my character rather than the way I earn a living. Who I am as a person is not defined by my job. I am distinguished by my choices, my character, my values, and the other ways I choose to spend my time as well. If I find meaning in my life through my relationships, volunteering, and singing with our church choir that's terrific. If I find joy through hiking, biking, playing tennis, taking photos, experiencing God in nature, and game nights with friends that's excellent too. Many times I don't have any concrete evidence (like a promotion, a raise, etc.) of experiencing that kind of joy besides photos to help me remember. But that doesn't make those experiences any less significant. Our jobs may consume a majority of our days, but there is so much more to experience in this life. It has been my experience that some of life's simplest joys can be the most powerful. 

We're all searching for meaning in our lives. Some people find that in their careers, and that's great. Others may find it in their family, their relationships, their faith, or their interests.  Rather than putting yourself in a box based on what you feel you're lacking, consider, what does bring your life meaning? Take time today to revel in life's genuine joys. "Maybe some things are that simple." :)

My Always

Sometimes they don't know me

But it seems you always do

Even when the fog becomes 

Too thick for me to see through 

Sometimes I am lost

Can't seem to find my way

But you always pull me back

Even when there's nothing left to say

When the words just can't describe 

How the world makes me feel numb

Remember how much you mean to me

How strong that we've become

Because your love never falters

Even when my mind feels dark

For that's when the stars shine brightest:

Hopeful night walks in our park 

I know we can conquer anything

We will overcome any strife 

To be your missing puzzle piece

Brings such meaning to my life

You inspire me every day

You help me see through the haze

I am so grateful for you

My strength. My heart. 

My Always

Family

It seems family and specifically parents have been a big topic of conversation among my friends and family lately. "Blood is thicker than water" goes the old saying. My mom's side of the family is Italian, so I've grown up with the notion that loyalty to family is not only healthy, but expected. (Not in a Mafia-esque way, but you know. :-P) My dad's side of the family is no stranger to the significance of family either. Growing up, I looked forward to big family get-togethers, mostly because I had such a blast playing with my cousins (One of my cousins even became a best friend too. :)) and loved seeing my grandparents. There was an anticipation for the snacks, crafts, and games that awaited us every time we visited. It felt special to visit with family. I felt loved and safe with them. There is often an atmosphere of magic for kids when they are with their family. 

On a related note, I believe that our culture often doesn't place a great enough emphasis on the aging population. We tend to practically discard loved ones who aren't healthy or happy, because it depresses us to be around them. It reminds us of our own immortality to watch our grandparents and parents experience numerous health problems as they grow older. 

However, if we look past the ailments of those much older than us, we often find an opportunity to bond with some truly incredible people. In my experience, I always enjoyed watching my Nonna's passion for cooking for others and playing games with my grandparents. I still enjoy the company of Brandon's ever-sassy grandpa who has a wonderful sense of humor. I love the wisdom my dad often shares with me. I admire how my mom's age has allowed her to grow a sense of courage and confidence that I hope to one day exude myself. Essentially, I believe there is much to learn from family members who have "been there, done that."

I also admire the loyalty and dependability that family often provides. The cliche that they love you unconditionally is often very true. Because of this, we often feel safe and like we can be ourselves around our families. It is comforting to share so many of the same perspectives, memories, and morals. 

Nowadays, I view family a little differently. Perhaps my definition of it has changed. But I also see a reoccurring issue that I feel like many people deny even exists. We tend to glorify our parents and other family members simply because of how they are related to us. Again, I'm not trying to say that family isn't a huge blessing. But these people in our families are human nonetheless. 

It is wonderful to have role models. Positive parenting can lead the next generation to be more loving, accepting, and brave. Where the situation gets questionable is when someone wants to be exactly like their parents, regardless of how their parents might exhibit some unhealthy patterns. Blind admiration without evaluation of someone's actions can be destructive and even downright dangerous. While parents should be appreciated and respected, that doesn't mean that we should desire to emulate their every choice or excuse their actions regardless of consequences. When we forget that our parents are flawed, we accidentally gravitate towards a damaging viewpoint that our parents should be imitated in all ways. 

As adults, we should now be able to question our family's negative decisions while simultaneously desiring to continue their positive qualities. It doesn't mean that we love them any less or that we are being too judgmental. It means that we are thinking for ourselves and becoming individuals. When we are able to stop viewing family as super heroes, we are able to admire them without putting them on a pedestal. 

While I understand that there is something powerful about loving someone regardless of their choices, there is a huge difference between love and apathy (I could write a whole post on that topic, but maybe another time. :-P) If my family does something to hurt themselves or others, you better believe that I'm not just going to ignore it. Of course, I will always forgive them and always see the best in them. I want the people I love to know that I'm there for them, yet also understand that I love them enough to be honest with them. I respect myself enough to tell them the truth. I care enough to encourage them to be the best versions of themselves, even when that isn't easy. 

At this point in my life, my close friends have become my family too. I often lean on them for support and advice. They sometimes know me better than I know myself. I trust that they love me unconditionally as well. I respect them regardless of imperfections and realize that their flaws are a part of who they are. I don't put them on a pedestal, and I think our friendships are stronger as a result. 

Family is one of life's most incredible blessings. This gift can be enjoyed to the fullest when we respect others for who they are, while still encouraging them to grow. After all, we are all just human.  

People Change People

It's pretty obvious to recognize that the company we keep and the situations we find ourselves in constantly impact who we are. I probably have nothing ground-breaking to say on the topic, but I told myself that I wouldn't let that hold me back from exploring my thoughts with writing. Besides, I have found that writing about other topics when I have something else on my mind can lead me to feeling distracted. There'll be plenty of time for me to pursue other writing topics. (Which, by the way, my prompt idea list has been growing!)

Mentoring with Big Brother Big Sisters has had me reflecting more lately about the way our environment and the social influences in our lives hold so much power over us. Sometimes we don't recognize how impactful something we take for granted- such as our neighborhood or the people in our lives- can be when we're growing up.

In the case of my experience growing up with my family, we weren't lacking when it came to many comforts. It wasn't until I was older that I recognized how blessed we were. I had food on the table, good friends in our neighborhood, a spacious park to escape to right across the street from our home, and many friendly neighbors that allowed us to feel safe exploring the neighborhood on our bikes. I never found myself mixed up with trouble of any kind, (unless my sister and I were fighting over something dumb, but that is typical. :-P) and the people I surrounded myself with were generally caring friends. So many of my needs were met, and because of that I was able to focus on school work, social activities, and finding out who I was as a person.

According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs theory, we are only empowered to pursue higher needs once we have satisfied our more basic needs (shown starting at the bottom of the pyramid.) Essentially, we will only be motivated to seek higher aspirations once we are no longer preoccupied with the more basic needs that take precedence over them.

In my case, most of the time growing up I was able to focus on the "Esteem" tier, because my needs of food, security, friendship, and family were all met. I felt comfortable enough to focus on building my confidence and pursuing achievements because I wasn't worried about meeting those more primal needs.

Unfortunately, in the case of our Little Brother, he has not been so fortunate growing up. He has not always felt like he had enough food to eat, felt safe in his neighborhood, or felt like he can simply rely on family or good friends. If he has been stuck worrying about his physiological or safety needs, it seems like it would be a big leap for him to suddenly focus on building his self-esteem.

One goal of Big Brothers Big Sisters is to help Little Brothers' and Sisters' families find ways to meet their physiological and safety needs so that mentors can empower Littles to see the importance of the higher aspiration tiers. When Littles are in the program for long enough, some self-actualization could even be explored with their mentors.

The way our lives turn out is connected to so many different factors, so it would be oversimplifying to assume that our environments single-handedly make us into the people we are today. However, throughout my education in psychology and counseling, I have consistently been taught that there is a familiar shared theory that our circumstances significantly impact our choices and ultimately, who we become. Numerous experiments have been devoted to exploring the notion that placed within the same situation, in the same environment, or amidst the same people, most typical individuals behave similarly regardless of  personality, upbringing, socioeconomic status, gender, race, etc.

If this is indeed the case, then when it is within our power, we truly ought to devote more energy ensuring that we put ourselves in positive, safe, encouraging environments in order to pursue the best versions of ourselves.

While we may not always be able to control our environment when it comes to our living arrangements, family, neighbors, or work environment, one huge part of our lives we are in control of is the company we keep. For me, my family and friends have played a very significant role in my confidence and my growth as a person. As cheesy as it sounds, as I get older, I recognize how valuable it is to have those people in my life who support my goals, love me unconditionally, and push me to be my best.

Especially when we are younger, friendships can often become toxic without us realizing it. It is all too easy for relationships to become one-sided or unhealthy when we genuinely care about others and want to be loyal to them. For me, it has been a long journey of recognizing when a friendship has crossed a line to become a draining relationship rather than a healthy one. There have been a few instances where I have learned the hard way that allowing some space between myself and someone who brings me down has actually been a better choice for my mental health in the long run.

And while I can't say that I don't miss some of those old friends from time to time, I recognize that I am better off focusing my energy on those who build me up and who see the goodness in me even when I it becomes challenging for me to see it myself. I am truly grateful for those people who have encouraged me to just be myself, to set my goals high, and to continue pursuing happiness and meaning.

It is my hope that Brandon and I can be a little glimmer of hope and empowerment for our Little Brother. We may not be able to change all his circumstances or fix his problems, but I truly do believe that often times people have more influence over our lives than does our environment. Schools, homes, and neighborhoods all change. But true friendship and love withstand the tests of time, distance, and change.

As the wise Corey Matthews simply put it, one secret to life is that "people change people." (You knew I'd need to get at least one Boy Meets World reference in here at some point. ;))  With that mentality, we should all try our best to be the type of people who empower others, see the best in them, and help them to reach their highest aspirations. 

High-Functioning Anxiety and Depression

I've been debating about tackling this topic, but I've felt overwhelmed at the idea of attempting to describe something that I've already failed to capture so many times. I know my loved ones care and want to understand, but it's so frustrating when I feel like I'm incapable of fully depicting my struggle. If this isn't of interest to you or if it's too much to read, ( After writing this, I considered changing the title of this post to include a colon and "A Short Autobiography. :-P) please know that I won't be hurt if you don't participate in this post. Primarily, I want this to be for me. I want to feel more liberated from the stigma and to feel empowered to be honest.

 But, if after reading this, others understand even just a little better or feel encouraged to reach out to their loved ones more, writing this will be worth it. If this encourages others to understand their loved ones who may struggle with something similar, that would be wonderful too. I'm not saying that everyone's journey is the same, because that couldn't be further from the truth. But I'll share my story in hopes that if others relate, they'll know that they're not alone.

For me, my anxiety tends to gravitate towards a more social anxiety or an anxiety about perfection or control. Countless times I've obsessed over the idea that I'm not good enough. I always think I should be doing more to be a good wife, friend, daughter, sister, etc. I often fear appearing unintelligent, inadequate, or like I don't belong. I have an irrational fear of abandonment and criticism, so I often obsess over unintentionally pushing others away or not being good enough. I obsessively replay conversations over and over in my mind, attempting to convince myself that whatever stupid thing I said wasn't actually a big deal. (I tend to lose that battle.)  Being around people I'm not comfortable with can be incredibly anxiety-provoking, because I'm constantly imagining what everyone is feeling or thinking.  Of course, I tend to assume that it's the worst case scenario, when in reality, people don't actually hate me for saying something stupid or for making a mistake. Regardless, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, because I am terrified of messing up. Sometimes anxious feelings lead me to dread leaving the house or going somewhere unfamiliar. I often feel out of control when I don't know what's going on or when plans change unexpectedly. When I know what to expect, I feel much more relaxed. But even then sometimes the anxious thoughts still find a way to trickle in.

At times, it honestly can be crippling. Imagine having about a thousand terrifying windows browsers each featuring one of your worst fears open at the same time. You want to close some of the browsers so that you can at least focus on even just one fear at a time. That would make the worry something you can conquer. Now imagine feeling fearful about not just needing to close each horrifying tab one by one, but also about not knowing what order to close them all in... It's time-consuming and shouldn't matter, but when I'm in an extreme anxious state, it's challenging to think straight and to make decisions.

It feels like a light has been turned on in my mind, and no matter how hard I try, no matter how far away I run, I can't turn it off or get to a safe point where the light isn't blinding me. There's no reason for the light to be on- in fact, there's not even a light switch- so it's maddening trying to figure out how to turn it off. Let alone what caused it to turn on in the first place!

Besides the physical symptoms of aches, nausea, and breathing issues , anxiety can make it feel impossible to do something that I'd love to do if I were in a more stable frame of mind. It makes it more challenging to do the simplest task when I'm obsessing over worst case scenarios, especially when I know that they aren't realistic. I recognize that all these things I do are irrational, and most the time even when I'm feeling that way in the moment, I can recognize it as well.

However, as much as I wish it was true, it's not just something I can "snap out of" when I realize it's not logical. So many loved ones have attempted to console me using rational thinking. I realize it's tough to understand, but that doesn't help because anxiety is not rational. Don't you think that if I could will it all to go away, I would have by this point?

People ask me why I just can't "let it go." (Cue the Frozen music. ;)) Because of the anxious thoughts, it just isn't that simple. I fixate on even the most insignificant details without knowing why and certainly without even wanting to. Tiny details that don't matter to anyone else become impossible to move past for me. For some reason, my mind gets stuck on whatever thought and it is a real challenge for me to convince my brain that it's time to move on. A typical mind has little trouble identifying a negative thought as irrational. But for some reason, my mind tends to latch on to unhealthy ideas without me wanting it to.

I've been told on many occasions that I'm really good at hiding what I'm feeling. On the surface, it looks like I'm confident, happy, and like I have everything together. On the inside, at that very same moment, I might be screaming at my racing thoughts to stop or trying to convince myself that I'm good enough. Most the time, people can't tell when I'm feeling depressed or when I'm obsessively anxious about something unless I tell them. I've had bosses and professors tell me that I appear confident and professional, only for them to be shocked when I admit that I was doubting if I could even perform the job that needed to be done.

And sometimes the anxiety does create an illusion to convince others that it's not even an illness. Perhaps partially in thanks to my anxiety, I am exceptionally organized and attentive to detail. I am very responsible and reliable as a result as well. I am commited and honor schedules well. I push myself to the point of utter exhaustion because I have a drive to constantly do my best. Probably the most positive aspect is that my anxious tendencies have encouraged me to be exceptionally empathetic and compassionate. All of those aspects can easily fool others into thinking it's not even an issue.

Sometimes the anxiety is so draining that I welcome the depression that often accompanies it afterward. Somehow doubting the meaning of my existence is preferable to the highly exhausting feeling of helplessness I feel when I get into a very anxious state of mind.

Even back in elementary school, I struggled with feelings of anxiety and depression. At the time, I didn't label it as such. This was mostly due to the fact that I didn't realize mental illness even existed. From the outside, I looked like a was a high-functioning kid. I earned excellent grades, (Nathan, if you're reading this, I actually just laughed out loud as I almost subconsciously typed, "really good grades."). I was involved in numerous after-school clubs. I had a close-knit group of friends. I was typically busy with social activities. I actually typically got along with my parents. I was respectful. I was cheerful. I looked like I was an over-achieving, polite, social young girl. From the outside, I looked "normal."

But I definitely didn't feel "normal." I couldn't understand how others were always so seemingly happy without a care in the world. They were kids, so why shouldn't they be? But I wasn't like that. Most days I realized I was either inexplicably nervous or inexplicably sad. I didn't understand why I'd often find myself feeling sick to my stomach because I was so worried about nothing rational. Why I had certain rituals that I couldn't break, because if I did, I feared something catastrophic would happen. Why I'd find myself crying alone uncontrollably in my room, too afraid to talk to someone because I didn't understand why I was feeling that way. (I'd later recognize that the reason for that was because I was experiencing  an inevitable crash of depression after an exhausting fit of anxiety.) I continued the cycle of feeling physically tense, sick, and fearful while I just couldn't sit still or focus. Then the feelings of emptiness would consume me. I wondered why I felt so hopeless, worthless, and drained.

I frequently felt alone, even when I knew I had people who cared about me. The few times I did try to open up to my friends, I recognized instantly that I was different. They dismissed my worries as just that--- worries. They didn't understand how it made me physically sick if I didn't check my homework folder 8 times on the way to school to insure that I had everything I needed that day.  They smiled when I shared I was terrified to order food at a restaurant, make a phone call, or raise my hand in class. They chalked up how often I randomly broke down crying to the fact that I was "nice and emotional." At any attempt I made to explain the struggle more in detail, they dismissed the severity of my feelings all the more. "We all have bad days." "We all worry sometimes." "It's ok to be sad!" Sure, they were right. But they didn't realize the emotional toll it was taking on me to continue alternating between periods of obsessive worrying to moments of complete despair.

Of course, they were kids. They didn't have any better of an understanding of what was going on than I did. My parents grew up in a generation where mental health issues were not understood or even widely accepted, so I recognize that they didn't realize what was going on either. Besides, I also typically hid how I was struggling. So to be clear, I'm not blaming anyone for my experience.

Although, now seems like the perfect time for me to express how important it is to teach kids about mental illness at a young age. My interning experiences have allowed me to witness some pretty amazing students teaching other students about the risk factors and warning signs of depression and other mental illnesses. In addition, it would be invaluable for parents to learn how to better recognize warning signs in their children. In countless psych/counseling classes I've taken over the years, my professors have emphasized the significance of how mental health issues can be tackled by early detection and prevention. On a positive note, it has been incredibly hopeful for me to see how more schools are becoming pro-active when it comes to supporting their students' mental health needs in addition to their academic ones.  Times are changing. It's heart-warming to see how others are becoming more empowering and loving when it comes  helping those struggling with mental illness.

As I grew up, the anxiety and depression followed me. It started to worsen in middle school, as I wasn't handling all the changes so well. Two of my best friends moved, and my other close friends weren't in the same classes as me. I felt even more alone. I began to obsess even more over homework, grades, clubs, etc. But once again, no one questions if the involved, caring, straight-A Honors student is struggling.  So I continued to hide what I was going through and I did my best to act like nothing was wrong.

In high school, I felt a brief improvement in my mental health, mostly thanks to the fact that some of my friends started to care about me on a deeper level. I had a handful of good friends who I felt like I could open up to. Even if they didn't fully grasp what I was going through, I still felt like I could sometimes be honest about how I was feeling. It was definitely an improvement. I was so busy with activities and clubs that I didn't feel like the darkness was consuming me as often.

Unfortunately, senior year was especially rough. I was obsessed with worrying about choosing the right college, my friends going off to different schools, finding out who I was, etc. A big time of change, growth, and decision-making led me to feel even more anxious.

Freshman year at UD  continued to prove challenging. It was one of the lowest points of my depression, because it seemed like everyone else was so happy. They were excited to be away from home, meeting new people, trying new things. But I was terrified. I felt more alone than I ever had. I missed my friends and felt like I had to start over with a group of people I didn't genuinely connect with. I felt abandoned and didn't know what I was doing. I felt like I was on display and that others can all see through me. They knew I didn't belong and that I wasn't like them. I did my best to stay honest with my feelings, to reach out to others, and to journal my feelings more often. I poured myself into my classes. During an academic check-in, my adviser (my current boss) noted that I earned my first and only B- in one class. She assumed it was just a challenging course. But at the time, I just honestly didn't care any more. Probably as a defense mechanism-  I started to harden emotionally. I wasn't feeling so nervous or down, but if I'm completely honest, I wasn't feeling much of anything at all. I was on the track of living life just going through the motions.

Fast-forward to 2010. It was such a big year for me, and I can't confidently tell you why everything happened the way it did. But slowly I had started feeling more confident in some of my classes and at work. Although I didn't have any close friends on campus, I had a couple good ones and really enjoyed working with the teachers and kids at the Bombeck Center. Overall, I found more joy and fulfillment than I had in years. Slowly I stopped pretending to be something that I wasn't. When UD friends asked me for the thousandth time if I wanted to come party with them, I admitted that it just wasn't for me. I stopped obsessing so much about what others thought of me and I stopped allowing myself to get drawn into the drama of some friends.  I started to focus more energy on friendships that were more two-sided and who built me up rather than encouraged me to doubt myself.

That summer was a big turning point for me. I don't want to get all cheesy and say that my family, my friends and specifically Brandon saved me, but it's true. I started feeling like others genuinely cared about me and like I had more to offer the world. My friends saw goodness and potential in me, and their encouragement really made a difference. I reached out more and wanted to be more connected. I felt empowered and confident for the first time in years.

Then... Grad school. Ugh, I'm not sure how this turned into an annoying autobiography, but I'll press on, I suppose. :-P Not because I want to rehash this, but because I think it's important for me to talk about it. In a nut shell, UC was two of the most challenging years of my life. Not academically by any means, but mentally and emotionally. Originally, I was filled with zeal and confidence for earning my Masters. I felt like I was on the perfect track for earning a degree that would allow me to make a difference in a unique way.

But my excitement quickly dwindled.  I was surrounded by negativity, competitive comparison, and frankly, incompetence. My professors were unqualified for our Masters program and they just simply didn't care either. The toxic environment was contagious. My fellow cohort members (who I shared every single class with) were often self-involved, shallow, and uncaring. I felt so out of my element and disconnected. I felt disheartened, under-stimulated intellectually, and more anxious than I could remember.

After two years of daily anxiety and depressed thoughts, I couldn't find a job in the counseling field. I felt like a failure, and I was devastated that I had wasted two years of my life for nothing,  Soon, I was offered an opportunity to sub as a counselor for a few months. I was shattered even more when I realized that it wasn't as fulfilling as I'd hoped. The bitter sweet reality was that I wasn't a professional counselor for very long!

I found myself lost in a sea of regrets, doubts, and resentment. I dreaded "catching up" with certain friends and family members, because they consistently asked: "Did you find a job in your field yet?" or even worse: "What are you doing with your life?" I began defining myself by my job (or lack thereof). All the blessings in my life seemed tainted because the depressed thoughts were drowning them out. I felt worthless and like I wasn't making a difference. I didn't see the point of doing something else if it wasn't my original plan. Even though I rationally recognized how blessed I was and that I could make a difference even if I wasn't in the counseling field, I felt lost.

And here we are. I'm not going to claim that I've "been found," but I have made progress. It hasn't been an easy journey, but through prayer, journaling, exercise, counseling and the support of people who care, I have made tremendous strides. I feel safer, because I am able to surround myself with positive people and activities. I no longer feel so out of control due to the stress of huge changes or school or work. I have a few loyal friends, a loving family, a great job, a terrific church, and a wonderful life partner who supports me in ways I didn't think someone could.

I still find myself becoming hyper-vigilant while worrying about what others think of me. I still worry that I don't make a difference or that I don't do enough to make the world a better place. I still get scared going somewhere new or talking to strangers sometimes.  I still find myself fixated with worry about irrational things for no apparent reason. I still find myself crying for no reason as well.

But on a good day, I see how I make a difference and how I am a good person. I am learning that I am not defined by a mental illness that often wreaks havoc on my mind, or my job, or how popular I am, or what I look like, or my limitations.

I am more in control now. When I experience an anxiety attack or a depressed episode, sometimes I'm even  able to convince myself that it will pass. I have better coping skills. I am less ashamed. I am braver and I push myself out of my comfort zone more.  I am encouraged. I am empowered. And I am often hopeful.

If you're reading this and ever need to talk, please know that I am here and that I care. I could never be where I am today without the support of people who love me. You are not alone.

Envy, Comparison and Social Media

In this day and age where we are constantly being bombarded with highlight reels from our friends' lives through social media, it's very easy to find ourselves feeling inadequate or lacking in our own lives. This is no new concept, so forgive me if this sounds repetitive. Still, I can't say it's not disturbing to me how many of my loved ones continue to admit to me how consuming this envy can become. Regardless of how we can rationalize that we are only seeing the most exciting and joyful posts that our friends are carefully choosing to share, it's challenging to remind ourselves that we are only viewing a very filtered reality. Once we have begun to compare our day to day lives to others' impressive accomplishments, travels, or hobbies, it is tough to fight our way out of that cycle.

Of course, I'm not necessarily advocating for everyone to constantly pour out their hearts or share every knitty gritty detail about their lives on social media. That can be incredibly draining and impersonal. Not to mention it can create a diffusion of responsibility where everyone assumes that someone else will step up to help a friend in need... When in reality, that friend in need receives little attention when others are all assuming that someone else will be there for said friend. In my experience, when I reach out to someone directly, I am always glad that I chose to do that rather than create a public post in hopes someone will reach out to me.

I have been accused of being too positive on Facebook. Although I don't want to create an illusion of being happier than I am, I also recognize that I struggle with becoming consumed by negative feelings or life events. As Facebook has became more of an online journal of positive memories I can share with my loved ones, I don't want to taint it with negative thoughts or worries. Because of this, I don't want to post something that I don't want to be reminded about every year when Facebook  shares "memories" daily with me. However, when there is a negative article concerning something important I'd like to share with others, that is certainly worth sharing, and I no longer find myself concerned with remembering that post every year.

Basically, I hope that my close loved ones know what's going on in my life between the positive things I choose to post. I am not attempting to create an illusion of being happier than I am. I realize that Facebook isn't an accurate depiction of my life either. In a more personal setting, I am more than happy to share negative aspects of my life or discuss the world in general if you want to.

On a related note, it seems like Facebook is typically a place where I can read about important news and happenings in the world, yet seconds later I can easily also quickly divert my attention to something more stomach-able and entertaining.

I don't think we often consider the ramifications of quickly scrolling through thousands of posts on a daily basis, moving quickly from one post to another when it no longer keeps our attention. There's a lack of commitment or intrigue when there are countless other things that will also grab your attention. I've read a bit of psych research about how social media may actually have the power to exacerbate mental health struggles like ADHD, but maybe I'll discuss that more in the future. I meant for this post to focus on the destructive envy and comparison that social media often fuels. Other flaws and negative impacts of social media can have their own blog entry sometime. :-P

Even with this knowledge and reflection of the negative impact of social media, I admit I've still noticed myself unintentionally becoming envious of others' happiness-- of their confidence, their families, their ability to travel, their fun jobs, their unique talents, etc. I've found myself feeling like my life didn't measure up to theirs in more ways than one. But when I've talked with those same friends who I've admitted I'm envious of, they have often admitted to me that they are envious of others or even of me.

Bottom line: envy is not rational. 

So many of us struggle with the consuming thought that we're not enough. We want to find meaning and happiness. We want others to be proud of us. We want to be proud of ourselves. These thoughts are all natural and can be admirable when they encourage us to strive to be better. But the problem occurs when try as we may, even when we accomplish something or overcome a struggle, we can't seem to stay proud for long. We're constantly thinking of ways our lives aren't perfect and ways we could be happier. This is partially because we're constantly comparing ourselves to the others surrounding us.

As cheesy as it sounds, we are all unique. We have different hearts, morals, interests, jobs, socioeconomic statuses- different life circumstances in general. Regardless of how much we may share with someone, we are all at different places in our hearts and minds. This isn't to say that it isn't powerful when we can relate to others about similar life goals or life views. But it seems illogical to assume that everyone is in such a similar place in their lives that we should all share the same accomplishments or even the same exact goals and life purpose.

So our values, social circle, resources, etc.- our basic life circumstances- all impact our choices that lead us to where we are right now. We are all on different paths. How does it even truly make sense to compare our journey to someone else's?

It's taken me a lot of time and reflection, but I am slowly starting to improve on recognizing when I am irrationally comparing myself to others and becoming envious of the positive aspects of their lives. One key is gratitude. I keep a daily gratitude journal in which each night I write down three things I'm thankful for that day. The next morning, I do my best to remember to read what I wrote the night before.

As I've done my best to focus on what I am blessed with, it's becoming easier to not get distracted by what I'm lacking. When that's not enough... when it's still on my heart that I'm missing out on something, I realize that whatever that something is, it's something that I need to start working for.

Truth be told, I'm probably never going to be an impressive world traveler, comedian, artist, writer, DJ, cake designer, musician, socialite, genius or inspiration of faith. But I'm ok with that. Because quite honestly, I don't want to be those things. Even when we don't share their exact talents, when we surround ourselves with people who inspire us to keep trying and to pursue our passions, life is so much richer.  I can share in my friends' blessings and that zeal they have for life through their unique interests and personalities. Because I can still admire others in a healthy way while still being grateful for what I have and who I am. And with some time, maybe while even admiring myself? :)

Honesty

Lately I've been thinking a lot about honesty and security with relationships. Specifically, what exactly creates a feeling of comfort around others?

For me, I always feel uneasy when I'm trying to be vulnerable with someone I want to impress or someone I'm not very close with. Maybe as a side effect of my anxiety, I tend to doubt myself and to withhold information that might make me stand out from the "norm." But sometimes I do find the courage to share something that makes me unique.  For instance, when my boss and I were working on a project together, she asked me who my favorite musician was. I'm not ashamed to consider myself a big fan of the Backstreet Boys, even if their peak of popularity was close to 20 years ago and their fan base consisted of mostly intensely obsessed teenage girls. ;) But I realize a lot of people would think that's weird. Without thinking, I joked with my boss that she probably wouldn't share my musical tastes, as I admitted my love for a 90s Boy Band. My boss just laughed and suggested another music choice. Not like I expected her to like BSB anyway, though, so I wasn't shocked.  ;)

No harm done, right? No use in worrying about sharing something so trivial that doesn't truly reflect who I am. But to me, my favorite music group can actually be a big part of who I am. Maybe for someone like me who feels so passionately about my interests, it can feel like someone is rejecting me on a deeper level when they judge those interests. It's an irrational thought, I know. But in this world where we seem so obsessed with shared experiences like enjoying the same shows, movies, music, etc. it's easy to feel disconnected when others can't relate to those interests.

The other night we were hosting a game night with some of our close friends. It was surprising to me to note that I was feeling incredibly calm and confident just being myself. After a long day of helping my boss one-on-one and making lots of small talk, I was exhausted from filtering my thoughts and behavior. As I was acting like a complete dork with my friends, the contrast was stark (Just for you, Bran.;-)). When I am with someone of "authority," (in this case, the person who authorizes my pay check) I tend to fear looking stupid or odd. I want to be trusted and respected and to make a good impression. We all do, right?

The fear of rejection is not uncommon. But at what point does my fear become irrational and hindering to connecting with someone? Anxious thoughts can often cloud my judgement and lead me to accept ideas that are not true. Rationally, I know that someone will not suddenly dislike me because I may be different. That doesn't change the fact that I tend to error on the side of being overly cautious with being vulnerable.

Back to that game night. It's obvious that we feel more secure when we're with others who love and respect us. When we're around those we're closest to, we're not so consumed about their perceptions of us, because we tend to assume that they are least sort of like us already. We obviously feel a level of comfort around them because we realize that we are already accepted by them. There's a bond between us, so we no longer have anything to prove.

I wish I felt that same level of comfort and confidence around strangers or around people who don't know me as well.

A thought that I've also been dwelling on--- how many of us feel this way? When you think about it, no one is "normal." We all have our quirks and oddities and flaws. It's what makes us lovable and unique. I wouldn't change any of the interesting qualities that make my husband my husband or make my friends who they are. I respect them entirely- weirdness and all- so why can't I do the same for myself?

The truth is, when you're vulnerable with someone, that's when you can genuinely connect with them. When you're able to share your true self and to no longer feel consumed by fear of looking weird, that's when you're able to grow closest to someone.

Here's to focusing more on not caring what others think and on being more comfortable with who I am. Weirdness and all. ;)

Feel free to share any advice or thoughts!